Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

[Greenrun]

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

How is he gaslighting her? Having a different experience of a situation is not gaslighting.

OP, you were tired and cranky privately.
He has used this as an opportunity to put you down and be nasty.

Do not rush into having children with him when he is so obviously setbon punishing you for any criticism of his family.

I doubt this is in isolation.

International families are tricky. He doesn’t see his family for long stretches then when he does, it’s stressful and intense. It’s a similar dynamic with us. Just reign in the bitching if it upsets him.

They sound like they were nice guests. Your husband loves them and he doesn't get to live in the same country as them. He must have been so excited to have them stay and then your criticising hurt his feelings.

I'm not surprised he's upset. When will he see them again?

In the nicest way op, you can think somebody is rude and just not mention it, especially when it’s clearly an important visit to your DH. The time to complain would have been to a sibling or friend, not the person who was raised by the woman you are criticising. Or you could have just kept it in.

We both live in countries away from our families and we both see them about twice a year.

@TryingAgainAgainAgain that’s your contribution to this whole thread?! Do you actually know what gaslighting means because in nothing the OP has said is there anything that indicates gaslighting! Very odd post.

It sounds like a cultural thing. You say you don’t speak the sane language Is he from a culture where extended family often lives together or are all very close? Where no one can criticise the older generations

On the bright side OP, your H is clearly a man of integrity in refusing to allow his mum and sister to be bad mouthed by his wife, and isn't the sort of limp lettuce who agrees passively for an easy life. That sort of loyalty is worth something and you may be glad of it one day. I think you need to separate all you did from what you said, as the first doesn't give you free pass for the second. If you feel you did too much and your H didn't pull his weight then that's an entirely different conversation, it's not your mitigation.

The unwritten rule of life is that no one can slate your family but you.

So you were mistaken to criticise them; especially about SIL being a bad mum - yikes!!! That will bite you in the bum if you ever have kids.

However, that sulking and choice of words would majorly piss me off. He can tell you he doesn't like your negativity but saying you ruined everything is really * annoying!

Fair enough that does change it slightly in that I don't think you should need tk give any more grace than he does.
However you also might just noth have different limits when it comes to your families and that's fine and valid.

And I still think your comments were over the top and out of order.

I'm just pleased that you are not tied to this man by joint children. You can decide whether you want to be tied to him by marriage, or you can decide not to be. Clean break.

I'm not fully clear on what it is they did wrong. You say you provided a cake etc and they said thank you and that you were great.

I don't really see why you needed to start whispering insults about them to your husband as soon as they went to bed. He loves them. It puts him in an awkward position.

How would you feel if he whispered critical remarks about your mum while she was staying?

Unless they've done something awful you haven't mentioned I don't think it is great that you kept slagging them off. He should've been helping you host them and clean, cook etc obviously.

Just don't invite them again. Visit them or they can sleep in a hotel.

EXACTLY. He doesn't seem to appreciate all you did to welcome them and make them comfortable. (It sounds like you went above and beyond with the birthday arrangements etc. Your MIL seems to be appreciative. How is your relationship with your SIL?)
Worse, when you gently voiced your valid concerns during their stay, he dismissed you altogether. In fact, his response sounds downright abusive. I'm sure you were both exhausted but I notice YOU didn't get angry and sulky, only HIM. There's no excuse for him to behave like this to you!
Please think about the bigger picture going forward. Do you really want to have kids with someone who clearly cannot except ANY criticism of his family, particularly when warranted. Remember, it's YOUR home too. Please don't let him diminish you any further... Look after yourself x

You seem to be seeing MIL's effusive text after leaving as proof you're a great DIL - it's actually proof she's a great MIL. I suspect DH is hurt that she's so generous to you and you've been so ungenerous about her.

And the comment on SIL's parenting was absolutely unnecessary. How on earth does wanting to have kids yourself one day justify you criticising someone else's parenting??

I do get the work that goes into hosting but I do think your comments were not really necessary. It’s your DH’s family, they’ve come from overseas and for only 4 days. So it’s a chance to make the best of the time you have with them. But you are complaining about quite minor things eg a bit of noise in the morning and criticising parenting when you don’t have children. You keep referring to them as ‘guests’ and I get that but they are also your DH’s family in your joint home. And you are complaining about them while they are actually there, it’s like making a snide remark behind the back of your hand in front of someone. You made it very clear to your DH that his family’s visit was problematic for you so I’m not surprised he’s not thanking you.

He'll be especially annoyed you've been slagging his mum and sister off behind their back to him and they're singing your praises. He probably sees you as deceitful and will be wondering what you say behind his back.

As far as I can see from your OP, they didn't do anything wrong except get up early (jetlag?) and make some noise. If he only sees them rarely and this is the first time you hosted they would be due a little grace instead of what sounds like nitpicking and judgement behind their backs. How do you react when he critiques your family?

It's not a culture where generations usually live together. To the extent that the challenges are cultural, I would have expected him to be the 'bridge' and smooth over differences, yet he made me feel like his family could do no wrong, but I was in the wrong all the time. That didn't change with MIL's grateful message after the visit.

I think you completely overextended yourself so much that you didn't sleep, and were grouchy about their pretty normal behaviour.
I think you all sound OTT tbh.

I agree MIL is lovely and always has been.

Look CLOSER. Read between the lines here. He was happy for her to do ALL the work but went berserk because he couldn't cope with hearing anything about his family that felt like criticism. Then accused her of ruining everything. Classic tantrum from an obvious man-child.

Sorry but who bosots someone and starts re arranging their furniture!!?? I'd of been bloody rude too and said wtf are you doing. I think op has done nothing wrong

Thank you. I have no problem with SIL, I honestly feel she's neglecting that child and I have seen this process for the past 7 years, it wasn't a rush judgment, but it was the first time I saw it over a 4 day period and first time I mentioned it to my husband. I have nothing against SIL, apart from hardly talking to that little girl. (I know it's not my business, but my husband's blindness to it makes me concerned) X

Yes, let's look closer at OPs behaviour.

But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them.
I got very upset
I got really angry
I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter

Imagine being so spiteful and two faced about your in-laws you only see twice a year, outloud to your husband, whilst his family are still in the house. So what she ordered a cake and sent a text message. They both equally prepped the house. There was no need for this at all.

I’d also be upset with you