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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent invited herself while we were away.

206 replies

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 20:01

So I arranged a play date with my daughter’s friend at our house while we were out. Our nanny was going to look after them. The kids are both 9 years old. The mother of the child is a parent from her class. We picked up her daughter and brought her to our house and the mother was going to pick her daughter at 9. This is like 10th time they are at our house in the same format. While were out the mother came around 7 pm and stayed till around 9.20. She also brought her small toddler. And our nanny was basically entertaining three kids but mostly the toddler. I was a little surprised because mother never mentioned she was going to come this early and hang out at ours while we were not in the house. The interesting thing is, this is not the first time she is doing this and our nanny just assumed we were okay with this. I find it very weird. But we are in London recently so not sure if this is okay here. I mean I would expect it from a relative or a close friend but not a parent which I barely speak to. What do you think

OP posts:
NewPinkJacket · 09/08/2025 22:38

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 22:21

What if she tells her daughter not to hang out with my daughter anymore? Or will start a rumour with the rest of the parents that I’m mean or greedy? She is very sociable. Im very introverted and distant from other parents and try to avoid interaction where I can. If this wasn’t about my daughter I would not even be here posting.
Also I’m not putting responsibilities on my nanny but really want to because she put me in this situation. Maybe if she told me last year when they just started to hang out I could say something. Now when it’s been this long and they are all cool with this situation it feels weird for me to say something.

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You clearly don't have a clue what goes on in your house while you're out.

If that gets around, very few parents will want to send their kids for a playdate anyway if you're not home.

The situation's a bit ridiculous really and I too feel sorry for your Nanny.

AlloftheTime · 09/08/2025 22:40

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FOJN · 09/08/2025 22:41

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 22:21

What if she tells her daughter not to hang out with my daughter anymore? Or will start a rumour with the rest of the parents that I’m mean or greedy? She is very sociable. Im very introverted and distant from other parents and try to avoid interaction where I can. If this wasn’t about my daughter I would not even be here posting.
Also I’m not putting responsibilities on my nanny but really want to because she put me in this situation. Maybe if she told me last year when they just started to hang out I could say something. Now when it’s been this long and they are all cool with this situation it feels weird for me to say something.

Show quote history

If you are distant and try to avoid interacting with other parents how would you know if they were gossiping about you anyway? And if you have nothing to do with them then why would it matter? Either you do something about a situation you are not happy with and accept her reaction, whatever it might be, or you let things continue as they are.

You are putting the responsibility on your nanny, you are literally blaming her rather than cheeky fucker mum. Just finding out about it gives the the ideal excuse for only mentioning it now. As a PP said you can tell the mum that the nanny thought it was an agreed arrangement and you only found out because she casually mentioned something in conversation.

If you avoid interacting with parents then this probably feels like it will be more awkward than it needs to be. Why would you think that she would deprived her daughter of a friendship because you would prefer she didn't treat your house like a second home?

Morningsleepin · 09/08/2025 22:44

Maybe you should stay at home for the next play date

Lemonadeat8 · 09/08/2025 22:45

A mother being present at the play date is not weird.

TheGrimSmile · 09/08/2025 22:49

This wouldn't bother me. It sounds like she gets on with your nanny and they like to chat. The kids get along and have fun. What's the problem? It feels like you're creating one. The only thing that might annoy me slightly would be the ordering food thing. It's a bit cheeky but apart from that it sounds OK.

PeonyBulb · 09/08/2025 22:52

This woman is taking full advantage of your nanny and you and your home

Tell your nanny that as soon as this woman turns up then it’s time to leave.

tell your nanny to be firm and ignore your own DD protestations.

Also your nanny is to wait in the hallway whilst your nanny collects her DD

be ruthless

PeonyBulb · 09/08/2025 22:53

I meant tell your nanny to get this awful CF to wait in the hallway

Original poster
MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 23:06

The mom never invited us to her house, because it is too small(her words) and her husband works from home writing a book. The play date is late because it’s either Friday and Saturday and the only time her daughter is free from clubs. And she is usually very happy when we invite her daughter over. Maybe she doesn’t trust us. I don’t know, but we are never at home when they have a play date.

I decided to stay at home next time they will have a play date and see what’s the deal with this mom. Or maybe she will stumble at this post and never be back.

I will talk with the nanny to be more strict with the boundaries as well. I can now see the pattern. One time she send me a photo from their picnic in the park and there was a kid sitting with them eating and the nanny did not know where his parents were but was very chill. Another time she said they met a kid in the pool, who spent whole time with them while her parents were outside the pool. I was actually concerned that time and asked her to make sure my daughter her only priority. But I did not want think anything of that.

OP posts:
stichguru · 09/08/2025 23:08

How was it decided that the play date would finish at 9? When the mother comes at 7 does she actually express her wish for the playdate to continue for another 2 hours, or does she just not interrupt her child and yours in their activity?

I honestly sounds to me as if she comes at 7 because she's either a single mum or her partner is working/out late and she would like to get her toddler to bed at a reasonable hour for a toddler, but then can't come out to get her child. When she arrives and the nanny doesn't tell the children to stop playing and tell your child to say goodbye to her friend, and the mum finds it awkward to essentially tell your child what to do in her own home. When the mum comes you or your nanny need to be telling your child and hers that it is time for the friend to go.

