To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

[KaitlynnFairchild]

My DP of 5 years brings his own cutlery and glass to my house because he doesn't like to share things. He had a glass on the bedside table in my room and it had been there for several days so I took it downstairs to wash it.

Unfortunately it is exactly the same as my glasses.

He is now refusing to use the glass because he doesn't know for sure that it is HIS glass. It is perfectly clean, I personally washed it and dried it with kitchen paper. There are no marks or smears on it.

I know he doesn't like sharing and I bite my tongue when he uses his own special cutlery from his own special pouch, but I find it offensive that he can't bring himself to use a clean glass because me or my children (teens & young adults) might have used it.

He manages to use glasses and and cutlery in restaurants/on holiday but takes a bottle of water every where we go so he doesn't have to accept drinks in other peoples houses.

He hasn't been diagnosed with any neurodiversity or mental health issues however I suspect there is something there which is why I bite my tongue usually.

When I ask about restaurants etc he says they go through an industrial super hot washer so he can just about manage that.

What do the restaurant staff say when he inspects their kitchen ?

E2A: And how can a thread involving glassware and bedside tables in AIBU not mention penis beakers ?

If he's a loving partner in every other way I could tolerate this, but I understand why it would sometimes be frustrating to be his partner. OP, you sound kind and patient.

Not sure I could deal with that particular quirk.. It's just too annoying, and it must come up so frequently! I would be wondering what will happen if/ when you ever decide to move in together. Will he then start using the same dishes, glasses, and cutlery as you, or not? Because presumably you will still have your children over for meals from time to time, if not friends. Will he still need to keep his own set of things separate from everything else? I would have a hard time too accepting that, but perhaps you can manage it.

Difficult, especially when the person may not realise they have OCD. There are resources, a GP can signpost and support. There's also medication, which was a gamechanger for me after 10 years of trying to self-manage.

I'd certainly never wash another item for him. It obviously creates too much of a problem and now you know to leave it well alone.

Does he do his own washing while he's at yours? Does he cook/clean up after himself or do anything at all to pull his weight in terms of not making extra work for you? Or does his blasé attitude toward his many 'eccentricities' extend to everything in his environment? If the latter then I really would find it impossible to respect him.

What does he do about toilets, OP? I'm sure, as others have said, he can't help it, but there has got to be easier men out there.

What a load of nonsense. He can use cutlery and glasses elsewhere.
Also no way would I be buying separate glasses. He can buy them. How does he know no one will contaminate them when he’s not there ?

So you made it more of an issue by getting offended and acting like he thinks you're "unclean" when he doesn't think that at all, it's just not HIS glass in his (ND) mind?

And he was willing to find a solution that worked without you spending money but you've still spend money?

I think you need to speak to him and say "I know you don't think you need help because it's not affecting your life. But it's starting to affect mine and the kids. I think you need to look at getting help or this is over."

It is one of the many reasons we don't live together five years into our relationship. I know how many rules he has in his house and I don't want to put my kids into that environment where they would be walking on egg shells.

He does help with cooking and washing up, he cooks more than me to be fair because he is very particular about flavours that he doesn't like whereas I will eat anything except green peppers.

He doesn't wash his clothes at mine, he can't stand the thought of his clothes going into my washing machine in-case they get a dog hair on them. (Him and the dog is a whole other thread that I just can't get into right now. He doesn't cope well with dog hair at all)

I've never noticed any issues around toilets.

OCD isn't rational
It's pointless saying "if he can kiss you, he can drink from your glasses"

That's a rational thought that kissing and drinking are sharing the same mouth and spit. Irrationally however, it's not

You are enabling his disordered behaviour.

I would be expecting him to get help/diagnosed. His life SHOULD be affected by this, stop making it your problem and make it his.

Is he going to expect to leave things lying about for days (the glass on the side) and get upset that you have cleaned it or is he going to clean up after himself promptly??

I did feel offended because by refusing to use the clean glass of course he is implying that there is something wrong with a glass my family has used.

There is no other explanation for refusing to use it.

Yes I usually accommodate things and let it go hence buying the new glasses as a peace offering because deep down I know it's not something he chooses to feel, he can't help it.

Just because you can't help something doesn't mean the people it affects can't have their own feelings about it.

I am lactose intolerant, I can't help farting if I eat dairy, I don't expect others to sniff my bum though. It stinks, I can't help it but that doesn't mean it is not impacting anyone else.

I couldn’t cope with this, it's a form of OCD and he needs help.

Well it’s up to her, but the thing that saddens me is that your children are e posed to this and I assume they’ve no choice? Will they grow up believing they are dirty?

You're very wise to keep two different homes.

That’s not normal and it sounds like a phobia type thing. I can understand when at someone else house or in a restaurant l him not enjoying using their stuff, though not that you could take your own crockery to either without looking unhinged, but to your house? I assume he’s happy to kiss you and share bodily fluids? Yet he doesn’t want to share a glass? Bonkers!

I say the above as someone who struggles to eat at peoples houses even though I know they’re clean, I can’t do it. I can eat something my DH makes though as it’s him….

I think it’s fairly clear he does have a mental illness as this is quite extreme. But I’m not sure your logic holds - plenty of people wouldn’t share a toothbrush with their other half for example, despite kissing and having sex with them. He is just taking it to a further more extreme level.

Agree, and indulging him is not helping him long term.

But there is a fine line between indulging/enabling and being understanding.

Has the behaviour escalated any in the last few years? That's how you can tell if you're enabling him and not helping him.

You should not need to justify how well you cleaned the glass by saying there was no marks on it and you dried it with kitchen paper. Most people wouldn’t give a hoot!

This man needs a couple of sessions of hypnotherapy or something to sort it out. It’s crazy he can eat from restaurants but not your cutlery! I’d lose patience unless he gets help.

Bollocks do they go through a "super washer". An industrial dishwasher has a quick wash that takes 4 mins.

He sounds like he is a walking bag of issues, and YABU to take issue with this particular one.

If you choose to stay with him and accept him as he is, this is just another irrational foible that you live with.

I couldn't do it.

Glad you are living in different houses and really hope he is bringing an amazing amount to your relationship in many many other ways. (Really, why are you with him?). As PP says: you can't choose your children, but you can choose your partner.

The more you write about him OP the more it becomes clear that his issues go much further than only drinking out of a certain glass. You say you don’t want to move into together because you can’t bear the thought of subjecting your children to his demands, but you are already doing this by acceding to his expectations of how things will be run in YOUR house. I know his quirks are driven by compulsions that he currently has no control over, but they are impacting your childrens lives and that isn’t fair on them.

I think , for all your sakes , you need to somehow persuade him that he needs help and therapy for the limits he is putting on you, your kids and your relationship . What happens if at a later date your children and their partners have babies and his compulsions start to extend to them ? You can probably lock the dog in another room when he calls round, you couldn’t do that with a baby!

He is absolutely fine in terms of sex, not an issue for him at all funnily enough, despite the fact I have children with someone else

I always wonder how such people are able to manage La Sex.

Have you asked him?

What is his logic when you ask him why he can use a glass in a hotel/restaurant that countless strangers will have used, and he has no idea what their cleaning standards are like but can’t use one only you and your kids have used and he could wash it himself at your place so that he knows it’s perfectly clean?

also if he’s happy to kiss/have sex with you why is he so repulsed by using a glass you have previously used that’s been washed in between.