Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

[Greenrun]

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

Family visits from out of country and you can't keep your mouth shut for 4 days? 🙄

You do sound judgemental @Greenrun

10 year old girls don't need to be spoken to all day long. Your comment about your husband's sister was ridiculous.

You're being two faced - you're being the best host ever to their faces while shit talking them behind their backs. There's more authentic a middle ground to be had.

OP literally said they worked equally hard for the visit

He said 'thank you' with words (after I complained that he didn't), but with an apprehensive tone, clearly because I negated every good effort by 'ruining' everything in his view. I do not feel genuine appreciation coming from him, only sulking.

It’s his mum and his sister. He loves them and doesn’t see much of them. You’ve cast a shadow on the visit with your snide comments and he is defending them ( you seem to admit they didn’t set out to be difficult or upset you).

When you have children, I expect you will be delighted if they defend you in the same way.

You were critical of his family. I can understand why he is so annoyed. I would be if I were him.

You sound really critical. I do think there needs to be some extra sensitivity when discussing someone's family, especially their mother, with them. Accusing someone of child neglect is a huge insult too.
If my DH was bitching about my family just because they got up at 6am I wouldn't be happy. I'd probably be rethinking having children with them.
You sound really dramatic too, 2 days straight cleaning? When you don't have children? You're either massively exaggerating, live in a palace or are filthy. I doubt 4 days of hosting when you have no other commitments was such a strain.
You don't come across well in your post and I think people usually come off better than they would in real life as they're only giving their version of events.

Thank you. I tried to be objective with my story in order to get the most helpful feedback. If I'd written subjectively, everyone would have been on my side. I want genuine feedback, not an outpouring of sympathy based on a distorted story. Thank you again for taking the time to comment🙏

You are right, they lived in yor house like it was their own and were inconsiderate. You needed rules about getting up etc and didn't have them in place.

I would not have said anything about the DN being neglected. She was left to her own devices and is therefore probably quite resourceful. I agree kids should be involved but often they dont want to be, so you might have read that wrongly.

Your DH is not impartial. He didn't help expected you to do the leg work and be tired. That's absolutely not fair.

Do not consider having children with him. Honestly you need to think about what's in this relationship for you. Maybe best to end it sooner rather than later - he doesn't sound like he even likes you.

I'm sending a hug - you're in such a difficult situation but you can get out.

'he doesn't sound like he even likes you' - I think I needed to hear that 🙏X

Good grief, I know the stock MN answer to everything is 'divorce your husband', but the OP said quite clearly that the workload regarding the visit was shared. It sounds like they both worked themselves into a lather about the visit, did loads more than they had to, needlessly knackered themselves out leasing to a shortage of patience, the OP ran her mouth off when she shouldn't have and the husband reacted more forcefully than he should have. In the good old days it would have meant a bit of a tense atmosphere for a few days followed by making up. Nowadays though you can post on MN and get a load of pop psychology cobblers recommending that you change the course of your life over it - it's ridiculous.

Tbh you dont come across too well based on your comments-your comments sounded pretty vile (especially the one about his sister- maybe she is knackered and you have no clue what her parenting is like usually)- do you like having a go at people just because you dont have kids and you think you would be a better parent? Please come back to this thread if/when you have your own kids.

Ok you were a bit bitchy but he's an arsehole. And taking the piss with the whole 'they aren't coming if you are here next time' bs considering it looks like you did all the work.

Are you normally the house skivy?

He didn't accept you apology and tried to turn his nuns nice response into a bad thing.

He's contemptuous. Get rid.

You sound like you dont really like him nor his fmaily- I hope someone tells him that too, he needs to hear it.

Why are you not more chill during their visit, it was only four days.

Probably because he had her doing everything.

They visited for four nights, they don’t ‘live’ there. Rules about getting up when you have guests for a short time? You sound dramatic yourself.

Where did you get that information from? OP said they did it together.

OP why did you have three sleepless nights prior to their visit?

He keeps saying she "ruined everything."

She worked really hard to prepare for their visit and cater for them. The MIL wrote her a nice thank you letter - so she didn't ruin everything for the guests.

OK she had a moan about them making noise early in the morning.. and made a comment about her SIL only speaking to the DD twice in one day

Its not ruining everything.. his complaint far exceeds the things she said. And if he's going to make sweeping judgements like that then he ought to spell out exactly what he means by "Everything". That's a pretty broad description and I'd say its gaslighting.

It sounds like OP tried hard, but found it difficult. She made two comments privately to her husband in a longer discussion and now is being told she's not allowed in her own home if they ever visit again..

Where does it say that? I must have missed as people keep saying it but she literally said at another point they both prepared equally.

Look I get where you are coming from because my DH’s family drive me nuts but live far away. You just have to grit your teeth and bare it. People are very protective of their mothers, in particular. I know my DH wouldn’t hear a bad word said about his beloved mum.

Just say sorry, you are tired, it can be hard having people staying with you. And try and move on with it. You’re never going to persuade someone that their family is annoying/neglectful.

You'd be wrong to say it's gaslighting.

Gaslighting is an actual abusive tactic, different feelings and vague descriptions are not gaslighting.

Purposefully manipulating your partner into questioning their sense of reality and sanity is.
People need to stop throwing the word around like it means nothing.

Isn't MN the home of complaining about MILs?

Sleep deprivation was actually during their stay - general stress I guess, changed sleeping arrangements.