Original poster
MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 23:09

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I wish.

OP posts:
Bathingforest · 09/08/2025 23:09

This woman could have been through all your personal stuff. Be careful, lady. Stop the playdates and make sure the nanny does not have a key...or change the locks

Original poster
MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 23:14

TheGrimSmile · 09/08/2025 22:49

This wouldn't bother me. It sounds like she gets on with your nanny and they like to chat. The kids get along and have fun. What's the problem? It feels like you're creating one. The only thing that might annoy me slightly would be the ordering food thing. It's a bit cheeky but apart from that it sounds OK.

I don’t mind paying for her food or paying additional to my nanny for her toddler because it seems that they are indeed really happy and natural because nobody thought to mention it to me till now accidentally. What bothers me is that the mom never said anything to me, never asked me. And I can’t shake this feeling. I feel like my skin is boiling every time I think about it.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 09/08/2025 23:26

What bothers me is that the mom never said anything to me, never asked me.

If you are cold and distant with the other parents she probably felt that she couldn't ask you.

I know you said you were an introvert, but you do need to make an effort when you have children. It goes with the territory.

And why do you always go out when your DD has a friend round?

CuriousKiteFlyer · 09/08/2025 23:28

It sounds like the other Mum has more of a relationship with your nanny than with you. Maybe she sees her as a friend rather than an employee and they enjoy hanging out while looking after the children together?

CuriousKiteFlyer · 09/08/2025 23:31

Ps. It's possible that the other Mum might be lonely, it's not always easy to make good friends when you have small children. Personally I would try to assume good intent but be a bit more present if you want to course correct the situation. It sounds like your daughter has found a friend she really likes so you don't want to lose that. Your style is probably a bit unusual compared to most people as you are actively avoiding interactions with other parents. Perhaps because of this you seem a bit unapproachable?

Original poster
MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 23:34

RampantIvy · 09/08/2025 23:26

What bothers me is that the mom never said anything to me, never asked me.

If you are cold and distant with the other parents she probably felt that she couldn't ask you.

I know you said you were an introvert, but you do need to make an effort when you have children. It goes with the territory.

And why do you always go out when your DD has a friend round?

I don’t go out when her friends are around. I go out on weekends. She has other play dates during the week at our place or she goes to other kids houses. The play dates with this friend started when her mom asked me for a “sleep under” at my house over the weekend. I told her straight away that we are out normally and have nanny over - she said “great, the daughter will be happy to join if that’s okay” I said it’s okay but I can only take her daughter to our place and she needs to pick her up, and then she decided on timings and we agreed on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 23:41

CuriousKiteFlyer · 09/08/2025 23:28

It sounds like the other Mum has more of a relationship with your nanny than with you. Maybe she sees her as a friend rather than an employee and they enjoy hanging out while looking after the children together?

Yes probably

OP posts:
hmmimnotsurewhy · 09/08/2025 23:43

Lemonadeat8 · 09/08/2025 22:45

A mother being present at the play date is not weird.

You’re weird. The kids are 9yo. It’s drop and pickup.

hmmimnotsurewhy · 09/08/2025 23:45

Oh fgs. Who cares if this woman is lonely. It’s not the op problem to have any sympathy for her and allow this. Why is she sneaking in when the op isn’t there? I would think she’s scoping out your house or personal items.
you should put a stop to this. This woman is up to something and I wouldn’t allow her back there

Original poster
MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 23:52

hmmimnotsurewhy · 09/08/2025 23:45

Oh fgs. Who cares if this woman is lonely. It’s not the op problem to have any sympathy for her and allow this. Why is she sneaking in when the op isn’t there? I would think she’s scoping out your house or personal items.
you should put a stop to this. This woman is up to something and I wouldn’t allow her back there

thank you. Though I see how I feel about it tomorrow. I feel now that I’m too angry and tired to analyse this. ChatGPT says that it’s not normal though LOL

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 09/08/2025 23:55

just organise play dates for when you are at home then you canmanage the situation a few times until the mum gets the message.

it’s very awkward situation for the many she doesn’t have any authority and isn’t in charge of the plans. So you need to do it.

Screamingabdabz · 10/08/2025 00:07

PeonyBulb · 09/08/2025 22:52

This woman is taking full advantage of your nanny and you and your home

Tell your nanny that as soon as this woman turns up then it’s time to leave.

tell your nanny to be firm and ignore your own DD protestations.

Also your nanny is to wait in the hallway whilst your nanny collects her DD

be ruthless

No. It is not the nanny’s job to this. It’s the OP’s (or husband’s) responsibility. Stop putting more crap on the poor nanny. Sounds like she’s dealing with two batshit parents as it is.

OriginalUsername2 · 10/08/2025 00:09

It’s very strange that she’s so comfortable in your home. I think you’re right to stick around and get a feel for the situation. Have her and the nanny become friends or does she just waft around your house on her own?

crumblingschools · 10/08/2025 00:18

Why don’t you do things with your daughter at the weekend?