Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

[Greenrun]

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

OP, cleaning and prepping for a family visit in advance does sounds really stressful. And if you don't know then very well, I can imagine it being hard to relax. From what you have said, you sound quite critical and judgemental of your in-laws. I really suggest thinking about whether there was scope for you to approach this situation differently as well as reflecting on your in-laws behaviour.

My husband did a lot of cleaning and prep too, it was equal, we both worked hard.

You do sound very critical and judgemental.

I’d be especially upset about the neglectful parent comment.

I believe the unspoken rule is that people can speak negatively about their own parents and you can sympathise, but you can’t just come out with these things yourself. It’s hurtful when someone speaks about your family, even if what they’re saying is true. Some people won’t mind but they have to give you permission. That would usually be when they’ve put you both through the mills for years!

yeah I'd get that in writing.

You sound hard work. Your in laws sound fine. From how you're posting I'm assuming you banged on and on about how rude and inconsiderate they were to be simply awake and talking. It isn't a major crime. I dont think you are the superhost you think you are...

Being unappreciated is exactly what hurts me, yes I made some comments that in hindsight I should have kept for myself, but the visit was a success overall for the guests, so I would have expected him to see both sides of the coin - but he only sees his own hurt and doesn't even acknowledge my effort and the fact that he hurt me as well. He keeps saying I ruined everything.

Hopefully you're not still considering having children with him....

But you were judging.

You yourself said it was inconsiderate rather than deliberately being difficult. You yourself have said that you started whispering the minute they left the room.

It is hard having people in your house - especially ones you don’t converse the same language with.

But his family came from abroad - he doesn’t see them much - and it wouldn’t have hurt you to event to a friend instead of him every time they were out of sight.

You sound hardwork and rather unpleasant I dont see this marriage lasting.

I was a bit unclear in my post: I whispered to not wake up the guests, not to complain about them.

You had feelings @Greenrun feelings make a lot of people feel incredibly uncomfortable and they will advocate for you never to express them. Your husband sounds like one of these people. Can I strongly suggest that you don’t live your life with people who do not allow you to express any negative feelings, they are utterly exhausting to be around.

This is another post where the OP needs to understand their part in this. OP you said you didn’t sleep for three nights and worked hard putting your soul into their visit and cleaning for days. This is extreme . By this point I can almost guarantee you were tired grumpy and not behaving like yourself. You got annoyed about their visit (they were up early - were they jet lagged????) and made negative comments but don’t say anything nice about them.

Your OH was right. They didn’t see the real you as clearly you put on a front but to him he saw the extreme measures and no sleeping etc.

Now you are disproportionately angry with your OH because he won’t agree with you. Take a state back and think about why this all happened.

This.

PIL would tell us when they were visiting, it was a PITA and never convenient with a young DC and full time work, but I wouldn’t dream of criticising like you did, just as i wouldn’t be happy if he did it about my family.

You are only jumping in and quoting the few posts that agree with you, but the family did nothing wrong, you on the other hand were critical and unwelcoming.

I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to acknowledge the ‘effort’, as you clearly begrudge it! He must be deeply hurt to hear you talk like that about his beloved family members, no wonder he doesn’t want to praise you for cleaning and tidying etc.

All of that.

You can have a bit of a complain about your in-laws with your spouse, if they're a reasonably constant presence and you all know each other well.
But this visit by family members he hardly sees, will have meant a lot to him, @Greenrun . And it was only for a few days. Yet every day you managed to have a moan about their behaviour. Of course he was hurt. Could you really not keep your mouth shut for four days?

It’s stressful hosting. We all judge and say irrational things because we’re all wrecked (from someone cleaning prior to hosting next week). You both need to just get a bit of sleep

ps a few days in someone else’s house is rarely indicative of someone’s parenting- everyone is either wrecked, acting or in their own world

I think you were rude (perhaps understandably, but still). I’d be unhappy if my DP criticised my family if they were visiting us. It’s supposed to be lovely, special, happy time, but complaining about them, especially when we’re only there for 4 days was unnecessary. I’m guessing your DH thinks you’ve ruined that time by saying negative things about the people he loves.

