To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

[KaitlynnFairchild]

My DP of 5 years brings his own cutlery and glass to my house because he doesn't like to share things. He had a glass on the bedside table in my room and it had been there for several days so I took it downstairs to wash it.

Unfortunately it is exactly the same as my glasses.

He is now refusing to use the glass because he doesn't know for sure that it is HIS glass. It is perfectly clean, I personally washed it and dried it with kitchen paper. There are no marks or smears on it.

I know he doesn't like sharing and I bite my tongue when he uses his own special cutlery from his own special pouch, but I find it offensive that he can't bring himself to use a clean glass because me or my children (teens & young adults) might have used it.

He manages to use glasses and and cutlery in restaurants/on holiday but takes a bottle of water every where we go so he doesn't have to accept drinks in other peoples houses.

He hasn't been diagnosed with any neurodiversity or mental health issues however I suspect there is something there which is why I bite my tongue usually.

Special cutlery in a special pouch, 😬that would turn me off and actually turn stomach, how has it come to this?

Wake up woman.

perhaps "indulge" is the wrong word?how easy is it to get therapy for what may be a very mild case of OCD?

As i understand it, from what i have read (and listening to that MP talk about it in parliament many years ago) it can escalate into awful awful feelings leading to extreme behaviours that can seriously impact someone's life.

Is there any help, or self-help resources, to "nip this in the bud" or contain it?

He has been in our life 5 years and still thinks we are unclean to the extent he can't use a clean glass in my home.

But you're good enough to swap bodily fluids with? And yes, the phrasing is intentional.

Absolutely not.

It’s no longer ‘in the bud’ it’s a fully overgrown rose bush.

oh have seen OPs update. No. He needs therapy.

And i wouldn'T put up with someone thinking i was unclean.

I would be concerned that at times of stress his OCD would worsen and then it could be any manner of strange behaviours that take over his rational thinking.

What would annoy me is that he is quite happy to live his life like this and hasn’t gone for counselling or hypnotherapy etc to help him overcome these irrational fears.

I voted YABU. Because you are, to put up with this level of behaviour from another adult.

How on earth are you tolerating this?!
If he can’t bring himself to drink from a glass that I’d washed then my body wouldn’t be available for him for sex. He’s choosing to be able to eat in restaurants, even though complete strangers have handled the glasses and cutlery but not from the person that he supposedly loves and trusts. Absolutely not!
He doesn’t have little quirks, he’s down right weird/ill!

It's so strange. So he will kiss your mouth and other body parts, but won't drink from where your mouth has been, yet eat and drink from where thousands of mouths have been? Does he drink from pub glasses? I've worked in a bar and the glass washing is pretty grim! In my own experience!!

We very rarely go to bars but he has drank from glasses when we do.

He doesn't think he needs to address his issue because it "doesn't affect his life" - the reason it doesn't affect his life is because we work round it.

I am pretty understanding, I deal with all kinds of quirks from my son so I know sometimes people can't help how they feel and it's not always rational.

It's just his complete refusal to accept that his behaviour is offensive that has gotten my back up.

It sounds similar to the allergy to electricity that Jimmy McGill (Saul Goodman) had in "Better Call Saul".

I think it's the teenagers that he is more grossed out by than me to be fair to him.

Would you refuse to use your glass if it had been in general population? Or would you give it a good wash and crack on?

Yes it's actually worse to indulge OCD for that exact reason - it exacerbates the problem for the individual, but it also creates issues for everyone else around them. He gets to bumble along thinking everything is fine and dandy because everyone else is bending over backwards to accommodate.

I agree with that, you are dancing with him.

Why can’t he re-wash that glass to whatever standard and in whatever temperature he sees fit and then use it?

If restaurants are OK because things are hot washed, it’s not just the fact someone before will have put their lips on that glass that freaks him out and there’s some level of cleaning which satisfies him - so let him clean it to that level.

If that won’t do then it sounds like he’s being an ass about it and inconsistent between your house and restaurants which would piss me off

If he was so upset he should have bought himself a new glass.

By the way, I've worked in restaurants and he's deluding himself if he thinks those glasses are any cleaner than what he'll have in a private home!

Just for my own records, what does his special cutlery pouch look like?

Do you really want to ride him after seeing him wearing that?

Yes that's true. Why the heck isn't he buying his own new glass since it's his issue??

Don’t know how anyone could live with this. It’d drive me nuts!

“He’s clearly not the first person to lick that!” Just did me in OP you’re hilarious!
Would he be more comfortable if you had a dishwasher do you think? Assuming you don’t based on him being ok in restaurants (I think he’s wrong though, suspect your plates and glasses are much cleaner. Maybe don’t say that!)

I don’t really understand why it offends you - it’s clearly a him issue, and not a rational or reasonable assessment of your hygiene.

Being offended feels like a waste of energy - like taking a toddler’s opinion of your cooking personally. It’s certainly tiresome, and could well be a relationship breaker. Maybe try and reflect on why it’s triggered this particular reaction? As women we carry a huge burden of expectation around hygiene, housekeeping and home making. And there are longstanding cultural tropes about women fixing men.

It sounds like he has a deep, embedded issue that will not just go away, without professional help, if even then. You don’t get to choose to walk away from your dc, but you do get to choose what you’re willing to take on with a partner.

I’m guessing that it feels easier to say “how rude” because it shifts blame away from you, and simplifies the complexity of rejecting someone for what is essentially a disability. As mums of autistic dc, it can feel really wrong to even put ourselves first. The feelings can get tangled up in our feelings, responsibilities (and resentments too) towards our dc. Simply, it feels like bad karma.

The problem is that if you don’t confront it head on, you can sleepwalk into a situation that is adding to your burdens. Being offended is a short term thing, and it may not have the emotional ooompff to help you extract yourself, especially if you have the sort of subconscious rumblings I’ve described.

And you may not. I could be wide of the mark.

But just in case I will reiterate: we don’t get to choose our dc, but we can choose our partners.

I hope he wears a tunic and hangs the pouch off his belt.

He doesn't wear the pouch, that's just where it is stored, it's just a bog standard camping set of cutlery from Amazon, after eating he washes it and stores it in the pouch so that it doesn't go into general circulation.

I did say he could rewash it but he said it doesn't matter because it's not HIS glass. So it is definitely something to do with anyone else having used it ever.

To be fair he wasn't making a big deal, he just refused to have the glass, it was more me that made a deal out of it because I found it so offensive and frustrating that he wouldn't use a clean glass.

He is happy to just bring another glass. (he doesn't need to now as I have bought some that are not identical)

I think if you're happy to accommodate this, then it has to be his responsibility to maintain it and provide what he needs. Set aside a cabinet for him, get him to bring a full set of everything he needs and keep it in the cabinet. He has to keep things clean and washed up and it's not your responsiblity.

My friend has a full separate cabinet for her coeliac husband so the kids aren't constantly being told not to touch things if they want a snack, etc. so it can work, but it's her husband's responsibility to sort things out.

My daughter is autistic so I spend a lot of time working around her - she has feelings about noises and smells and such and we actually spend quite a lot of effort / money to create as peaceful a life for all of us as possible. I can find myself a bit resentful at time which makes me feel really guilty - but she's a child and is actually my responsibility. Your partner is neither so needs to manage this himself.

Sorry, I mis-read 🤦‍♀️