Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

[Greenrun]

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

I have this with my DH. We both mutter uncharitable things about my family, but I cannot say a word about his family. Double standards.

In future visit her. Without him!

Hotel, Airbnb…. You had both been cleaning for days, irritable, tired, moody….

The absolute best thing about my DH is that he is objective about his family, even if he can be a bit lax about doing anything to stand up to them.

That's why we are married for many years. Your DH does not sound like he's your friend...I would be considering my options. This is not ok.

You you dont slag off your other halfs family to your OH esp when they are only here for a short time and they have come from abroad so i guess he doesnt get to see them.

Vent to a friend next time

His family live overseas so, presumably, he doesn't see them often. It doesn't sound like they were deliberately setting out to upset you (given the lovely text message). So it might have been better to keep criticism to yourself. He probably feels quite hurt that you didn't like them.

I completely recognise this - DH’s relatives are untouchable

In this situation I’d also be angry with you, they didn’t disturb you on purpose and calling your sil neglectful is judgey as hell. You were being nice to their face and bad mouthing them first chance you got.

You are unbelievably rude about his family, I wouldn't be happy with your comments either! I can't see they did anything wrong ? You on the other hand were judging them and criticising.

I think you were very critical of his mother and sister. I don't think they've done anything much wrong. They were guests in your home so whispering bitchy comments about them because you are tired is not great hostessing.

I'm not surprised he was annoyed with you.

You were criticising his family and you’re the one who is offended?

You described his sister as neglectful to her kids! That's not just having a moan because somebody is noisy in the morning. That's being very offensive about his family. I would be annoyed with you too.

This is where my thoughts are at the moment.

I think you were rude by making it a big deal that they made noise at night, especially knowing that they were coming only for 4 nights.

Considering that they just arrived they would have been trying to organise their things and talk about the trip in excitement. Probably they didn't even realise they were making so much noise as to keep you awake.

Partners don't take well talking bad about their family especially if it's minor things. I have discussed issues with my DH but mainly about bigger problems.

I should add that I'm quite open about my family's shortcomings, in fact I have stood up for him against them several times in the past.

Why are you whispering downstairs the moment they go up?! Your poor husband. He must feel exhausted by your criticisms.

Whispering in general conversation to not wake up the guests as they are going to sleep.

But you’re complaining as soon as they leave - don’t you see how that’s really oppressive for your husband? He must be on eggshells for your next complaint.

This

You do sound overly critical and judgemental. Maybe they had jet lag and were up early. Hosting is always challenging and difficult especially when you don’t speak the same language. Some things you can just think to yourself or bitch to your friends about, no need to complain to your DH about his mum and sister.

It sounds as if you’re feeling unappreciated for the effort you put in to hosting his family. Has he even said thank you?
If you were exhausted from doing everything (perhaps as DH sounds like he was doing very little) then it’s no wonder that you wanted to vent. If the relationship is solid then that would usually be ok, but it sounds like it’s not. Certainly not equitable.
Are you sure you want to have kids with this man? He’s awful to you and you’re apologising to him?

I was whispering in general conversation with my husband to not wake up the guests. We had peaceful chats downstairs (me and husband) after the guests went to sleep. I made sure we both whispered to not wake up the guests. In comparison, the guests didn't make any effort to keep their voice down. I know they didn't do it on purpose as I said in my original post.

After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away.

Result!

well there’s sort of an unwritten rule not to complain to your OH about the in-laws, no good can come of it.

That said, you shouldn’t have been the one doing all the prep work. Why didnt he do it? who cleans before your family arrive?

Sorry op but I get where your OH is coming from and I understand why he’s annoyed. He rarely sees his family and your remarks, however you intended them, came across like you were bitching about them and you were also doing it while they were still in the house. You took the shine off the visit for him and because you were moaning behind their back and he knew this, he then felt that you were being fake to their faces. You need to apologise.
The moaning you were doing was about trivial stuff (apart from accusing his sister of basically being a shit mum!!) , it’s the stuff you have a moan to your friends about after the visit over a glass of wine, not to your partner while they were still in the house! I think you were out of order.

Hosting is always a chore, guests will always do things different to you, being up at 6 and chatting in the kitchen is normal in lots of houses, mine included, you just bite your tongue as you invited them, or you don’t host.