To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

[KaitlynnFairchild]

My DP of 5 years brings his own cutlery and glass to my house because he doesn't like to share things. He had a glass on the bedside table in my room and it had been there for several days so I took it downstairs to wash it.

Unfortunately it is exactly the same as my glasses.

He is now refusing to use the glass because he doesn't know for sure that it is HIS glass. It is perfectly clean, I personally washed it and dried it with kitchen paper. There are no marks or smears on it.

I know he doesn't like sharing and I bite my tongue when he uses his own special cutlery from his own special pouch, but I find it offensive that he can't bring himself to use a clean glass because me or my children (teens & young adults) might have used it.

He manages to use glasses and and cutlery in restaurants/on holiday but takes a bottle of water every where we go so he doesn't have to accept drinks in other peoples houses.

He hasn't been diagnosed with any neurodiversity or mental health issues however I suspect there is something there which is why I bite my tongue usually.

I think it’s fine to accept his separate glass, plate, cutlery etc as it sounds you are aware this is most likely OCD or ASD but until he recognises this and is prepared to acknowledge it and have treatment I would be surprised if you can ever live together. He has so many rules that are fine for him, in his own house and visiting others/work if that’s what ‘helps’ his anxiety but I don’t know that he would cope with sharing everything everyday!

He needs therapy and you might want a dishwasher…

Hi op I feel for him and for you.
I agree with the others who have said contamination OCD my 9 year old has it.
it sounds pretty mild or like he is able to worth through his other worry’s but it sounds like my daughter.
he has his safe foods and his safe ways to eat and drink so that he doesn’t feel like he is contaminating himself.
Its hard I know, you sound like an amazing parter to be able to empathise with this and realise it is out of his control.
my daughter was diagnosed just before Xmas when she started not being able to eat, drink or even swallow her own saliva. She couldn’t wear clothes as they were contaminated though a dirty washing machine or being hung up to dry in the dirty air. We couldn’t buy new clothes because people had touched them.
the list goes on. Meds helped her allot, she still has her moments but today her sister has come down with a cold and she sat next to her for dinner although had to eat with her back turned to her it’s a massive step. Generally she would run screaming as soon as she realised her sister was sick and we would have to take great measures of cleaning everything and keeping them apart.

how is he with sick people ?

I wouldn't worry so much about spiralling because that will be obvious. Instead watch out for "boiled frog". That his obsessions and compulsions and anxieties and rigidities very gradually expand and slowly bend your own life further and further out of shape until there are endless things that you can't do and endless things that you have to remember to do his way not your own

With these anxiety-related conditions, the more you do, the more he will need you to do. One way to test this: over these five years, have any of these rigidities ever decreased or gone away? Or do you just see him getting more of them, or more strongly?

He’s a nut case

Is he happy to kiss you, OP? If so, point out to him that there is a lot more germ sharing in a kiss than in using a glass that has been washed. If he can't come around to the logic if it, you're dealing with OCD which is irrational in nature and not something to be offended by.

I'm autistic. I also have OCD. What you're describing sounds very familiar to me.

There’s no way I could have a partner like this, no way at all… whatever his other qualities.

I’d assess carefully how often you adjust for him, and adjust less, although it’s hard to think of specific examples. Where you go to dinner if that’s one- you: I want to eat there’s him: no it’s dirty. You: it’s not, you need to talk to someone about that. I want to eat there’s. Him: I do not need to talk to anyone, it doesn’t affect my life. You: yes it does, it affects my life. I would always go along with what you want but you are throwing this it doesn’t affect my life argument like you don’t notice how much I have to adapt to keep you happy. I’m going to go and eat at the restaurant I want to, and since it doesn’t affect your life you’re welcome to join me.

I’d pull him up on it much much more often. You say you are used to parenting nd kids- this is the wrong attitude, he is not an nd kid you have to parent. He’s an adult who should be your partner. And you need to make progress here in getting him to accept it, because you do not want to move in with him and find your adult kids feel unwelcome and he won’t tolerate your grandchildren visiting. It would all end then anyway with the added complication of finding somewhere to live, so worth putting some effort into it now

What @99bottlesofkombucha said.

There is a very real risk that trying to accommodate his ‘quirks’ could in time turn into walking on eggshells. You know what happened to the boiling frog, @KaitlynnFairchild …

I kind of get this. I have my own mugs and plate and certain knives and forks that I like to use, so does my husband. I don't mind using other people's crockery at their house and I'm fine with restaurants, but if we go on holiday to a self catering cottage I have to take my own crockery with me, and saucepans.

I hadn't thought about grandkids, that's a very valid point.

I've thought we will be fine living together when the kids have moved out and the dog has passed on, but actually what will happen when we have grandkids. His sisters don't bring their children round to his because he gets snappy and is clearly stressed, I wouldn't be able to bring my grandchildren round would I.

Given your latest update, there is NO WAY I would ever move in with this man.

Absolutely no way…

I used to work as a glass collector in a pub and be thr one to use the glass machine. It was totally gross. Glasses at home would be very much cleaner.
Anyway, this is obviously some sort of OCD. My DH is obsessed eith not having gaps in the curtains when theynare shut. It drives me mad but I put up with it. Theres nothing you can do to change him now.

I’m a bit like that because in restaurants cutlery is usually washed in a dishwasher.

So do you inspect the kitchens to make sure ? What would you do if there isn't a dishwasher, or it's broken ?

Sounds like a nutter to me and I couldn’t put up with it.

it is actually a form of control. Exh did similar with food, couldn’t eat Wheat, Dairy and others so I had to make everything from Scratch and I mean everything….. until one day I stood in amazement as I saw him come out of Greg’s with several paper bags (he didn’t know I was there) get in his car and demolish the lot. A very interesting conversation followed!

I actually would find this very difficult to put up. It does sound like he has some sort of undiagnosed nd and so not his fault but I don’t think this is something I would be willing to keep accommodating.
Like you, my DD is nd and she has her own quirks which I can go along with but I think it would drive me a bit bonkers in a partner!!

I have bad OCD and I spent years being the same. I do understand how it could make you feel offended but I also understand for him it’s not just a simple glass or knife and fork.

Complete bastard. I'd be furious.

No can’t say I do inspect them tbh 😂

Im a bit like that, I've never been able to use cups in my mums house (their washing up was disgusting tbf)

@Grammarninja
But it's probably about her kids.
I'm happy to kiss my boyfriend, but want to keep my glass away from his teenagers.
(So it's put out of the way and I've bought / gotten plenty of other glasses for them to use.)

So it's not just a desire to control his own surroundings, it is a desire to control other people - otherwise he wouldn't get 'snappy' at his sisters' children. He doesn't want X so nobody ELSE is allowed to do X even if it doesn't directly affect him, because he doesn't like the thought of anyone doing X.

If you ever moved in together, would you be happy living your life entirely by his rules, because that is what it would boil down to. As I said, OCD can worsen with age and, as their world shrinks, the desire to control it becomes more concentrated.

Yeah I think I have OCD which manifests in various ways and yeah it’s not logical.

I drink from glasses at partners/close friends house but I do have seperate glasses and mugs at home for non-family/non-close friends 😆 for example if a tradesman dropped in I wouldn’t give him one of my every day mugs.