To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

[KaitlynnFairchild]

My DP of 5 years brings his own cutlery and glass to my house because he doesn't like to share things. He had a glass on the bedside table in my room and it had been there for several days so I took it downstairs to wash it.

Unfortunately it is exactly the same as my glasses.

He is now refusing to use the glass because he doesn't know for sure that it is HIS glass. It is perfectly clean, I personally washed it and dried it with kitchen paper. There are no marks or smears on it.

I know he doesn't like sharing and I bite my tongue when he uses his own special cutlery from his own special pouch, but I find it offensive that he can't bring himself to use a clean glass because me or my children (teens & young adults) might have used it.

He manages to use glasses and and cutlery in restaurants/on holiday but takes a bottle of water every where we go so he doesn't have to accept drinks in other peoples houses.

He hasn't been diagnosed with any neurodiversity or mental health issues however I suspect there is something there which is why I bite my tongue usually.

Well, it’s clearly an entrenched behaviour, so I suppose you accept it or you don’t. It wouldn’t work for me, but then I struggle to understand how someone so worried about germs and cleanliness could share a bed or have sex.

it is clearly an issue for him.
If he is a keeper can you suggest that you (he, you, doesn't matter) buy(s) some cutlery, crockery and a couple of glasses for his sole use to keep at yours?

Otherwise, chuck this one back.

He does have his own cutlery at mine that I bought because he was struggling, he has a preferred plate too that I always serve his dinner on.

I am just struggling to understand how the clean glass is such an issue, I wasn't asking him to share a glass of water with the kids, it had been washed properly.

Sorry but this is total bollocks. If he can use restaurant glasses and cutlery then he could us it in other peoples homes. I could not live with that.

Sounds infuriating and yes, quite offensive but he isn’t going to change. He needs to move his own stuff including his glass to his Special Clean Pouch so there can be no further harm done.

Just out of interest, how does he cope with sharing bodily fluids with you?

Good grief - I couldn’t deal with this. That strikes me as very strange. How can he use glasses etc in a hotel abroad, but not at your house? That makes no sense at all.

If you want to stay with him you’ll need to have items of different colours/ designs kept just for him.

Have you challenged him on this? "You're ok at Le Gavaroche but you can't use my glasses? what's that about?"

Does he do it to be "special"? How do you feel about indulging in this batshit behaviour?

I don't think he does it to be special, I genuinely think he can't help it.

When I ask about restaurants etc he says they go through an industrial super hot washer so he can just about manage that.

He is absolutely fine in terms of sex, not an issue for him at all funnily enough, despite the fact I have children with someone else so he's clearly not the first person to lick that!

It sounds like an ocd. What do you mean by 'struggling'? What does he think will happen if he shares a glass with you? Does he have any other contamination fears?

Have you seen him washing his plates and cutlery? Does it look normal, or is it a special routine?

The restaurant eating/drinking could be a red herring. He could have convinced himself that restaurants have a special, more comprehensive approach to cleaning.

Just seen your update - industrial washers.

I have just ordered some glasses from Amazon with different coloured bottoms so at least it won't happen again. I just think he could be a bit more self aware on how his reaction could be perceived.

My son has autism so I am well used to dealing with peoples quirks and try to accommodate as much as possible, I just found this a bit too far.

ok i kind of understand about the restaurants (he has some internal consistency there)

What is his washing up routine at home for things you (or other visitors) have used? Does he have separate things there for visitors that he never uses?

Sounds like some form of OCD but if everything else is otherwise fine, i would indulge it.

Sorry but he's being ridiculous. He can kiss you/have sex with you but can't share a glass??

Hello, just to say I’m batshit too. I cannot accept a drink in a glass or cup in someone else’s house. Yes even my parents house. Not water, not squash, not tea of coffee. Don’t know why- nothing has happened to wig me out over it- it just feels wrong. Not even about the germs to be honest- more about having the open drinks ‘vessel’ open to the elements of the house. I have drinks in a bottle or travel cup.
The plate and and cutlery thing is unusual to me but then I can understand someone having irrational thoughts over it I suppose.
I second getting his own plates and cutlery and washing them himself so they are satisfactory.
if that’s the only thing- try and let it slide.

Yes, I thought this right away. I'm afraid I wouldn't want to live like that. You washed a bloody glass. Nope.

He can have sex with you though. I'd be letting him go, you don't need his OCD screwing with you and your family

Sounds like some form of OCD but if everything else is otherwise fine, i would indulge it.

Agree it sounds like OCD, but I don't agree to indulge it. I have OCD and it can be horrendously debilitating, but it's not fair to subject people to your compulsions. He needs to seek help.

And yes there clearly is some mental health issue there. Most likely OCD.

I prefer not to use glasses that my BF's teenage kids use.
So I have my glass that I stash away so it's less likely they use it.
Also I've gone and bought more glasses and got more from a charity shop so that there's plenty so there's less chance they use my one glass.

Unless there is back story that you let your mangy flea ridden poodle drink out of your glasses.....

You either accept it as he won't change or maybe think of moving on.

This would give me the complete ick, sorry.

He doesn't have visitors at his home, he doesn't make people feel comfortable and relaxed there so nobody comes.

He washes his things in a normal way, he isn't fussed about them being sparkling clean, just that they haven't been in anyone else's mouth.

He does have other quirks (lots!) like certain tubs are for certain types of foods, he eats his breakfast from a particular colour tub, he won't walk on grass ever, he buys two of everything so that he always has a new one ready to use, this included shoes, so he used to wear vans, he would have the pair he was wearing and a new pair in the box. When his current pair wore out he had to buy a new pair to keep in the box before he could wear the existing pair in the box.

Like I say, he's undiagnosed with anything but there is clearly something there, that's why I usually accommodate things. I just found this particular 'quirk' a bit offensive.

He has been in our life 5 years and still thinks we are unclean to the extent he can't use a clean glass in my home.

Also just to say, OCD isn't logical so it's not fair to say 'oh he's fine with X so should be fine with Y'. You can have an obsession with germs in one setting but be fine in others, or be unable to leave the house for fear of leaving the hob on but not worry about taps and flooding, etc.

I wouldn’t be offended. But I would, unless he has a specific ND diagnosis, think he was a dick and not want anything to do with him as a romantic partner. If he was really nice, I might be OK to have him as a friend, though.

And actually, you having to buy special cutlery and glasses would piss me off. It shouldn't be your expense.