Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

[Greenrun]

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

And did you give ( or at least offer) her a snack?

But I really meant did you engage her in conversation on the group walk? Because a good way to get to understand children better is to ask them about themselves 😄

They were moving chairs around, so there was no intrusion about arrangements, but it was noisy enough to wake me up at the other end of the house through earplugs. This was on the third day, by then they had a sense of how sound moves around the house.

He’s taking it too far but you shouldn’t slam the family, especially as it’s a total one off and they aren’t likely to be visiting lots.
I look back on the arguments I had with my ex husband about our families and I honestly wish we hadn’t , it’s one major regret / learning curve since being divorced .
He’ll get over it but just don’t comment or run them down . You put in loads of effort and he should take that In to account.

You were being very 2 faced i dont like the tone of your post and I suspect there's more to this and your hubby should run for the hills

Thank you for commenting. I did. In fact, she's the only one who speaks English more or less enough to have a conversation. I'd known this girl for 7 years and I make an effort with her each time we visit them. Although I'm not sure how any of this is relevant to the conversation. Before they left, she carved the word 'STAY' into our thick carpet with her fingers. I will leave this open to interpretation.

Interesting how you only interact with the posts that agree with you. You were quite rude about his family.

He sounds like a drama llama to be honest 😂 I can see my families issues just like he can see his and we discuss them.

Not to be nasty but to talk about it 🤷🏼‍♀️ that’s exactly what you should do with your partner cos you are a team

His comments are vile. Do you really want kids with this man?

She didn't do all the work, they both were cleaning tge house, together. She just didn't bother to mention his contributions in the initial post, most likely to make herself seem more sympathetic.

Well presumably he loves his family and you were slagging them off:

next time moan to a friend:

he should be appreciative for all the work you did hosting of course, but that doesn’t give you license to bitch about people he loves.

How did they do anything like that? Because they got up early? Before op gave them permission?

Don't have a child with this man

Exactly this yabu thats his family who he barely sees.

They didnt do anything wrong were just a bit loud in the morning . You also dont know why his sister didnt speak to her daughter much that day.
You chose to break your back cleaning and hosting. I wouldnt have gone to those lengths of a three day clean. Thats on you.
I think you are being irrational tbh.

I agree, it seems that every time they were out of earshot the op was slagging them off. It’s no wonder he was fed up!

@Greenrun

You are only responding to posts that agree with you and it's quite interesting to watch.

The relevance of people commenting / asking questions about the 7 year old is because honestly for someone who has not yet even had the experience of a 7 year old, you really ran your mouth there.

Children get deregulated in new environments / after travel / out of school routine - so many things. How bold are you to judge your SIL on her parenting after a tiny snap shot into their life?

Then it gets worse. Your in laws have travelled to see you. To spend time with you and your DH. Your DH was probably really looking forward to seeing them and giving them some insight into his life. All you have done is moan and complain at him about the tiniest of infractions.

Moving chairs, not knowing how sound carries in the house - honestly, are these your concerns?

It was FOUR DAYS. My relatives are in different countries and due to distance, cost, logistics etc they stay for 2 WEEKS when they come.

Of course having visitors changes the normality of your day to day life and there will be bruises and rubbing against each other along the way but honestly, you really need to get some perspective.

This is your DH's family of origin - their relationship with him predates your entire existence in his life. Could you not just have absorbed this for 4 days?

All you have done is moan and complain.

You have a lovely MIL who clearly is wise and trying to make a great relationship with you and it almost seems like you are determined to ruin it and your marriage based on people moving chairs around before the appointed hour.

You are cherry picking the advice you are getting, it's quite fascinating. If you don't like him and his family just say that.

I feel sorry for your DH.

I commented on her parenting because we're hoping to have kids and I wanted to gauge whether he'd be inclined to treat our child the same way too.

So it was a test of his parenting instincts? What do you think now? Do you think he is going to treat child the same way too?

What is the action plan?

How bold are you to judge your SIL on her parenting after a tiny snap shot into their life?

This. And this judging could not wait a little longer for them to leave when you criticised them to him while they were still at your place, making your husband on edge while he was still hosting his family.

You say visit was success for the guests but what about your dh? He could not have that joyful time with them as you were nitpicking his family’s behaviour. Be it them talking loudly in the morning or moving chairs or your SIL’s parenting.
In your op, you say you wanted empathy from tour husband that guests were not considerate and their behaviour was not too nice. But there is nothing wrong with their behaviour. Maybe they didn’t realise they were loud or the chairs made high noise but nothing wrong with their behaviour.

I would have expected him to be the 'bridge' and smooth over differences, yet he made me feel like his family could do no wrong.

What differences you wanted him to smoothe? His sister’s parenting? Or telling his mother and sister to be quiet and don’t move chairs? Was it one morning or on all days?

Why couldn’t you sleep 3 nights because of the noise they were creating? Were they creating night in the night as well? I may be wrong but some people are nitpickers, and you come across as one of them as the problematic behaviour examples you have given were not worth slagging them off.

So just spending 4 days with the girl, you concluded you were more concerned about her than her mother? 10 year old can be moody, difficult and wanting to spend time on screen, there could be a number of reasons they were not talking.

About child feeling hungry, maybe mother didn’t realise in the moment and you taking a position of a perfectionist super hostess who spent 2 days cleaning, and 3 sleepless nights even before they arrived over stress due to changed sleeping arrangements for a 4 day visit, used your hyper focussed lenses to see mother is neglectful. At least you could have waited for them to leave before starting with your complaints?

Did you want your dh to agree with you how neglectful his sister is to her child? Is that what you mean by empathy? Maybe she isn’t and you don’t know her very well as a mother and decide to give your opinions. He is upset because you couldn’t tolerate them for 4 days for his sake.

Why are people always trying to minimise a woman's experience and gaslight her into doubting her own eyes and experience. She was there. Not you. And she has known this girl for SEVEN YEARS. I think she knows what she is talking about.