How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

[Khor]

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family).

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it.

I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements.

We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund.

Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated.

Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

I think this is tricky. £400 is about what I have for personal spends and I work. Although it covers my phone bill, personal savings, travel etc. I can’t afford Botox etc although I don’t particularly want it at the moment. Not sure how we would cover it. I think it would feel very awkward to use “family money” on it. I can see why DH feels it should come from personal spends.

Practically, can you not save up a bit of
your personal spends and have a treatment every 6 months or so? Prioritise that over something else?

Save it for the “mummy makeover” you’ll no doubt want after baby 2.

You may be equally entitled to the shared funds, but he is also equally entitled to the shared funds - in other words, if either of you says 'no', the money stays put.

You have the agreed £400 each. You could argue that due to inflation you should both now get £500 or £600, and if he doesn't want to spend that on himself he can put it in personal savings in his own name.
But you can't argue that joint family funds should be spent on your personal beauty treatments; that would be a mis-use of family money.

Also, his Christmas gift to you should come out of his £400 and vice versa - presents to each other don't come out of family money, only presents for the children.

I suggest you need to learn to accept the way you look. You cannot stay young and beautiful forever. Your skin will age and get wrinkles and lines. This is life. You have to accept this or you will make yourself miserable.

What you can do are the obvious and low-cost or free things: exercise, sleep, water, healthy food, stay out of the sun, always use sun-screen, use a (cheap) moisturiser every time you wash your face, etc etc.

We both have exactly the same amount of personal spends. £250 in our case. It covers personal expenses but not healthcare. So not glasses, dentistry, gyms. Not petrol either.

What's the money you want to spend doing at the moment? Is it allocated to something or just sat in the bank?

If spending it would mean a lower holiday budget or your DH was planning to overpay the mortgage with it then it's unreasonable to expect it to be used for beauty treatments instead. If its frittered away on takeaways each month then you have more of an argument that self care is more important.

I do sympathise as I have a PT which I won't give up because of the health benefits she brings, but I pay for it out of my own fund rather than the household pot and forgo other things to pay for it, sometimes you can't have everything and have to make choices.

I did all of the childcare during the day and worked at night (3 night shifts a week) when DH was at home.

It’s not really so much that that is the issue, yes kids do have to be looked after. It’s the “my husband could not work without me”- yes, he could.

Men can & do walk away from kids, all he’d have to pay is child maintenance and after that OP is on her own, paying nursery bills etc while juggling work. Dad will still he off to work as normal and getting paid as normal, he’d end up with more money left over only paying CMS rather than funding an entire household.

Women fall into this trap of thinking that what they do keeps a man’s career running and actually as 1000’s of threads on here show, those men are perfectly fine and unaffected when they split. Being a SAHM is a totally valid choice, but it’s not essential and it’s naive to believe otherwise really.

He would. He’d outsource it

I think your lack of self esteem comes from relying on another adult to support you financially. Given pocket money (even a fairly substantial amount) like a child from a parent. Threads every day about SAhm's left high and dry when their source of cash dries up. I replied to one earlier this morning.

that sounds really hard, and dangerous to be running on fumes. I’m sorry you had no sleep 3 nights a week and had to provide childcare- which is a full time job that people pay handsomely for.

i still don’t think OP should be rushing to get a night job at an Amazon warehouse to make people on mumsnet feel like her life is hard enough.

I think that personal care costs should come from your allocated £400 per month .
You both have the same amount, so he's not taking the p*.
The costs you've mentioned surely aren't paid out every month , so you'll have some left over from previous months to put towards Botox etc when it is due every 3-6 months or so.
I wouldn't expect to take more money from the family 'pot' to pay for things that are purely for my own benefit . The £400 you have now is a reasonable amount.

So he’d pay for it?

What childcare is available to a person who leaves the house at 3 am one day and doesn’t return for days at a time? A full time nanny?

