To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

[KaitlynnFairchild]

My DP of 5 years brings his own cutlery and glass to my house because he doesn't like to share things. He had a glass on the bedside table in my room and it had been there for several days so I took it downstairs to wash it.

Unfortunately it is exactly the same as my glasses.

He is now refusing to use the glass because he doesn't know for sure that it is HIS glass. It is perfectly clean, I personally washed it and dried it with kitchen paper. There are no marks or smears on it.

I know he doesn't like sharing and I bite my tongue when he uses his own special cutlery from his own special pouch, but I find it offensive that he can't bring himself to use a clean glass because me or my children (teens & young adults) might have used it.

He manages to use glasses and and cutlery in restaurants/on holiday but takes a bottle of water every where we go so he doesn't have to accept drinks in other peoples houses.

He hasn't been diagnosed with any neurodiversity or mental health issues however I suspect there is something there which is why I bite my tongue usually.

What actually matters here is that this particular man is a selfish dick (often goes along with mental illness of this severity, which is understandable to an extent but still doesn't excuse it IMO) and you may have reached your limit. Straw and camel comes to mind. I mean honestly, if your little family unit already has loads of quirks and things to navigate between yourselves I'm surprised you've been willing to indulge him so much for so long. That's a lot of energy spent on someone who's not willing to see the difficulties he creates and how you and your children might be impacted by them.

It sounds like OCD, and it isn’t something you can help with. He has to admit it is a problem and seek hell, a lot of it is therapy and will only work if he wants to change.
I have a family member with contamination OCD. They believe they are allergic to other people. They won’t seek help and make it everyone else’s problem. It is maddening and I have had to distance myself from it.

He has all my sympathy, and I think a few posters on this thread don't quite understand rigid thinking or OCD and the illogical nature of it.

That said, I am worried that this isn't a deal breaker for you.

This is not your problem to fix

If he accepts your take on this and asks for help, and it's a big if, OCD can be a recurrent lifelong struggle even with medication. Due to the nature of OCD, it can be hard to identify and admit when things aren't going well and you need more help.

Ultimately control is at the route of OCD, because control gives you a sense of security, and when others tell you things are getting out of control, it just ramps up and up and up.

I'm sure you think that he is still worthy of being loved and he is, but you will be setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. This will be your life.

He isn't ready to be in a relationship until he can admit this is a problem to himself and for him and him only to take proactive steps to resolving this, because if you try and do it for him, he will feel more out of control and it won't help.

If you stay in this relationship then you're facilitating him not reaching that point where he is in a place to get help for himself.

Are you planning to never live together, or to do so when you no longer have kids at home?

Im not saying that though.

When I ask about restaurants etc he says they go through an industrial super hot washer so he can just about manage that

And that is hilarious. When I was a teenager I worked as a waitress. The cook used to use either his thumb or the dish towel, used for numerous things, to ‘clean’ the plate if gravy had dripped in wrong spot or some meat juice where it shouldn’t be etc. He also used to put his thumb in mouth and bite thumbnail when thinking. Restaurant patrons never knew. Everyone lived.

I think we will wait until the kids have moved out. At the moment he accepts that My house has My rules and they are different to his house. If he starts trying to impose his rigid thinking onto my children then I pull him up, within reason.

So things like him having his own cutlery, fine. Doesn't really bother us.

Him trying to limit the use of pans to particular food stuffs - not fine. I will cook eggs in the pancake pan if I want to, they are my pans.

Him keeping his toothbrush in the bedroom and using his own tooth paste, fine.

Him complaining if the kids leave crumbs on the side, not fine. Just wipe them up.

Due to the nature of OCD, it can be hard to identify and admit when things aren't going well and you need more help

True. But that’s why you need to trust and listen to others, as it’s not usually possible for them to see this themselves. That this guy has just blown OP off should stick up a big red flag. This won’t get better, and even has the possibility to get worse, and he still won’t listen to concerns and act on them if the current reaction is anything to go by.

I wouldn't ever live with him. That will be an utter nightmare for you.

This sounds like contamination OCD. It doesn't necessarily make rational sense, the thought can apply to one thing and not another. He clearly has some kind of contamination fear that arises in domestic homes. Do you think he would be open to speaking to a therapist trained to support people with OCD or get a diagnosis?

I am guessing not, given he just told me I am being silly and it doesn't impact on his life.

It's so hard. I'm sorry

No, but it is impacting YOUR life and will continue to do so.

Sorry but the personal special cutlery pouch would give me the ick. If he genuinely doesn’t have ocd or similar or isn’t ND then this is something I’d have a really hard time putting up with. But it really sounds like he does, in which case he can’t help it but needs to admit he has a problem and seek help for it. If he doesn’t, it sounds like living with him, as you eventually plan to, would be a living nightmare

There is another explanation

He has a condition which makes him think illogically

I was thinking this. I've worked in hospitality and had to put the glasses through the dishwasher multiple times because they don't always come out clean enough. They're really heavily used.

I do a lot of these things; I have emetophobia so am super paranoid about germs. I have a lot of OCD-type behavoiurs around cleanliness and comtamination.
I am aware that it's a 'me' problem though, and I'm having therapy.

I can almost guarantee that deep down he wishes he could be normal. I have OCD type behaviours too. It's so limiting

Asperges. A very wide spectrum and he's on it. Most are to a degree but yours a bit more

Actually the more I think about it the more I can see it creeping into other areas of his life, for example -

He gets really stressed if he can't get a set amount of over time in during each month. It started at 21 hours and has crept up to 50 hours a month. He doesn't need the money, his basic wage covers his outgoings and leaves room to put money away. The overtime money goes straight into his savings and he has well over a years salary saved or he could pay off his mortgage and still have a significant financial buffer) Yet if he can't get the required hours in he gets really stressed.

If he has OCD as everyone seems to think, would that explain this behaviour too? I would definitely say that is impacting his life!

I agree with those commenting on the commercial washers but I don't dare point this out to him or we would never eat out again!

FFS…….he uses restaurant crockery and cutlery with no issue so there’s no difference in using yours without having his own ‘special knife, fork, and spoon and glass’ ! How old is he? Sounds like a 2year old with special cutlery kept at his nanas house because the big people’s knives and forks are too big for his lickle handies!!!!

Sorry OP but it is specifically your cleanliness he has an issue with. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't think my home was clean enough for them. He isn't going to change, only you know if you can live with it, I couldn't.

Yes, it does sounds like OCD. It's seemingly arbitrary rule applied rigidly with an impact on mood when the rule "goes wrong". How does he behave if he doesn't get his hours in?
Is it a shrug and oh well or do you feel the impact of a bad mood?

Sorry, this is what I was responding to.