Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

[Greenrun]

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

Like others have said, you only interact with posters who take your side. You appear judgemental, inflexible and were rude to your husband's family by pretending to like them and then bitching about them behind their backs. They moved furniture around, so what? They are guests from overseas you don't see too often. The fact that you are inflexible and think you're always right becomes clear from your reaction to those who disagree with you: you ignore those comments that state you're wrong.

You slagged off his mother and called his sister a shit parent yet you're hurt beyond words that he's pissed off with you? You can't judge her parenting based on seeing her for a couple of days-10 year olds can be antisocial little shits sometimes

I’m struck by how tolerant many people are reading this. Like OP I would find it very annoying to have noise in my home at 6am. We don’t allow it within our family.

I also often have a private moan or chat to my DH about things . It’s good to be able to get it off your chest rather than simmer.

A family member ignoring a child over 4 days is significant and we have discussed things like this about both of our families when they have stayed .

Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem.

He was claiming not to have heard the loud conversation and furniture moving at 6am, and made it all OP’s fault. That’s classic gaslighting.

No it isn't
Saying that that didn't happen qnd you must have made it up or you're going crazy would be.
Not having heard something is not gaslighting!
I had visitors a few weeks ago. One of them woke up from a car alarm and was amazed the rest of us didn't hear it. We didn't hear the alarm. That's not gaslighting.
I'll say it again for the people I'm the back
Different experiences of a situation is not gaslighting

I am surprised at how many people are against you OP.
It sounds like you went above and beyond to make the visit special for them all.
It is rude to get up at 6am in someone else’s home and make a noise. You were justified to share that with your husband who is supposed to be on your team. He should have offered to speak with them or at the very least acknowledged your feelings.

It is weird to only speak to your own daughter twice in a day, I would probably have also mentioned this to my DH but we are both very objective about both of our families.

You made two justified comments in four days. His reaction is over the top and unkind. He puts his family above you. It doesn’t sound like he has your back. At least you have that information now.

@ThatBlackCat if you were to come and spend 4 days with my DC as a short term holiday visit that is already layered with nuance and expectation and lots of preparation and unsaid expectations, I can categorically tell you that you may leave without any credible / accurate sense of my parenting style, my emotional connection with them, my values, my ethos, my normal routine.

This will be because having visitors is always going to mean we need to be more flexible, especially if the visitors are coming from abroad / are a different age group / have had a long journey etc.

It's summer holidays - children are off schedule and sometimes outright disregulated - their normal school structure is removed for weeks on end.

Throw in unfamiliar relatives, OP having no background of anything that may have happened just before they arrived or during their journey, no idea of whether there are any issues the 7/10 year old is going through that the parents presumably are managing, no actual parenting experience of that age group, and a real intolerance of people even moving CHAIRS in the house ....that doesn't sound like someone who is self aware or accommodating.

Yet she has the confidence to not only judge the mum (who is probably also trying to have some semblance of a holiday at the same time too) but then she goes and moans about it to her DH.

What experience do you think qualifies OP to call someone a bad mother after 4 days because of a different approach to meal times and/or conversation level?

No one is gas lighting anyone or minimising "women's experiences" - let's not overuse that word "gaslight" because it minimises the real lived experiences of people who have actually been gas lit before.

And, you weren't there either.

The DH wasn't happy with the comments and as others have commented already, the OP can't seem to take on board what other people are saying when they are trying to provide an alternative view.

So what does that suggest?

Thank you for commenting. Above in the thread, I acknowledged several times my shortcomings, including the fact that in hindsight I shouldn't have made the comments and that I acknowledge elements of hypocrisy in my behaviour. I even said in my original post that I apologised to my husband. As for the SIL comment, I mentioned before that I have known this girl for 7 years, I've seen this pattern since she was 3, but seeing it over several days and in more depth concerned me - not because SIL's mothering style is my business, but because I need to guage my husband's views on this regarding any future children we may have together, which is very much my business.

@Greenrun

There is a saying my native language which I will translate for you. It is "anogona pwere ndiye asinapwere".

It means directly translated to English: the perfect parent is the one who is not a parent yet.

I wish you no ill and I hope you can resolve things with your DH. I hope the discussion here will be helpful to you in some way.

Very well said. I completely agree.

Sounds like theybwere not there for long - would it have killed you to hold your tongue for your partners sake? Sounds like you were looking to cause friction to me.

You don't need to "gauge" your husbands view on his sisters parenting at all. Just because he butts out of her parenting doesn't necessarily mean he's going to mirror her ways. Maybe he just thinks it's none of his business how his sister parents her kid. I mean she's 10 she can open her mouth and voice that she wants to talk or if she's hungry. Maybe she doesn't want to constantly sit and talk. You're just judging her as she isn't some kind of Mary Poppins parent that you want to believe you'll be when you have kids.

You don’t know that he didn’t hear. The OP certainly suggests he was being disingenuous in his attempt to switch any and all responsibility to his wife. The fact that he blamed her and dramatically accused her of ruining the stay underlines this.

As OP explains the situation he was gaslighting.

Your visitors are irrelevant.

I would say next time just be aware he doesn't like to moan about his family. Some people do, some people don't. I'll happily whinge about mine even though I love them. My dh didn't use to, so I had a friend who knew my feelings and I'd just text her any of the things that wound me up to get it off my chest. My dh is actually seeing the issues and has for the past few years so we do moan together! I think hosting people is very tiring, and some things are inevitably annoying, so find a way to get it off your chest without hurting him. I would also say he owes you a big thank you for all your commitment and hard work to the visit. I understand he feels hurt by your words, but you've also clearly made a huge effort for them, and him, an dit should be appreciated aside from the comments you made.

Hear! hear! Beautifully said.

I have exactly the same issue with my DW. It seems we can both be “objective” about my family but not so much about hers, especially MIL. 🤔x