Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

[Greenrun]

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

I think you are martiring yourself to have something to complain about. Why you clean ed the house for 2 days, how much dirt there was? You turned something that could have been nice into something very stressfull for yourself. That one is on you. Then you judge his sister and badmouth his mother. I would be upset as well, I can criticise my parents but if someone else does it I get unreasonable angry because, you know, they are mine and it hurts. Is nice you tried your best with your hosting, but your ruined it with the complaining and badlouthing. A relaxed rested host and an easygoing atmosphere would have been better in my opinion. Between me and my friends we stick it out and when they go we have a bit of a rant on the phone about in-laws, dh family and anything that anoys us. No one is hurt in the process and the emotions subside by the time they came back again we will all forget about it.

You were mean and judgey and two faced about his family who he loves and doesn’t see very often. You MIL sends you lovely messages and thinks you are great but doesn’t know you have been complaining about them behind her back. I can see why he is upset.

Yeah this. You sound two faced.

Christ! I do. And he joins in.

I think getting annoyed at his parents making noise at 6am is no big deal and completely understandable. You were a bit annoyed at being woken up.

The sister thing does sound judgey.

But I think where you are going wrong is everything you say sounds like a bit of a character assassination. For example instead of saying they are rude and inconsiderate, you could have instead said I'm sure they didn't mean to wake me up but it's a bit annoying because I'm tired. Instead of calling the sister neglectful you could have said that there is a lot going on and maybe as a family you could work to ensure the daughter is included in things.

I think it's the focus and way you are saying it.

But you have my sympathy. I know what it's like when you pour your heart into something and then feel like you have cancelled out all the good in one or two quick reactions to tiredness and annoyance

I think a really sincere apology to your DH will do the trick. Worse things happen at sea

You sound opinionated and making big deals out of minor situations. It sounds like you were pushing your husband to join you in bitching about his family and got annoyed when he didn't. It probably doesn't bode well if this was his family's first visit and you told him you thought they were rude, inconsiderate and his sister was neglectful! My family are not perfect but I would defend them anyday over someone who hardly knows them judging

I'm a bit confused what his family did "wrong" - is it just get up too early and go to bed too early for your liking? If that's all I'm inclined to think for just a few days you could have just kept your thoughts to yourself.

How was your husband with his neice? That might indicate what sort of parent he may be, rather than if he's prepared to be critical of his sister. Did her lack of active parenting have a knock on effect on you, eg. Was she looking to you to entertain her?

Does your husband pull his weight when your family visit, prepping and cleaning and so on? If so I'm not sure why he needs to be so appreciative of your efforts if it's just the norm that you both crack with the jobs when hosting.

Did he make an effort with his family once they were there or was all the hosting left to you?

I understand the element of hypocrisy in my behavior, but not entirely sure that privately mentioning my concerns to my husband instead of telling it in the face of my in laws is being 'two faced'. I was trying to be private I thought I could share anything with him. My husband's insensitivity is my main concern, not my in law's behaviour. Thank you for commenting 🙏

I get where you are coming from. My ex's parents are from abroad and when they used to visit they'd get up at 5.30am every day and clatter around downstairs like a couple of elephants then go back to bed after lunch for a nap.

I am very much not a morning person and it used to drive me up the wall. After a few days of that I was fit to be tied and my ex knew all about it.

They were otherwise lovely people but they had a routine that couldn't be changed and that was it.

I thought that.

They were not with you for very long, op, hardly worth making such a fuss.

Hosting is bloody exhausting.

been there done that for the T shirt.

however people do generally feel loyalty to their birth family and criticisms of parents in law really don’t tend to go down well, especially if both of you are tired from hosting.

i know I was pretty sensitive about my then H criticising my parents, and he was about his. Once we got a few years into the relationship and we both agreed his dad was a bit tricky and my mum really did drink too much wine then it was ok,

calling his SIL neglectful is really nuclear grade criticism though. That’s pretty much guaranteed to piss someone off. Especially as it seems they don’t live in the same country as you or speak the same language as you. Even if she was what do you want your partner to do about it?

