How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

[Khor]

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family).

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it.

I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements.

We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund.

Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated.

Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

Where did you look?

My version of feminism includes a “why not the men?” element.

e.g. Why aren’t men going part time/staying at home with children at the same rate as women? Why don’t they change their names when they marry? Why aren’t they the main contact for nursery/school?

It’s not just about levelling the playing field, the playing field needs re-turfing.

Night Nanny? I think you should perhaps not comment on things you obviously know nothing about - in this case how child care works where I think they are.

And I’m pretty sure the Op and her husband could organise their lives so that the child wasn’t left in the care of a nanny for days and nights at a time. You are aware how it is possible for Pilots to organise there flying hours so they pretty much know where they’ll be and when. No? I thought not.

I think you should stick to the RF boards - you know way more about them than you do about this.

Agree but how does disparaging and undervaluing the job of stay-at-home-parent - whichever sex does it - encourage more men to take up the role?

Very well. But they cant have it both ways.

She is struggling with her body image and role in life to the extent she is pissing money up the wall on microneedling and botox at 33.

She wants her pre children lifestyle to continue without two salaries to do it.

Please don’t tell me where I can post! It’s against talk guidelines for a start. And somewhat hypocritical seeing as you are on the Royal boards far more than me. I am there bc I am a Republican not to comment about Meghan’s children!

And you have assumed that op is located in the Middle East (which by the way is a very offensive and outdated term for many) you don’t know for sure.

Finally, you say “And I’m pretty sure the Op and her husband could organise their lives so that the child wasn’t left in the care of a nanny for days and nights at a time” when the point we were arguing was whether her husband alone could handle his job without extensive childcare support from his wife or nanny,

How is the Middle East an offensive term?

Interesting , would you like your vice president home as he is on holiday in the cotswolds UK and a pain in the neck ,

I actually think it doesn't matter what your job or not is... it's about the family budget. You need to sit down and work out what the priorities are - as a family. All the income, all the bills, everything that's left.

My husband and I both work full time - he makes a bit more money than I do, but nothing spectacular. We have a spreadsheet showing everything that we can predict, how much we want for savings, how much we need for food/etc etc. And then there's the bottom figure of what is left. And those are the discussions we have - do we want to go abroad this year? Do we need new windows? Whatever. Anything under like £20 or so we just do and we are fortunate enough to be able to afford to meet a friend for a drink or get a new pair of shoes without checking the account, but anything more involved than that is a joint conversation because it's all the same money.

So whether or not £400/month for yourself is reasonable isn't something anyone can answer. It depends on what else will have to be sacrificed if you actually spend £500/month or £1000/month or more. What isn't happening so that can happen?

For whatever it's worth I can't imagine spending that much money on myself each month but I do spend that or more on myself and the children - my daughter and I go to a lot of theatre shows together and that gets expensive quickly! But it's a priority for us and something we discussed ahead of time. And each month we look at what happened the month before, see if there are any issues or if we need to adjust anything, and then go on to the next.

I was just asking.

Please don’t tell me where I can post! It’s against talk guidelines for a start

Then report my comment and perhaps think about the tone of your posts going forward when replying to someone.

And somewhat hypocritical seeing as you are on the Royal boards far more than me. I am there bc I am a Republican not to comment about Meghan’s children!

Yes. I post on the RF boards because I’m a constitutional Royalist and I’m usually one of the first to stop and report any unsavoury and unnecessary discussion about the children, Meghans pregnancies, and her life pre Harry when people insist on mentioning yacht girls. So I’m afraid you’re barking up the wrong tree when it comes to your cheap shot and suggesting what you did.

And you have assumed that op is located in the Middle East (which by the way is a very offensive and outdated term for many) you don’t know for sure

Having lived in the Middle East for 47 years I’ll call it what I like and not just because it hasn’t offended anyone yet. And yes, I think that the Op also lives in the region judging by her user name - not that it matters if she doesn’t as it won’t change my opinion on her spending money and the treatments she’d like to have.

