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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

267 replies

Greenrun · 10/08/2025 17:03

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenrun · 10/08/2025 22:20

Missanimosity · 10/08/2025 20:50

I think you are martiring yourself to have something to complain about. Why you clean ed the house for 2 days, how much dirt there was? You turned something that could have been nice into something very stressfull for yourself. That one is on you. Then you judge his sister and badmouth his mother. I would be upset as well, I can criticise my parents but if someone else does it I get unreasonable angry because, you know, they are mine and it hurts. Is nice you tried your best with your hosting, but your ruined it with the complaining and badlouthing. A relaxed rested host and an easygoing atmosphere would have been better in my opinion. Between me and my friends we stick it out and when they go we have a bit of a rant on the phone about in-laws, dh family and anything that anoys us. No one is hurt in the process and the emotions subside by the time they came back again we will all forget about it.

Thank you. To be fair my husband was the one who wanted everything impeccable in the house and the garden and I wanted him to be happy. I think he also made it more exhausting than it needed to be, just one example: I suggested a restaurant for the last evening and he wanted a BBQ at home which was more work for us. I went along, it's his family after all, I wanted them to be happy.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/08/2025 22:21

I understand your frustration but you need to not comment on his family to him. Do it to a friend after they’ve gone home if you need to, but otherwise keep your mouth shut. By bitching about them to him you’re forcing him to choose between you. You don’t see them often. Just suck it up.

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 10/08/2025 22:30

Greenrun · 10/08/2025 22:20

Thank you. To be fair my husband was the one who wanted everything impeccable in the house and the garden and I wanted him to be happy. I think he also made it more exhausting than it needed to be, just one example: I suggested a restaurant for the last evening and he wanted a BBQ at home which was more work for us. I went along, it's his family after all, I wanted them to be happy.

Show quote history

Why was your DH so controlling about this whole visit? Surely it’s normal to discuss worries and concerns. The replies on this thread are very bizarre. I don’t know anyone who would have just kept quiet, you sound like you’ve gone above abc beyond

abouttogetlynched · 10/08/2025 22:32

I only voted that you are BU because it sounds like you’re doing all the fussing and fannying about for his family - surely he should and could be doing it! You’ve set the expectation here that all the hosting and preparation falls to you - but why should it?
Perhaps you wouldn’t have felt so annoyed if you hadn’t put in the amount of effort to cater to them… effort that should’ve fallen to your DH

ThatBlackCat · 10/08/2025 22:37

I'd be furious with him and make him sleep on the sofa. I really would. I would only make dinner for me, and do only my washing and tell him it will remain like that until he wholly and unreservedly apologises to you. And, I'd tell him that you are genuinely asking yourself if you actually want to have children with him.

DON'T let him get away with this, do not let it slide!! and certainly no 'affection' until he has wholly and unreservedly apologised.

Original poster
Greenrun · 10/08/2025 22:39

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 10/08/2025 22:30

Why was your DH so controlling about this whole visit? Surely it’s normal to discuss worries and concerns. The replies on this thread are very bizarre. I don’t know anyone who would have just kept quiet, you sound like you’ve gone above abc beyond

Show quote history

I felt he was very eager to please his family and maybe even show we have a 'perfect' life, which nobody does. Maybe he was worried I would ruin the impression. I also tried to point out to him that his family also stressed him out, not just me, but he flat out rejected that. Thank you for commenting 🙏

OP posts:
PinkCampervan · 10/08/2025 22:41

Don't have children with this arsehole. Leave him and find someone who is a) nice and b) not a mummy's boy. You need to come first in your marriage (and any DC), not his mother.

whitewineandsun · 10/08/2025 22:50

Do you two even like each other? It doesn't sound like it.

Rosegoldy · 10/08/2025 22:51

I really don't think he genuinely likes you.
His need to appear like life is perfect is seriously weird and not normal nor healthy.
His nasty distain for you will be brutal if you had a child and found it challenging.
Having a moan/ vent/ irrational bitch is part of a marriage where you listen and nod with sympathy.
Not make your partner feel like shit.

Do not have children with him.
He's insecure and nasty.
He's not on your team.

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 10/08/2025 22:53

I think men are pure shite in general but complaining about them as they leave the room etc when they’re clearly only here for a short time is harsh IMO. I would just suck it up, clearly different cultures so I doubt they meant any offence. His behaviour after is worrying though if you’ve apologised already.