It was thoughtless of your guests to wake you up at 6 am, but there was no need to tell DH they were rude. You could have asked DH to mention to his mum that you got woken up, and to ask them to close the kitchen door and speak quietly until 7 or 8 or whenever you wake up normally. Also you could have used earplugs after the first occasion. I can see DH would be upset about you calling them rude and criticising his sister's parenting - after all, there is nothing he or you can do about that.
Maybe neither of you find hosting family very relaxing. It's a shame you have fallen out over this.

I would be so so upset if someone called my mother rude and my sister neglectful.
I think you crossed a boundary, you don’t talk about people’s family like that when they didn’t purposely go out to upset you.
Calling them rude is really horrible.

Purposefully manipulating your partner into questioning their sense of reality and sanity is.

Saying she "ruined everything" is exactly that. She didn't ruin everything or the MIL would have complained there and then. She didn't. She sent a glowing thank you.

Everything? What does that even mean? I think the OP is questioning her sense of reality because he's constantly saying that.

OP made two mistakes, mentioned that the guests were noisy very early in the morning and her comment about SIL not saying much to her DD ( which tbf she could have left out) but its not a colossal crime. It was an observation.

I appreciate you hosted and all the effort but that doesn’t mean you can openly criticise and expect him not to be upset.

i don’t think talking in the kitchen is rude, to say his sister was neglectful is pretty bold. You don’t have to say everything you think - what benefit is that to your husband? what’s he going to do with that info apart from be upset?

you will have to grin and bare them like most of us do with in-laws, it’s only for a few days a year surely you can manage that?

its fine to be tired and abit irritable but you need to handle it better and more tactfully next time. Rant to your friends/own family about your frustrations - unless of course they are awfully behaved when I’d understand speaking to your husband about it. Get a cleaner in before they come next time, might feel less exhausting.

I mean ultimately, he couldn't accept your apology and then proceeded to attack you.
That's not a partner, it's an enemy.

A good partner knows when they've made a mistake to apologise. You did that. A good partner doesn't use a partners apology as an excuse to kick them square in their vulnerability. He did.

Not only was he not the bigger person. He attacked you when you humbled yourself. That's poor character and not a partner.

I'd leave it a long time before criticising a partner's family, but then this would be an unusual situation for many people, as people often meet their boyf's family just for a coffee first, then maybe a meal etc...but it's days of intense living with them all at once, which can be hard on everyone. I honestly don't think I've ever spent 4 continuous days with my in-laws (OR my own family since I was a kid)-even when family came round as soon as I was out the hospital after giving birth, they only stayed a few hours during the day, and even when we've gone on holidays together, we split up to do separate things, and obvs me and my partner share a room without the grandparents, so we're not continuously together.
Unless you're planning on moving, you presumably won't see that much of them anyway, so I'd just try to think about what could make it easier on you.

You were quite rude, I wouldn't have been impressed if I was your DH.

me and DP slag each others family’s off all the time, (we also state to thier face if we have any problems) more his because his brother is a grade A wanker and his wife, well not a word really to describe her. His family is mostly problematic. Only annoying person in my family is my brothers gf, she’s a mixed bag, bit Jekyll and Hyde if you will.
I certainly wouldn’t start moving stuff around in someone else’s house. No wonder you were pissed off. With some people you feel like a guest in your own home. Luckily we have no room in our house anymore for guests…

Next time don’t take days off work and spend sleepless nights cooking and cleaning. It’s his family, and his responsibility to clean up the house and look after them. You look after your family when they come. Then he’ll be the tired, irritated one. And this is what I would be saying to him too. He needs to appreciate that you did a lot for his family and consequently you were overtired and irritable and didn’t mean it. Hopefully he will be a bit more understanding.

They both prepared for the visit, it wasn't just the OP on her knees scrubbing the floors.

Could the reason they were up so early have been because they had jet lag? It can be difficult to keep lying in bed when you've been awake for a while and your body thinks it's mid-morning.

Perhaps cleaning for two days and then hosting full time made you tetchy and resentful. I know it would make me unhappy, but it's also understandable that your husband is upset by your comments. Maybe take it easy and enjoy your guests' company next time. Maybe get your husband to share the work load so that you can be more rested and relaxed.

Thank you 🙏. I didn't want my husband to do anything about it, simply wanted to see if he sees it that way too, as we're hoping to have kids together and for me that's poor treatment of a child. Of course SIL's parenting is not my business.