How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

[Khor]

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family).

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it.

I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements.

We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund.

Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated.

Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

I have worked before my kids, then freelanced when my second was born and started preschool, then didnt work again when we relocated to another country for 6 yrs, i know have my own company back in my industry.

i would say that a SHparent does ABSOLUTELY contribute to the finances of the home if they can afford to have one parent not working. To say otherwise is completely false.

during my time not working or free lancing (i only took 2 max 3 projects a year depending on sizes of said projects), my husband could leave the home in the full knowledge that everyone and everything was taken care of. Because I am dyscalculic he still did the taxes etc and he does my VAT/tax returns now, but i did everything else.

SAHparent can be managing huge budgets depending on family incomes, and do most if not all the organisation for the logistics of the home (including shopping, cleaning, laundry etc), the kids, the social life of all, the organisation of holidays, the renovations, the maintenance, etc.

for me there wasnt many coffees with friends but all clubs for kids when they were not at school etc. Plus the lack of companionship during the day.

i would say that it was probably the most diffixult times (and I had PND after my second) so if my husband had begrudge me a few quids rhat would have pissed me off. At his level there was a majority of executives on the board with one parent at home. It is changing now and I am glad.

back to your question @Khor asking what other people have to spend is irrelevant because it depends of where you live and your disposable incomes. But you are absolutely right to discuss it with your husband. If it isnt enough for you to carry on then either you see what you can reduce or you increase the budget. Or maybe a bit of both.

i m vocal for SAHP they contribute a lot. And are economically VERY active as they do all the buying. My husband has no time even today when I work.

(but now i have to change the expectations that I am always available 🤣).

I've read all of OP posts and most others.

I think the problem is that you are mixing two different types of finances within a marriage. By agreeing to a £400 budget, you essentially are maintaining separate finances. However, you say all of the money is equally yours, which is a shared finances type of marriage.

What type of financial marriage do you usually have when both working and what did you agree to?

My marriage is shared finances, we both have full access to all money. During over 15 years of marriage, with 3 children and long periods of ill health, I only worked part-time for about 5 years.

I'm a SAHM. I can spend what I like on myself, but although we could afford it I personally wouldn't spend what you do on treatments.

My husband wouldn't question what I spend on anything, although we run larger purchases by each other. My husband fully supports me being home while I want or need to be.

It is about whether THEY can afford it, as a family, making decisions jointly as equal adults.
If she gets £200 extra for personal spends, so does he, and if they can afford it all is fine.
But they have to both agree.

What do you mean you 'add value'?
Are you assuming being a SAHM will benefit your child in later life and they will have better earning power?!

Haha no. What a reach.

Do SAH parents really think a house can't be kept running with 2 working parents? It's not that hard.

£400 a month if you were earning a decent salary before is an insult tbh. I wouldn’t do the washing for £100 a week let alone look after the kids and keep the house. The money that comes in is family money and you should have free access to it. You are the one that has relinquished your career and body to have children whilst he enjoys everything that not giving birth brings. He cannot do the latter whilst also hoarding all the money when essentially the earning power has been removed from the mother, by mutual decision.
Before anybody jumps on me, the OP has said that they can afford for her to have these treatments. They’re not on the breadline, her husband is being tight.

Are you planning a return to law? You haven't answered that because with planning nearly a decade off you'll be lucky to go back. If you are basing your future finances on returning to a lawyers salary you might want to rethink it.

I believe a lot of working mums will read this and burst out laughing.

Also, are you sure a second pregnancy is a good idea if the changes that happen to your body took such a negative toll on your MH?

£400 is a lot a month for personal spends. I didn’t get that much the years I was a SAHM and had to use what I did get as entertainment for my kids also. If both you and your husband both get £400 personal spends a month then it is fair and even. If you use that for treatments, you have to budget for them. I am sure you husband couldn’t care less that you’ve had microneedling or Botox and might not even notice, but if it made you feel better then great, but budget for it. Does you husband dip into the savings for his personal stuff or can he keep to his budget?

I think what the OP meant is that the added value of having one parent at home is it is easier and faster to climg the career ladder for the one working.

of course it isnt impossible for 2 working parents but it is harder unless you use a nanny. So again it s all about privileges as some cant afford a nanny even with 2 incomes. It s like living in an area with only under performing comps, other live in a grammar schools area, people can afford to put their kids in private if the former and tutor (if needs be) their kids to put them in grammar schools, and some cant do that.
i am not talking about people who wont on principle

it s just easier with one in charge of the back office when the other is in charge of the front office thats all.
thats what I was and to an extend what I am still!

Outsourced services generally have to be paid for I think

As a long term sahm I think the main thing to discuss with him is why he is so rigid in thinking that a figure agreed years ago would never be changed as things become more expensive or what you spend on changes.

