To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

[KaitlynnFairchild]

My DP of 5 years brings his own cutlery and glass to my house because he doesn't like to share things. He had a glass on the bedside table in my room and it had been there for several days so I took it downstairs to wash it.

Unfortunately it is exactly the same as my glasses.

He is now refusing to use the glass because he doesn't know for sure that it is HIS glass. It is perfectly clean, I personally washed it and dried it with kitchen paper. There are no marks or smears on it.

I know he doesn't like sharing and I bite my tongue when he uses his own special cutlery from his own special pouch, but I find it offensive that he can't bring himself to use a clean glass because me or my children (teens & young adults) might have used it.

He manages to use glasses and and cutlery in restaurants/on holiday but takes a bottle of water every where we go so he doesn't have to accept drinks in other peoples houses.

He hasn't been diagnosed with any neurodiversity or mental health issues however I suspect there is something there which is why I bite my tongue usually.

Maybe he doesn’t enjoy it as much and is forcing through it . Where as at ops he can be more relaxed and enjoy it .so no I don’t believe it’s bollocks

This is next level batshit. I could not be with such a person. Where do you see yourself in the future OP?

I couldn't be doing with that. There's no future in terms of you living together. You can't go to his house - he doesn't make people feel welcome in his house. He has problems that you will never be able to help him overcome.

He may not be able to choose how he feels, but he has proved he has some element of choice in whether and how he acts on those feelings.

If you choose to enable him to think his choices don’t affect anyone else, so he needn’t try to get help to act differently, that’s up to you, but I couldn’t.

If he was a keeper he’d make the effort to get a diagnosis and then the appropriate support/therapy. I’d have sympathy with that. But id he’s just expecting you all to put up with it cos its “just his way” then sorry no.

And the special pouch would turn me right off. I mean, just the word “pouch” gives me the shudders.

It could be OCD - and I am no expert but I understand that accommodating OCD makes it worse, so it might be worth him looking into having it checked out and look into therapy for it.

People keep going on about sex but it's not a rational thing, you can't make it logical. That's why it's classed as OCD or similar rather than just someone who is overly concerned about germs in general.

Your choice really. your decision on whether he is worth it to you or not. Given that the glasses are identical, how did he know that you had mixed them up?

We are a neuro divergent family so very understanding of others needs whether rational or not. They know it's not about them. So do I really, it just annoyed me.

he may not call it a pouch.

That’s not my point though is it?

I really like your farting analogy. It's exactly the same. You couldn't help it, but that doesn't mean you're not going to apologize and recognise the impact on everyone else. Could you explain it to him that way? At the moment he's not seeking help because doesn't impact his life - can you explain that it's impacting yours and you'd like him to care enough about that to take action?

I don't like sharing a glass not even with a partner which people have found odd because we've shared other things 🫣 but a washed one ! Should be fine. Saying that, he can get his own distinguishable set and wash it himself if he's otherwise not too hard work 😅

If he ever went backstage to a commercial kitchen, he'd never eat out again.

I hadn't mixed them up, I know it was his glass because I took it downstairs, washed it and knew where I put it.

He doesn't know for 100% certain that it is HIS glass which is why he is now refusing to use it. Despite me telling him that it is the glass I took from the side.

He is amazing in lots of ways, it's not a deal breaker but I do think he might need some help and I am going to bring it up again with him.

He won't even let people in work make him a cup of coffee in his own cup so it's not just us he has issues with.

Forget about OCD for a minute, this man has you jumping to attention, and his so called quirks appear to me anyway, to be his way of controlling you. He's masking that with the glasses thing. Note, it doesn't happen outside your home does it?

He doesn't have visitors at his home, he doesn't make people feel comfortable and relaxed there so nobody comes.

I would end it unless you'd be happy to eventually stuck with 'just him' as no one will be wanting to visit your home if he's there....

well I kind of think it is......I mean why would it give you the shudders about someone because someone else uses a word that you don't like?

I’d have very little time for this. I wouldn’t be with someone like this. It never gets better.

He doesn't eat at anyone else's house and he takes a bottle of water everywhere so he never accepts a drink anywhere else either.

He is very regimented in what he eats, the exact same weighed out breakfast every single day, his colleagues laugh at him (good naturedly) because he has his chicken wrap exactly the same at the exact same time.

It's definitely not any attempt to control me. He is a great partner in all other ways which is why I can work around this issue. I don't want to give the impression that he's not.

I am used to accommodating peoples sensory issues as the mother of ND children so I do get it.

He hasn't been diagnosed with any neurodiversity or mental health issues however I suspect there is something there which is why I bite my tongue usually.

He's almost certainly got OCD. This is a classic OCD behaviour. Illogically fixating on a specific hygiene-related thing while being not that bothered about other things, and extreme reaction to someone else breaking his 'rules'.

He may also be autistic, of course. But he almost certainly has OCD whether he's autistic or not.

However, the fact that he's got a mental illness doesn't mean you have to put up with his behaviour. He sounds very reminiscent of my friend's ex-partner who had OCD and essentially made his partner and children's life incredibly difficult by a) having irrational rules about what was and wasn't OK in the home and b) getting in a mood when they broke them. Like your boyfriend, he also refused to accept that he needed treatment because it 'didn't affect his life' when it was affecting his family's life quite seriously. My friend's daughter had some real self-esteem issues when she was young because her father's particular OCD focus was essentially implying that she and her brother were 'dirty', which she obviously found really upsetting.

Mental. I couldn’t be doing with that, even before the not knowing what glass was his issue. As others have said, if he can use cutlery etc in restaurants he can do it anywhere.

No, I'd not be offended. If he shared a bed with me and had sex with me, I'd know it wasn't personal and that he didn't see me as 'unclean', but was a sign of something else, mental health or cognitive related. I'd know it was a him thing and not a me one so no need for offence.

Well obviously he’s being unreasonable, but it does sound like a MH or ND issue rather than him deliberately being rude. If he’s okay about ever else I’d let it go.

I couldn’t tolerate this at all. His behaviour would drive me fucking nuts. Cutlery that he keeps in a little pouch?? He sounds about as sexy as Mr Bean.

Honestly, I’d bin him. I say that as a parent of an adult child who has had OCD forever. They had to live in a full household, so basically there wasn’t a lot of scope for it to impact others without it being unfair to their siblings. So, we spent a shit tonne on getting it under control to the point we could all rub along without their siblings childhoods being too impacted. Now and again, they slip and we tell them to get back and get help pronto, meds adjusted, whatever it takes basically and they get the help needed to reign it back in to an acceptable state - will never be ‘normal’, which is fine, we just need acceptable.