Finally, you say “And I’m pretty sure the Op and her husband could organise their lives so that the child wasn’t left in the care of a nanny for days and nights at a time” when the point we were arguing was whether her husband alone could handle his job without extensive childcare support from his wife or nanny

I did address it from the perspective of him being alone - he wouldn’t be up a gum tree. He’d employ someone to help with the children and it wouldn’t cost him the arm and a leg people were hoping it would. And if him and the Op ever ended up divorced he wouldn’t be up a gum tree even then - they’d co-operate with each other to ensure the best possible care was taken of their child when work had to come first for one or both of them.

All this nonsense about let him try and manage on his own with the job he has, when all the world over men and women do the same job as him (plus a whole load more) and manage perfectly well on their own in the process.

Oh dear.

Weepixie arguing on here is very boring for others but if you go back to my original post to you, it wasn’t remotely rude. It was simply questioning your definition of being up a gum tree.

You have been speculating on the Royal boards as to whether one of Meghan’s children has autism fhs which is highly inappropriate. And you brought up the Royal boards not me!

If you have lived in the Middle East for 47 years then you will know it is so-called because it refers to an area Middle East of London which is a now outdated historical definition used by British and American strategists in the early twentieth century, to designate the area surrounding the Persian Gulf. For obvious reasons it’s disrespectful to define those countries now only in relation to Europe!

Anyway, I was just posting in support of the op and as this argument will not be remotely helpful to her, I will leave it there.

Why does anybody need to value the job of a SAHM except folk in her own household.

I don’t think we know his salary do we? So they may well be able to afford all this. And Botox is around £300 a pop but most people only have it every 3/4 months or less…

So as long as they get the same spending money all is good.

I do agree that 33 is too young for Botox and I doubt she needs micro needling though.

I don’t think the answer is that she goes back to work if that is not what she wants right now with a DH who is away a lot and a non child friendly career. They just need to communicate about their finances and make sure they have the same spending money.

Any idea how much a live in housekeeper/nanny would require in pay? And, as a pilot, he’d definitely need extensive childcare.

In a family unit, there was a no “his money/my money”, there is only our money.

Personally, if you’re allocating personal spends then you should both have equal amounts. So, maybe ask him how much personal spends he has and move it from there? Just because the salary is in his name doesn’t actually mean he gets sole say in how it’s used.

We only had a joint account for years but we set up “pocket money” accounts a few years ago and both had equal amounts of pocket money. It didn’t work very well for us and it’s all joint again.

You have been speculating on the Royal boards as to whether one of Meghan’s children has autism fhs which is highly inappropriate

Im pretty sure I didn’t mention autism, in fact I’m pretty sure I went out of my way not to, but I am happy to be corrected if you can find the post where I said ‘Archie is autistic’.

And finally, context is everything so apart from that particular thread where I did join in a discussion in defence of Harry and Meghan as parents because of the hammering they were getting, that I thought just wasn’t on, you won’t find anymore than a handful of other posts from me where I mention the children. I just don’t go there unless it’s to offer an alternative way of looking at a things or to remind people it’s not on to discuss the children/or to report something said.

Once again a cheap shot that you’ve taken at me has fallen short of the mark.

Again, a pointless response because he wouldn’t need a housekeeper or nanny at all. He’s just pay child maintenance & opt to do no overnights so he’d still be in exactly the same boat and have more money just paying CMS than funding a whole household and family.

In this instance he’s still taking advantage of the OPs free labour. But actually it’s more comparable to say that she just goes, leaves him and the child and goes off to enjoy a life of freedom. Then he’s got a lot of organising to do and a lot of money to shell out.

OP says that they get the same amount of spending money.

She also says "we have savings (nothing spectacular). But we also put away a bit each month."

That doesn't sound like a family who have masses of spare money and it's likely that if OP's beauty treatments (and equivalent money for DH) start coming out of the family pot, then there may be no savings at all. That might be fine for some families. But it doesn't suggest that they have so much money that it could be spent without any impact at all.

