How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

[Khor]

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family).

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it.

I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements.

We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund.

Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated.

Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

How much I get is irrelevant (but obviously I still get it if I’m sick/we’re on holiday, and obviously I make pension provision for myself)

The point is that women being snippy because they work when stay at home parents ‘don’t’ and then paying someone else to do the work of looking after their children is hypocritical. Everyone makes the choices which are best for their family, within the boundaries they have. Most people are working hard for their family’s well-being - whatever form that takes

You and DH should have the same for spends on self. We use YNAB so are shit hot on budgeting and you can "build" savings in a category so he can blow it once every three months or whatever it is.

What you spend your money on is your business, but this is about family budgeting. All money is shared money, and you need to allocate it together: put money in both pensions, put money towards mortgage, cars, food ... and then agree how you do discretionary spending. We have five of us and we all five have "miscellaneous spending" against our name in the budget.

What you spend it on is entirely up to you. When I was a SAHM I did not spend anything like what you are considering on myself but we were prioritising mortgage at the time. However, the amount you spend should be equal and agreed within the family budget.

ETA: I now work and our combined incomes still operate as above, although "buying in" help to cover issues caused by our lack of time comes out of shared pot rather than individual pot.

Yes. My grandma worked full time until she was in her 60s.

My mum went back to work full time 6 months after I was born and again after my sister was born. My dad did the majority of childcare once we were in school (he was already where he wanted to be) while mum climbed the ladder. Mum is still working (through choice) at 70.

And I think its mean and shitty of him to throw back anything in your face. Would he prefer it if you went back to work so you have more money?

Never paid anyone to look after DD.

Most SAHMs are not “obviously” making pension provision - 10 mins on some of the boards on this site would show you that.

Presumably it just bounces off her face though. ;)

But OP is saying that all the beauty treatments she wants shouldn't be paid from the £400, and that they should be paid for as a "household expense"...

I would hate to have had an amount assigned to me every month! We are grown women, not children who are given pocket money. I would be very offended!

I am investment banker, but took over five years off when my sons were young and never ever did my husband say, ‘here this is your allowance for the month’, as that is utterly ridiculous!

You can do microneedling at home if you must. Far cheaper.

I can’t believe at 33 you need it though.

I am a similar age to you - working, but DH and I have a personal budget each. Mine is higher than his by mutual agreement, as I have expenses such as nails etc. that he doesn't. I am also planning on increasing the budget in the future for regular expense increases e.g. when my greys get too much for spot treatment and I need to start getting salon dyes.

So yes, I think that everything you mention should be personal budget - but I definitely wouldn't want to be tied to a figure agreed in my 20s. Costs will increase as you get older.

Finally, SAHP should always have an equal say in finances - you both agreed your family set-up.

How much does DH spend on himself?

While Botox is not essential, being pregnant and giving birth is not nothing. He has not had to go through it, he has not had to lose weight as a result of it, he has not had the huge hormonal shift or been housebound for 6 months because of it, and yet he has these wonderful children all the same because you went through that, for the family. As a result I think he needs to show more appreciation for the very large sacrifice you made by going through pregnancy and child birth in the first place.

This is a huge, huge sacrifice and if you can afford Botox and want it to make up in some part for how being pregnant and giving birth has left you feeling, it’s the least he can do to not get in your way.

Did you think your body would snap back to perfection post-baby? ... Surely as a grown up and an educated professional you must have anticipated this

I don't think first-time mothers in general have a clue as to how much their body will be negatively and permanently affected. It is not something that is talked about enough.

Might have been better to post this in style and beauty. Also op, if its a long term thing, have a look at home led masks and home microneedling pens and serum

I think it should come from your own fund. Can you afford up the funds you each get? I assume he gets £400 a mth too?

most sahm aren't even spending £400 a month on beauty treatments etc though. It's a lot.

I’m the infrastructure that supports my family’s livelihood. Dh would not be able to work, run a home and have a child without me

And yet millions of families have two working parents, including shift workers and pilots

It’s £400 per month just for her. He has allocated himself the same. It’s their agreed amount of personal money, everything else is family money. Many many couples do this.

It's quite normal for families to budget. And most families will allocate a certain amount to their own personal spending, which is not related to bills, or essential spending like food, or any child related spending.

If you have so much family money that you don't need to budget, or you are a frugal spender who spends well within limits, then you obviously don't need to do this. But most people can't just go and spend whatever they want without discussion with their partner.

As a compromise dh offered it could be a Christmas gift (his idea, not mine). I just don’t see the point in going through the charade of being “gifted” the money when I’m equally entitled to our shared funds and the money is sitting there now.

DH and I both have the same personal spends each month after bills, various savings etc, this month was £850 each, which is a lot, it can be more but we put extra into a holiday fund this month, however we both work full time. If I want things like beauty products they come out of my money not family money. In the same way I don't expect to see comic books and dungeons and dragons paraphernalia coming out of the joint account either. How much disposable personal income does your husband have each month? If it's the same yabu

It's not something to be offended by if it applies to both parties and they agree to it though? It's just a way to budget. It's nice to have your own money, so you can buy presents etc without them knowing, and make your own private decisions on things.

The issue the OP has here is wanting expensive treatment (£200) that would use up half of her personal spends, so she'd rather it come out of the family account. I think that is a family decision if it's coming out of that bucket. Doesn't mean I think it should be a no - certainly my husband has said 'oh do buy that, take it out of family' to me before (I'm not a SAHM but same principles apply).

You mean old fashioned & sexist like a woman running the home and a man earning the money?😂

Unless you’re divorcing you’re not entitled to any of his wages OP.

Do you genuinely believe what you just wrote?

Whatever our financial and work situation, DH and I have always, always had equal money to spend on ourselves - basically half each of what's left after everything else has been paid for or allocated. Sounds like that's what you're doing?

Does your DH contribute to your pension while you're not working? Where else is his pay going currently if he has equal spending money to you, i.e. if your 'allowance' was to increase, what pot is that going to come out of? Savings? Holidays? DC savings/activities/clothes? Christmas & birthdays?

If you want more money to spend on yourself then where else in your family finances would be impacted?

Honestly just don’t engage with anyone who isn’t acting in good faith. It’s the usual ‘I do everything you do and work full time brigade!’ who are forgetting that they don’t do 8 hours of childcare during the working day.

there is economic value in providing full time childcare, which is why we have nursery bills.

kids need to be looked after. If you aren’t doing it yourself, it needs to be outsourced to nursery or a nanny at cost, unless family are providing free childcare

i am on mat leave but when i am working i unfortunately can’t leave my child in the garden with a fruit shoot and a potty.