MCF86 · 10/08/2025 22:54

why does you not sleeping for 3 nights have anything to do with them, they were going to bed first so that can't be their fault?

MrsBlobby64 · 10/08/2025 22:55

Run for the hills.. he sounds horrible.

Original poster
Greenrun · 10/08/2025 22:56

Sodthesystem · 10/08/2025 20:19

Ok you were a bit bitchy but he's an arsehole. And taking the piss with the whole 'they aren't coming if you are here next time' bs considering it looks like you did all the work.

Are you normally the house skivy?

He didn't accept you apology and tried to turn his nuns nice response into a bad thing.

He's contemptuous. Get rid.

Yes, his remark about his mom's message full of praise was particularly shocking - she only says nice things because she doesn't know me. She's seen me for 4 days in a row in my own house and has known me for 7 years, although of course superficially, plus language barrier, etc. Thank you for commenting 🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenrun · 10/08/2025 22:59

whitewineandsun · 10/08/2025 22:50

Do you two even like each other? It doesn't sound like it.

Wow, this is sobering 🙏

OP posts:
MavisandHetty · 10/08/2025 23:04

You both sound extremely sensitive: to criticism (yours of his family, you of yourself).

You also sound like you don’t have the measure of his relationship with his family.

Finally, you both sound like neither of you has fully appreciated what living together as a married couple means. They’re not “guests” as you keep referring to them; they’re his family. Yes they’re guests in the sense that they don’t live with you in your house on a permanent basis. But they’re his mum and sister. His family. They’re part of your unit. You don’t need to go over word with cleaning and stress and sleepless nights. It doesn’t have to be perfect. And you have to take them as they come, neglectful or not, loud or not, considerate or not. If you don’t like it, you have to thrash it out with your DH (as it happens they sound like decent visitors: were they jet lagged to be up at 6am?).

You both just need to chill. Take a few steps back, and both wind your necks in a bit. Having your nice and lovely MIL and SIL round for 4 days shouldn’t cause this much stress and lead to a fallout like this. It’s totally weird.

MyLittleNest · 10/08/2025 23:11

To be fair, most people probably wouldn't react well to you complaining about their family each night after they'd gone to bed, regardless of the behaviour leading up to it. BUT....

There is a much bigger problem here. Your husband's reaction wasn't just to lash out at you, but to show that he can be so loyal to some of his family (mother and sister) but not others (you.) He is being highly unfair in saying that his mother didn't really mean the nice things she said, just as he is being totally ungrateful for the time and effort you put into making their visit nice. He is overreacting and being mean, and it doesn't seem like he is even considering the damage he is doing to the relationship.

They were guests in your home and they were being loud and inconsiderate. So you said something to him. Your comment about your niece sounds like it came from concern. Again, an observation. He is clearly overly defensive of his mother and sister while so easily offending you.

You didn't "attack" his family, but I feel he has taken it to the point of attacking you by making you out to be a villain. Your husband has made all of this much worse than it needs to be.

What I can tell you is that it's not an isolated event. It's his attitude.

I have run into this type of thing with my DH. I can complain about my family and he will chime in, but if I breathe anything remotely negative about his (literally stating facts, not actually criticizing or complaining) he goes nothing short of ballistic. It has put an enormous strain on our relationship and his kneejerk reaction to constantly defend his family (regardless of their behaviour) while putting me down in the process has led to me choosing to have no relationship with his family at all. I feel like if I do, I am in a lose-lose situation of putting myself out for people and for him to somehow find fault with me for doing so.

I'd think long and hard about whether you want to stay in this marriage before you have children and it's more difficult to get out of it. This isn't about a visit with his parents or even your comments. This is about his willingness to disrespect you while holding his other family on a pedestal. He should be able to treat everyone in his family well, you included.

At the very least, I'd never let them stay over again....NOT because of how they behaved, but because of how your husband did.

Original poster
Greenrun · 10/08/2025 23:20

MyLittleNest · 10/08/2025 23:11

To be fair, most people probably wouldn't react well to you complaining about their family each night after they'd gone to bed, regardless of the behaviour leading up to it. BUT....

There is a much bigger problem here. Your husband's reaction wasn't just to lash out at you, but to show that he can be so loyal to some of his family (mother and sister) but not others (you.) He is being highly unfair in saying that his mother didn't really mean the nice things she said, just as he is being totally ungrateful for the time and effort you put into making their visit nice. He is overreacting and being mean, and it doesn't seem like he is even considering the damage he is doing to the relationship.