True. I think they need to build up their savings rather than allocate more on beauty treatments. As long as the share is equal and OP has access to the same money.

OP - I’d just prioritise what is the most important. I don’t get my nails done very often for example. But if the beauty treatments make you feel good, prioritise them over nails/coffee.

I made quite a bit selling clothes on Vinted? Then treated myself to Botox and some new clothes. Then it didn’t feel like I was spending family money on lots of unnecessary things for myself.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture a bit - building up savings is important and £400 to spend as you wish each month is reasonable. If your DH suddenly starts spending more on himself then there’s a conversation to be had

Pregnancy is incredible hard on a womans body. Worse for some than other. But I think for me these extra treatments are ok coming out of family spends, if they're affordable, if they are to 'put right' an issue caused by pregnancy/breastfeeding. If they are normal aging or just wants then it needs to come out of your £400.

You said you were a shut in for 6 months, what happened to your £400 from those months?
Did your maternity clothes come from joint spends? What about your gym membership when you were able to leave the house again and starting to lose weight? All the clothes inbetween which were bigger than you would have needed without the pregnancy. How about the bras? Shoes - if your feet grew?

In my mind you need to seperate out costs which are pregnancy/breastfeeding related out from your personal spends. These shouldn't be covered by you - they are a joint cost. Men never go through these changes, they don't have these extra costs.

You said you've had microneedling and red light therapy. Did you develop redness issues on your face, during pregnancy and post preg weight gain? If yes then treating that comes from family budget. Your botox I think you pay for

I guess it all depends on how much spare money there's leftover after all the bills are paid. I was a SAHM for 8 years. Dh paid all the bills/food from a joint account that I have access to, put savings in a joint savings account that I have access to, and then used to put £1k a month in my own account for me. Sometimes I saved it. Sometimes I spent it. Dh didn't worry what I was spending it on.

However, as your dh sounds a bit tight, I suggest you dont have a second baby, got back to work and spend your money without having to get his permission.

You should need Botox, 2/3 times a year, hair every 2-3 months, micro needling I have never needed. But it's far cheaper where I am. Gym, absolutely essential for both mental and physical health. Assume you utilise yours? Do you go together? I add up all my treatments for the year and set aside £100 a month. I've always got my self care pot being topped up. I think it's totally okay to get vouchers for sessions etc. but I am hard to buy gifts for. I can't see anywhere where you've said what you actually spend your £400 on. Child related clubs etc should come from joint account. Are you making sure you pension is being topped up? I was never really able to stay at home after standard maternity leave. Mentally I couldn't have coped and financially I wanted my independence but I did have live in nanny's when they were young. Is your self esteem low right now? Having a baby is a huge shift in hormones and having had a similar job to you, I'd probably feel like I'd maybe lost a bit of myself not getting dressed up for work etc. if your husband has the same amount that's reasonable. It's tough when they are younger because they are expensive in different ways to teenagers!

I agree with your POV, OP.
Your self-confidence has taken a hit.
You have brought a baby into the world, and it has affected you mentally and physically.

You are affluent as a family. So, if these treatments help you feel better, and you can afford them from your husband's income, you should have them.
Most people could not afford it and a vocal minority on MN object to SAHMs , so you won't get a good response.
I would not want those treatments, but if they help you, I think your partner is BU in objecting.
Secondly, you should be able to make that call yourself ie tell him that it's important to you and you would like to go ahead.
Unfortunately, this is possibly a foretaste of how things will play out while you are not earning your own income.
As a SAHM, you are benefiting your husband in all sorts of ways, making his life more comfortable, convenient and fun. I think you are entitled to a bit of indulgence too, if you can afford it as a couple.

The issue is, they can’t afford it as a family. They have minimal savings and not a lot left each month. So she and her husband need to sit down, look at their budget and figure out what to prioritise. It’s not clear at all to me what she thinks should change to accommodate this but I think it’s to take away her husband’s £400/month.