How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

[Khor]

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family).

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it.

I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements.

We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund.

Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated.

Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

I have £1000 plus there’s a savings account for extras. That is of no use to you though because finances are variable.
It’s important you are both on the same page when there’s a SAHP. Since we’ve lived together all money has been our money regardless of my employment situation.

I haven't read all the posts.
If they can't afford it, then I don't understand the point of the AIBU?
Luxuries are great if you can afford them.

Few things to break down.

• Yes, your contribution is valid to the home. Especially when taking into account the anti social hours involved in your husbands work.
• £400 is a lot of money to a lot of people to spend on yourself every month so people are struggling with being able to justify additional money for what people consider frivolous
• your mental health is important
• some of the treatments you've designated as necessary for your mental health seem extravagant to people
• you do have the right to household money but it is also understandable that your husband may see some of these regular spends as unnecessary

You have the right to say how you think money should be spent and I've been there after a baby, loads of weight gained, not taking care of myself but I think to a lot of people it doesn't seem like a viable long term solution what your proposing spending so much money on.

My experience as someone who hasn't had access to the sort of money your proposing is that I got back to feeling great by having fitness hobbies I enjoyed and some skin care/health products that were good quality and not over the top expensive.

It feels like these expensive treatments are more of a bandaid for whats really going on. It's tough the transition we go through after having a baby but I feel like people trick themselves and fall into consumerist traps where they think all these things will help but you need to look after yourself properly and these treatments are more of a quick, expensive plaster as opposed to properly solving the root of the problem.

I don't know if any of that made sense.

I cannot believe married couples do not work this way. I’d feel pretty infantilised at best for being shut out of knowing the ins and outs of our financial situation, especially as I’m a SAHM.

How do married couples make decisions like new windows/holidays/how many meals out each month if they don’t know how much money they’ve got as a family?

Also one of the highest reasons for suicide in men is getting into financial difficulty. I want to know exactly how much money we’ve got, I’ve got a feeling there’s a few people around us who are in debt and their partners don’t know about it. My best friend has just got married and was shocked to hear I know exactly how much my DH earns.

Marriage is built on trust and being open. Blows my mind how marriages can be happy and solid in these situations.

Before we got married he had to go to marriage lessons apart of our church. These uncomfortable exercises/questions had to be discussed for us to ‘pass’. Maybe they should become a mainstream thing?

Yeah read her posts. They have enough to save a bit and pay their bills and each get £400 a month to spend how they wish. She wants more but has no idea how they’d actually afford it.

Yeah I’m super confused too. My husband and I have one bank account, it all goes in there and all comes out of there. We know each other’s salaries and the vague details of all our expenses so we know what’s left. We have a plan for how to spend our fun money (family holidays, theatre, pub trips whatever) and a plan for our savings account (new windows at the moment, then a newer car) and if things change we adjust.

my husband does the actual banking and I do 99% of the actual shopping as he has no patience for school shoes and ballet uniforms and he likes his spreadsheets, but there aren’t any secrets.

I know plenty prefer separate accounts and such which is fine but I can’t wrap my head around the entire family situation being mysterious - that must be both stressful for the one and quite silly for the other. What if something happens to the only person who knows anything?

I think you have massive delusions of grandeur OP. Go back to work. Problem solved. Your DH is the one funding it all and he is right.

I know exactly how much my husband earns each week because I do his his and all the other engineers timesheets every week. He knows how much I earn because I have told him. Yet, we do not have joint banks accounts savings etc. I pay the bills and whatever’s left is mine, he pays for holidays and car things and anything left is his. We have paid our mortgage off so that’s no longer an issue. I don’t ask my husband for his money for my face the same way he wouldn’t ask for my money for his season ticket. It’s worked for 25 years now so no need for anything ‘joint’.