I appreciate every viewpoint 🙏 It's all helpful for me thank you. I'm trying to jump in to add relevant information.

It sounds like you spent the four days criticising his family behind their backs, whilst being nice and pleasant to their faces. It's false - and disrespectful in itself tbh. I generally think less of people who behave like this. Perhaps that's how your husband feels.

I didn't read much beyond the first paragraph.

Why on earth isn't your husband setting up the house and buying the birthday cake for his family to come and visit.

Why are you doing it all.

I just don't think it's appropriate to criticize each other's mothers and family.

One day, you'll be on the receiving end of it perhaps and you'd hope your children stood up for you and not let their partners run you down.

Next time, just let him do it all.

Honestly, I would apologise to your dh for criticising his family. In some relationships this is ok. Me and my dh can criticise one another's family gently, but we're careful not to to be overly mean.

Sounds like, for whatever reason your husband isn't open to this kind of dialogue. Only you can decide if this is a huge problem for you. Before having kids I would suggest some couples therapy though. Mismatched expectations around family can be a marriage killer!

In terms of them visiting again, as others have said, take him at his word. Cleaning and prepping this much sounds stressful. Let him do it for his family and make yourself scarce. Go stay with your own friends/family.

It's not a long term solution and not something I would like in my relationship, but dont let him browboat you into staying, doing a lot of the hosting work and then feeling like you have to be a stepford wife the whole time. If house guests are going to irritate (and let's be honest - they always do a little bit) and you can't let off steam to your dh, then dont be there. Voila - problem solved!

He's saying you ruined everything because you DID ruin everything. I'd be so upset in your DH's position.
His family come over, presumably he doesn't get to see them very often, they on the whole are good guests (not perfect, but who is?) and yet you want to spend their short visit bitching behind their backs.
Thats his family! You are the one being negative, you are the one who has put a dampener on the visit. You owe him a massive apology

This reads like you’ve gone into the visit as if it’s an episode of “Four in a Bed” where you prepare relentlessly for your formal unknown guests, judge them cattily on their behaviour, and bitch about them with your co-host.

Except actually they weren’t formal unknown guests, they were family, and the person you bitched to was looking forward to spending time with his mother and sister, and had hoped and expected that his wife would engage positively with his loved ones.

OP you can’t control other people and how they behave, and you have to relax a bit whilst hosting family and just go with the flow, read the room, understand that a lovely family visit isn’t one where everyone is on their best behaviour but the time together is an investment in your relationship.

It sounds like they were up early because they couldn’t sleep- maybe jet lag, maybe because the room was not set up for comfort. Did you ask them why they were moving the furniture? were they actually just moving a kitchen chair out from under the table and didn’t know how sound would carry? Perhaps they were going to bed early because it was exhausting being around you and they couldn’t relax? And then you immediately start nitpicking about them to your husband rather than asking if they seemed ok / were having a nice time. What a horrible experience for your husband.

I didn't read much beyond the first paragraph
Maybe you should have asked, or not assumed.
Both prepped for the visit.

The husband sounds like a toxic, gaslighting prick, so yes, let's hope OP gets away from him. Without introducing any kids into the shitshow.

It sounds to me like you definitely don't live in the country he's from?
Do you live where you're from and if so do you see your family on any type of regular basis.
I think this matters as if he's giving up regular relations with his family while you're not you need to be more forgiving when you then do spend time with his family.

And in any case I think you were rude and calling his sister neglectful to her kids is actually so mean. Like what's he supposed to do with that, laugh and say ha ha yeah she totally is, look at her neglect my niblings how funny or is he supposed to talk to her based on your few days with her? It's a big word to throw around.