They were guests in your home and they were being loud and inconsiderate. So you said something to him. Your comment about your niece sounds like it came from concern. Again, an observation. He is clearly overly defensive of his mother and sister while so easily offending you.

You didn't "attack" his family, but I feel he has taken it to the point of attacking you by making you out to be a villain. Your husband has made all of this much worse than it needs to be.

What I can tell you is that it's not an isolated event. It's his attitude.

I have run into this type of thing with my DH. I can complain about my family and he will chime in, but if I breathe anything remotely negative about his (literally stating facts, not actually criticizing or complaining) he goes nothing short of ballistic. It has put an enormous strain on our relationship and his kneejerk reaction to constantly defend his family (regardless of their behaviour) while putting me down in the process has led to me choosing to have no relationship with his family at all. I feel like if I do, I am in a lose-lose situation of putting myself out for people and for him to somehow find fault with me for doing so.

I'd think long and hard about whether you want to stay in this marriage before you have children and it's more difficult to get out of it. This isn't about a visit with his parents or even your comments. This is about his willingness to disrespect you while holding his other family on a pedestal. He should be able to treat everyone in his family well, you included.

At the very least, I'd never let them stay over again....NOT because of how they behaved, but because of how your husband did.

Thank you for your caring words and sharing your own experience 🙏 (I clarified it earlier in the thread - I whispered to not wake up the guests, not to complain about them. My original post was a bit unclear on that point.) Sadly, you're absolutely right that this is not an isolated event.

OP posts:
Helen483 · 10/08/2025 23:22

TheRealGoose · 10/08/2025 17:19

In this situation I’d also be angry with you, they didn’t disturb you on purpose and calling your sil neglectful is judgey as hell. You were being nice to their face and bad mouthing them first chance you got.

This.
You were way out of line with your comments and your judgements.

BUT

You have a husband problem. He shouldn't be speaking to you like that.
However next time they come he can pay for them to stay in a hotel or BnB.

Edited to say @MyLittleNest has said it much better than I did 👍

Franjipanl8r · 10/08/2025 23:27

Your husband sounds like a petulant child. Me and DH always have a little grumble about hosting family - it’s really hard work! His comments were nasty, I wouldn’t want children with someone like that.

heroinechic · 10/08/2025 23:32

Isn’t this easily solved? Apologise for slagging his family off, and don’t slag them off again. It sounds like their behaviour was irritating for you but it wasn’t anything extreme.

Is your relationship usually happy?

aneelli · 10/08/2025 23:33

Wow you were rude towards his family, upon meeting his mum or her staying with you the first time, you couldn’t give them abit of grace?!. Your complaints are ridiculous, 4 days, bare with it! N he’s right, who are you to judge the sisters parenting with her daughter. You have no idea about motherhood. Ur husband should really consider long n hard before committing to having children with you

ThreenagerCentral · 10/08/2025 23:35

You’re working really hard to host his family, what’s he doing? Did he also clean for two days? If not then he can F off. You have a right to be tired and say what you think.

Original poster
Greenrun · 10/08/2025 23:38

heroinechic · 10/08/2025 23:32

Isn’t this easily solved? Apologise for slagging his family off, and don’t slag them off again. It sounds like their behaviour was irritating for you but it wasn’t anything extreme.

Is your relationship usually happy?

I apologised already, but that didn't stop him sulking. He was still offended and didn't acknowledge that I was also offended. Happiness has been declining if I'm honest - I feel like he wants me just to swallow all my negative emotions. It appears to me that that kind of repression is how they cope in his family and I guess he expects me to do the same. Thank you for commenting 🙏

OP posts:
YourUglySister · 10/08/2025 23:46

It’s tricky. They may not be perfect but they’re his family and he loves them and presumably doesn’t see them often as they live abroad. He probably feels a bit hurt and defensive on their behalf. Understandably you were tired and probably a bit grouchy after putting so much effort into their visit but I think it’s a mistake to criticise each other’s families unless absolutely necessary. Loyalties can are very complex and emotion based and don’t always go the way you’d expect.

Pleasehelp200 · 10/08/2025 23:49

I do think the general rule is that someone can complain of their own family, but it's very rarely acceptable to complain of a partner's family. As a general rule of thumb. I think it comes down to the fact that most of us deep down want to have a good relationship with our family and so it's a red flag if someone looks to be very comfortable talking badly about them or potentially creating conflict.