I think £400 is a really decent amount per month. If you like to spend just on beauty treatments then I think it’s ample, although I know when you start throwing clothes / new shoes into the mix it could get tight (but I’m a shopaholic) and I definitely used to spend too much on clothes.

As for some people giving negative connotations to the fact your husband gives that to you as a budget, I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with it.

I’ve always been notoriously bad at saving , budgeting, spending and so I know that when I’m a SAHM my husband will likely give me X amount so we don’t bring ourselves into hardship. I definitely don’t think it’s about exerting control etc.

Statistically, I think men may be a tad better at saving / budgeting regularly than women, but of course that can be a generalisation but I know my man is very frugal and is much less likely going to spend £200 on a high heel than I am! Most men I know actually go and willingly spend money themselves on clothes, and it’s the female that pics out nice shirts etc (even if he is the one paying, the woman encourages it!)

Sorry, most men I know don’t go willingly

It was fine. I slept when she slept and didn’t do consecutive nights. I did Friday and Saturday nights so I could catch up on sleep while she was with DH. I didn’t do all of the domestic stuff - that was shared.

When I was studying years later I’d stay up all night twice a week to study and then catch up while DD was at school.

No- the child’s mum.

As I said, dad could walk away tomorrow and never do any childcare, no court could or would ever force a dad to actually look after their child. So he’d still be working as normal, earning as normal, paying you child maintenance but nothing more, and his life and career wouldn’t actually change.

Yes. Lots of families with a pilot and a lawyer would have a nanny.

I work and I don’t even spend 400 a month on myself

If you are both happy with children can't you sit down and talk about it in a fair and good way , if l was your hubby it might be a good idea what one spends on differant things untill you are both at work again , is it not better to talk then you know both what is going on , all the best and stay happy and talk

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

A bit off topic but are you are a solicitor? I think you might be ambitious about returning to a solicitor job with ease after several years out. Are you planning to return to law?

Im not sure you've said how old your child is but you're planning at least another 5 years out. Pregnancy plus not returning to work until second child is school age.

You'll be late 30s by then and out of the game for several years. You might be overestimating how easy it will be to go back to law given how much and how quickly things change. Why would they hire someone rusty when the profession is oversubscribed to saturation point.

I would go back now if you want back into the legal profession.

I don that have botox or anything and im a few years older. None of those treatments are necessary at your age.

Hi OP , my household budget would be in the lower bracket in comparison to yours I’d imagine but our money is pooled ,it’s family money those that are saying that your husband is providing a roof over your head and paying the bills which makes it his money ….I'm seething on your behalf. I can’t believe how your contribution to the family is being diminished ….what ever happened to women supporting women ? Your large financial contribution to the mortgage has reduced outgoings , no crèche fees etc . I’m having cosmetic work done on my teeth I’ve always wanted it done my husband is happy for it to come out of the family pot because it’s our money . Hold your position on this with your husband because you are not wrong . ❤️

Hi OP. Don't engage with people who can't grasp the concept of a SAHM. It's not your job to explain anything.

On the money front, I was a SAHM but we never did a 'personal allowance' thing. I just spent whatever I needed. His money is my money, no need to transfer anything. Obviously, I'd give him a heads up if I was planning to spend, say, £1000 (as he would me), but that's it.

It is not in your DH's gift to give you money because it's yours anyway! Allowances are patronising. OK, you agreed it once, but so what, now you don't. He should be happy you aren't depressed and taking care of yourself. So just tell him what you're doing (don't ask, tell him) because it makes no difference whether the money technically is your 'allowance' or whatever because it's all one and the same. That is what being married means! If he objects, tell him he can be the SAHD and you'll 'give' him £400.

If you split up, you’d arrange custody around his shifts and use paid childcare to cover any gaps while you work. If he’s long haul, he could change to short haul, and vice versa. Shift workers make it work.

similarly if you both work, you both arrange childcare around both of your jobs. How do I know? I am a lawyer and my husband is a pilot and we make childcare for our three under 6 work, with no support outside the immediate family.

What's the childcare plan for those sort of hours when you go back to work?