Parent invited herself while we were away.

MyLuckyTiger · 2025-08-09T19:01:08+00:00

So I arranged a play date with my daughter’s friend at our house while we were out. Our nanny was going to look after them. The kids are both 9 years old. The mother of the child is a parent from her class. We picked up her daughter and brought her to our house and the mother was going to pick her daughter at 9. This is like 10th time they are at our house in the same format. While were out the mother came around 7 pm and stayed till around 9.20. She also brought her small toddler. And our nanny was basically entertaining three kids but mostly the toddler. I was a little surprised because mother never mentioned she was going to come this early and hang out at ours while we were not in the house. The interesting thing is, this is not the first time she is doing this and our nanny just assumed we were okay with this. I find it very weird. But we are in London recently so not sure if this is okay here. I mean I would expect it from a relative or a close friend but not a parent which I barely speak to. What do you think

Zempy · 09/08/2025 20:06

Tell nanny that if this happens again she should turf the visiting children and their CF mother out!!

Or just don’t invite her again if you won’t be there.

nomas · 09/08/2025 20:19

This doesn’t sound fair to your nanny. Have a word with the CF mum that the nanny is there to take care of your dc.

ThejoyofNC · 09/08/2025 20:22

Tell the nanny to send her an invoice for looking after her toddler!

Lindy2 · 09/08/2025 20:30

I feel very sorry for your nanny having to entertain someone else's toddler at gone 9pm in the evening as well as 2 older children and an adult.

Please don't tell me she started work at 7am that day too.

The mum is being very cheeky. Your nanny is extremely accommodating. I wouldn't invite that child to your house again.

Original poster

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 20:49

Nanny comes over the weekend in the afternoon. I pay her good wage and tips on top so she won’t leave us for another job. She is very kind and playful and said she did not mind the toddler. Which could be true, as she could entertain a whole playground full of kids making up teams games etc. But even if it’s okay for her I don’t think it’s okay for the mom to act like this. Also I would be still mad if this mother came to our house even without her toddler. Just her being in our house regularly for 2-3 ours without telling us make me uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Original poster

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 21:06

Nanny now telling more and more information. We have a home mobile. Our daughter uses it call us and nanny uses it to order Deliveroo or a taxi. Turns out one time they ordered food for the mom too and around 6 months ago she went to our guest bedroom either to sleep or to pump her milk and came out 40 minutes later. I mean I heard them mentioning the mom this and that but I always assumed she just came to pick her daughter up, maybe talk to my nanny a bit while she was waiting for her daughter to get ready but not like this. I’m now mad with my nanny too.

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Fluffyholeysocks · 09/08/2025 21:10

Tell your Nanny to end the play date as soon as the mother arrives. She should just hand the daughter over to her mother.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 09/08/2025 21:12

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 21:06

Nanny now telling more and more information. We have a home mobile. Our daughter uses it call us and nanny uses it to order Deliveroo or a taxi. Turns out one time they ordered food for the mom too and around 6 months ago she went to our guest bedroom either to sleep or to pump her milk and came out 40 minutes later. I mean I heard them mentioning the mom this and that but I always assumed she just came to pick her daughter up, maybe talk to my nanny a bit while she was waiting for her daughter to get ready but not like this. I’m now mad with my nanny too.

I wouldn't be mad with your nanny. It sounds like a difficult situation where she didn't feel she could confront the woman, however you should give firm boundaries for the nanny to assert.

If the woman comes early, she should say "wait right here I'll get little Felicity's bag, and get her to pop her shoes on and she'll be right out with you".

mondaytosunday · 09/08/2025 21:23

You need to talk to this girls mother, not your nanny. Tell her that it’s not acceptable. Your home isn’t a hotel for anyone to drop in as they wish.
Next time a play date is arranged say ‘Mary I’d just like it to be the girls. Our nanny is not paid to look after three children and I’m not comfortable with it’.
End of. If she says the nanny is comfortable with it say that doesn’t matter you are not.
If the mum then turns up early again tell the nanny that’s the end of the play date. No excuses. This woman is taking advantage so don’t have any hesitation in stopping it right now.,

PrettyYellow30 · 09/08/2025 21:32

How rude, the poor nanny should charge for having to take care of her kids!

Screamingabdabz · 09/08/2025 21:37

Can’t believe you’re blaming the nanny when she’s already having to host a play date with another child she’s not paid to look after. This is so unreasonable.

She may say she’s ok with it but she would wouldn’t she? The power dynamic is not in her favour. Your privilege makes you ignorant to this and it’s not on. You need to manage the other mother and you need to pay your nanny extra for looking after additional children after checking she consents to it. Don’t be a dick to your staff.

Original poster

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 21:54

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 09/08/2025 21:12

I wouldn't be mad with your nanny. It sounds like a difficult situation where she didn't feel she could confront the woman, however you should give firm boundaries for the nanny to assert.

If the woman comes early, she should say "wait right here I'll get little Felicity's bag, and get her to pop her shoes on and she'll be right out with you".

Show quote history

I’m upset she did not mention any of that and assumed it’s an okay situation which we’re okay with it. She could at least send me a text to confirm if I’m okay to spend money on the moms food. They ordered steak (not to be petty but it’s not 5 pounds)

Also the mom normally comes around 7 which is just 1- 1,5 hour after we pick her daughter from her house. And my daughter and her daughter will most probably just cry if the play date will end so quickly as they’re obsessed with each other.