Dh and I discuss these things. Your Dh needs to understand that these things are important to you and you would like to fund them from the shared money.

£400 is a lot of money and should cover everything. You obviously are used to a high end life style, but you do need to accept that if you choose to become a SAHM that things do have to change and you do need to make sacrifices.

It sounds like you might benefit from some counselling to talk through and try and find acceptance of your new life and to work on your self esteem.

I don't blame your DH though for not wanting to spend his earnings on expensive beauty treatments for you when the money could benefit the whole family.

Fair enoughIs that's what she meant.She probably did so apologies for getting it wrong.

She won't be climbing any career ladder.In law, at least unless she goes back now though. She will have missed her chance.

It does seem quite integral to her personality.As she's mentioned it a few times so if it's something that's important to her, she should go back now.

It's quite common for lawyers and other professionals for your self esteem to be tied up in your work.

@Khor if you are serious about going back to work I would do it sooner rather than later. It is very difficult to go back to law after an extended career break - possible but not guaranteed.

I think you didn't read the posts. DH's salary pays for pretty much everything and they both have £400 pocket/treat money on top each which they can spend on extras. OP doesn't have to live on 400 per month and pay bills from that. That's taken care of.

No one is disputing you add value, but that doesn’t equate to him only being able to be a pilot because you’re a stay at home parent.

Damit! This is when i need the laughing emoji!!

I get it op. I’m in a similar position. I like having fillers once a year. About 500 pounds. I don’t see how this can come out of my monthly amount if 250 pounds.
Circumstances change., and the treatments make you feel better. Try to tell your husband how they’re important to your well-being and you should be able to treat yourself with “family” money. It’s a tricky one and I’m finding it hard to navigate as my husband thinks they’re false and a waste x

I feel the stuff about whether you're contributing is a red herring (you are, btw). You're both contributing and you both have £400 to spend on yourselves. Seems fair to me.

The real question is whether, as a couple, it's sensible to spend extra money on botox that could be going into savings or similar (plus an equivalent increase in what your husband gets to spend on himself). That really depends on all sorts of things, including your particular circs- no right or wrong.

I don't find the arguments about needing botox to stave off depression very convincing. There are many ways to practise self-care that don't involve spending hundreds of pounds.

Please clarify then how you "add value"? I'm intrigued by this.

Does your h know how you spend your money? My guess is that he wouldn’t know how much your hair costs per month, never mind how much you spend on other bits and bobs that keep you looking good because beauty standards are different for men and he can get away with salt and pepper hair colour or going to a barber for a trim without looking unprofessional.

My mum was a SAHM. Dad was a self employed sign writer. We were not well off. She did his accounts as she was a trained book keeper, all the money went into one account. Mum had the cash card and gave him money or he kept the cash in hand jobs 🤣
Many years later he asked me to get him cash out of the atm as he didn't know his PIN and I did.

Hi op. I am sorry that your mh took a massive hit post-partum. It happens to a lot of women. And I am sorry you are getting such a hard time on here. Looking after children in the home is undervalued imho and it’s a tough job! It can also be really isolating and lonely. Do you have much rl support eg family and friends?

Please ignore the people making nasty comments who seem to despise other women who make different choices to them. Such an odd brand of feminism imho!

I mean the following kindly; have you considered that you might still be a bit anxious and depressed? And there might be other, more effective ways of boosting your self esteem than expensive facial treatments etc? Such as focusing on good quality sleep, diet and exercise? I say this as someone who would love to have my thirty-three year old skin back! 😀😀

Obviously if facials are your thing, then that’s your choice, and fair enough, but I think you might have to cut back. The usual deal with being a sahm is that you have time but not a lot of money, so maybe home made equivalents of treatments might be a better option? I know Trinny London sells an “at home” micro-needling set which has good reviews for example. Another example is that one of my siblings got very much in to natural skin care when she was a sahm and made home made mosturisers and bath bombs etc. A friend of mine got all of her beauty treatments done for a fraction of the cost at a local beauty college; all properly supervised, it just took slightly longer than usual.

I really sympathise with you feeling unhappy and down in yourself, but I’m sorry, I agree with your dh that £400 is a reasonable sum, and you need to cut your coat to suit your cloth or whatever the phrase is! Or return to work earlier than planned?

I think it’s important to try and save a bit of your spending money every month too. Btw, have you got child allowance sorted and your pension and NI contributions?

Sorry op, but to be blunt I think there is a danger that you are looking for quick fix solutions to give yourself a boost, and I am worried you might blow a lot of money you can’t really spare on treatments that have a very temporary effect, Wishing you well 💐