To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

[KaitlynnFairchild]

My DP of 5 years brings his own cutlery and glass to my house because he doesn't like to share things. He had a glass on the bedside table in my room and it had been there for several days so I took it downstairs to wash it.

Unfortunately it is exactly the same as my glasses.

He is now refusing to use the glass because he doesn't know for sure that it is HIS glass. It is perfectly clean, I personally washed it and dried it with kitchen paper. There are no marks or smears on it.

I know he doesn't like sharing and I bite my tongue when he uses his own special cutlery from his own special pouch, but I find it offensive that he can't bring himself to use a clean glass because me or my children (teens & young adults) might have used it.

He manages to use glasses and and cutlery in restaurants/on holiday but takes a bottle of water every where we go so he doesn't have to accept drinks in other peoples houses.

He hasn't been diagnosed with any neurodiversity or mental health issues however I suspect there is something there which is why I bite my tongue usually.

That’s weird about the toothbrush. I don’t know anyone who would expect their partner to be okay sharing their toothbrush or washcloth.

Yep. I did tell him that the people he insists exist that are fine with sharing a toothbrush are a teeny tiny minority.

He needs an ND assessment. This is not normal bejaviour. It's obsessive and fixating with OCD. However, how does he manage to kiss, or have sex!?

I think I would find this too off putting to be able to be in this relationship.

That might be unfair, esp as this seems likely to be an ND thing, but I couldn’t cope with it.

I’m sure there are lots of things people would find off putting about me too!

Eh?

Why have you chosen to be with someone like this?

Sounds absolutely insane. Run.

hi person with ocd here.

there are two sides to this.

1 ocd is stupid and things often don’t make sense to others. So there MAY be a bit of ocd happening

2 he things you are dirty.

both things may be true but to me (as someone with ocd) if he can use hotel/restaurant glasses/plates etc that isn’t an ocd behaviour it’s a he thinks your house/kids/you are dirty - not saying you are at all just that I think that’s what MIGHT be going on.

the best thing I can advise is to just get a new glass and move on. If you have the kind of relationship where you can talk I would just say to him “bring a new glass over and if you ever want to explain why your special glass is important I would be happy to listen” or something along those lines.

I understand your reasons for posting but a mild annoyance is now getting you to question your whole relationship based on these comments.

It stood out to me you have a ND household, you are used to “odd behaviour” and making allowances in a way others don’t. You will have had allowances made for you for your “quirks” and ADHD.

I have OCD, I will never eat or drink at anyone’s house and at home have a designated glass and there is just me and my DP of 11 years.

It does his head in, he sees me as inflexible but he has ASD and there are things he does that are irrational to me.

My family and friends are all ND and it’s a world you don’t understand from the outside, it requires trust and compromise and understanding but it’s usually “traits” that are small compared to the rest of the persons actual personality.

The biggest question that I’ve not noticed anyone ask so far is; do you love him?

I am so much more than my OCD and it drives people mad but the love is stronger.

I am having therapy that has helped so much but related to a different diagnosis, it’s helping me to have healthier relationships where the big stuff matters and the rest is just compromise.

My best friend had very severe debilitating OCD that took over her life, 7 months on Setraline and she’s a new person.

There are ways to deal with disordered thinking and behaviour that you might want to explore in future.
For now you’ve solved it by buying new glasses. He treats you well and you are happy, please don’t throw anything away based on these comments from people who don’t have the insight you already do.

Really just wanting to second this. Anyone who's ever worked on a commercial kitchen will laugh at this industrial dishwasher belief the same as they would if an adult believed in Tooth Fairy.
Maybe he should know this is nonsense. It might make a problem for him then.

The thing is it's not insulting to you or your children, it's nothing to do with you. it's like telling my autistic daughter that it's not actually loud / bright / scratchy / whatever because someone else doesn't think it's loud / bright / scratchy. Her brain just experiences things differently, it's not personal.

So I do think it's worth exploring if he might want to get some help with this but I think the actual issue here is that you are adjusting around him without any acknowledgement from him that this is an unusual way to live. I would think the conversation would be more like 'I know this is super frustrating, I find it frustrating myself but I just can't bring myself to use this glass anymore. Can we set aside a cupboard for me and I'll make sure to keep up on the washing up myself?' instead of 'eek, this glass is dead to me cause you are gross. Buy me a new glass'

We had a ‘glass cleaner’ in a kitchen we worked in, it was recycling the dirty water. It was revolting.

I just don’t think this is a big deal. He could just wash up after himself, or like you said earlier, treat you to a dishwasher. I don’t see why that would have such a big impact on your life.

If it was only this then I agree it wouldn't be such a big deal. But it's more like tip of a large and growing iceberg.

Thank you for this, honestly he is a great guy, we have a nice relationship and we have moved on.

I was a bit annoyed and prefer to vent to Mumsnet than people in real life. It was just a storm in a glass, we I mean tea cup.

It depends if it's essentially a quirk, or an aspect of severe anxiety/OCD. The former is unlikely to get worse and will be easier to manage between the two (or more) individuals involved, especially since the family is used to navigating quirks. If it's the latter it can, and most likely will, get much, much worse as it progresses and will become impossible for OP to work around unless he accepts that it's a problem and decides to seek some help and actively work towards addressing it.

Wishing you well @KaitlynnFairchild - at the end of the day you're not trapped. You're happy now and if anything changes that you can make decisions along the way about what's best for you, your children and potentially your grandchildren.

invite his sister and her dc around , tell his sister why so she does bring the dc, sit him down after and say if you have grandchildren and they or your adult children aren’t welcome or are made uncomfortable in your home then you will be so extremely miserable, and you may have to ask him to leave. So you’d like to address this now to improve everyone’s lives, so your kids can invite friends around now like other people do.