After they let this dynamic to last this long any confrontation with the mom from part will be taken very badly by all of them(yes, including my nanny) and most importantly by my daughter which find those get togethers really cute because the mother is apparently very “funny”. Also my husband says “let them”. So I’m the bad cop now.

OP posts:

TheGreenUser · 09/08/2025 21:57

nomas · 09/08/2025 20:19

This doesn’t sound fair to your nanny. Have a word with the CF mum that the nanny is there to take care of your dc.

What does CF mean, please?

RentalWoesNotFun · 09/08/2025 22:02

CF is cheeky fucker.

TheGreenUser · 09/08/2025 22:03

It is weird the mum is hanging around in your home, using your guest room, wating takeaways on yr money, when you're not there. She's taking advantage! You probably have a lovely home and she's enjoying sitting around in it eating steak.

I think you should give the nanny instructions, if she turns up early the play date is over.

SheilaFentiman · 09/08/2025 22:03

ok, so you have to be Bad Cop here. It’s on you (or DH, but he’s out) to talk to the mother in question and make boundaries clear. It’s not on your employee to be firm/rude to one of your friends.

FOJN · 09/08/2025 22:11

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 21:54

I’m upset she did not mention any of that and assumed it’s an okay situation which we’re okay with it. She could at least send me a text to confirm if I’m okay to spend money on the moms food. They ordered steak (not to be petty but it’s not 5 pounds)

Also the mom normally comes around 7 which is just 1- 1,5 hour after we pick her daughter from her house. And my daughter and her daughter will most probably just cry if the play date will end so quickly as they’re obsessed with each other.

After they let this dynamic to last this long any confrontation with the mom from part will be taken very badly by all of them(yes, including my nanny) and most importantly by my daughter which find those get togethers really cute because the mother is apparently very “funny”. Also my husband says “let them”. So I’m the bad cop now.

Show quote history

You speak to the mum and tell her it has recently come to your attention and that the nanny assumed she'd cleared it with you but you would prefer it if she collected her daughter at the time agreed rather than waiting in your house for a couple of hours.

Stop putting the responsibility on the nanny, she probably feels caught in the middle and doesn't want to get into trouble for not being hospitable to visitors. It's time to woman up and assert some boundaries, this woman's behaviour is both weird and unacceptable.

AlohaRose · 09/08/2025 22:14

Is it normal for play dates with nine year olds to run from late afternoon until 9 pm in the evening? Even the timing seems weird, never mind the mother inviting herself into your home repeatedly while you were not there.

Hankunamatata · 09/08/2025 22:19

Omg she's a CF
If you arrange the next play date Id include in the text that unfortunately the nanny will not be able to host the mum and toddler and please can she stick to just picking her dd up

Ironfloor269 · 09/08/2025 22:20

AlohaRose · 09/08/2025 22:14

Is it normal for play dates with nine year olds to run from late afternoon until 9 pm in the evening? Even the timing seems weird, never mind the mother inviting herself into your home repeatedly while you were not there.

Edited

i wondered the same.

Also, which restaurant delivers steak on Deliveroo?

Original poster

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 22:21

FOJN · 09/08/2025 22:11

You speak to the mum and tell her it has recently come to your attention and that the nanny assumed she'd cleared it with you but you would prefer it if she collected her daughter at the time agreed rather than waiting in your house for a couple of hours.

Stop putting the responsibility on the nanny, she probably feels caught in the middle and doesn't want to get into trouble for not being hospitable to visitors. It's time to woman up and assert some boundaries, this woman's behaviour is both weird and unacceptable.

Show quote history

What if she tells her daughter not to hang out with my daughter anymore? Or will start a rumour with the rest of the parents that I’m mean or greedy? She is very sociable. Im very introverted and distant from other parents and try to avoid interaction where I can. If this wasn’t about my daughter I would not even be here posting.
Also I’m not putting responsibilities on my nanny but really want to because she put me in this situation. Maybe if she told me last year when they just started to hang out I could say something. Now when it’s been this long and they are all cool with this situation it feels weird for me to say something.

OP posts:

Sassybooklover · 09/08/2025 22:25

Your Nanny is in a difficult position, and it's entirely possible she may have assumed you were aware of the situation and had agreed to it. It's awkward for her to ask the Mum! You now need to give your Nanny very clear instructions on how you want her to proceed going forward. It's not her responsibility to confront this Mum, that's now down to you. This Mum is essentially using your Nanny to look after both her children, and giving herself a break, whilst getting some free food thrown in. I wouldn't be inviting this child over any more without you being at home. This would stop the situation, without the need to confront the Mum, and upsetting your daughter.

EasternSkies · 09/08/2025 22:25

Is the mother worried about your Nanny having responsibility for her Dd?

Is there some reason the Mum would want to be out of her own home on a Saturday evening ? Abusive DH?

It is putting your Nanny in a very difficult situation. She probably feels she can’t police situations that arise out of your arrangements and I don’t think it is fair to make the Nanny responsible for managing the Mum.

I think unless you can have a frank conversation with the Mum you probably need to stop the play dates on the Nanny’s watch.

Does the Mum ever invite your Dd to her house to play?

Conniebygaslight · 09/08/2025 22:27

Does the mum feel uncomfortable with her DD being on a play date with a nanny in charge and until 9pm so feels that she needs to be there?
Just a thought maybe….

CoraPirbright · 09/08/2025 22:27

Deeply odd and very cheeky! Especially ordering in a takeaway on your dime. How fucking rude! Next playdate, can you say breezily that you have an errand to run and will be going past her house so will drop her daughter home. No need for her to come out so late and drag her toddler out - you will drop the girl home.