Parent invited herself while we were away.

[MyLuckyTiger]

So I arranged a play date with my daughter’s friend at our house while we were out. Our nanny was going to look after them. The kids are both 9 years old. The mother of the child is a parent from her class. We picked up her daughter and brought her to our house and the mother was going to pick her daughter at 9. This is like 10th time they are at our house in the same format. While were out the mother came around 7 pm and stayed till around 9.20. She also brought her small toddler. And our nanny was basically entertaining three kids but mostly the toddler. I was a little surprised because mother never mentioned she was going to come this early and hang out at ours while we were not in the house. The interesting thing is, this is not the first time she is doing this and our nanny just assumed we were okay with this. I find it very weird. But we are in London recently so not sure if this is okay here. I mean I would expect it from a relative or a close friend but not a parent which I barely speak to. What do you think

You go out every weekend and leave your kid with the nanny until 10.30pm? If you pay your nanny this much I can understand why she thought you wouldn’t mind about a steak. I’m sure she sees it has her responsibility to fit in a be flexible / accommodating with whatever you arrange with your rich friends.

It sounds like your nanny is enjoying the company.

Howerver well she is paid, I'm sure some nannies like to chat while doing childcare just as us mums do. Some nannies/parents are also happier with a 'more the merrier' situation - ie. more kids/ more people.

I think I would have a think about whether you are really going to risk losingyour nanny over a very small issue that your nanny is enjoying ?

In the end one takeaway, entertaining extra kids in the park etc, does it matter if this nanny is really great with your own child?

also, if your daughter is an only child perhaps your nanny sees it as positive if when at the park others play with them? I mean - as a parent it would be totally normal to end up with other kids joining in - and if your nanny does this for a job she probably has more patience than other parents!

Op. re CHAT GPT - please remember it has a massive positivity bias towards whoever is posting.

Have you asked it to give you completely the opposite point of view?

It will be able to do that just as well.

and yep, as others said, if you are spending several hundrerd pounds on childcare each week, you can afford a steak so while I do agree it's a bit cheeky - I'm sure the nanny thought that you wouldn't mind if it meant the kids were all enjoying themselves.

I would try to see it as positive that the playdate goes well

I think sometimes in life we can get hooked up in our mind about what we think is 'right' and it overrides the practicality of what actually works well.

When you are working as a nanny, the power dynamics are quite complex. it is not easy to challenge another person's behaviour when the link to them is actually through your employer.

Maybe you (OP) need to get your self involved in your kids social life a bit more? Then you would know what’s happening. Evening play dates on a weekend? Don’t you spend quality family time then ( or at least part of the weekend) ?

@samthepigeon really agree with this. The nanny may not feel she can say no to a confident older woman - and also, perhaps feels it's helping the atmosphere etc for the children and wants to be able to roll with it.

Absolutely this. Regardless of whether the nanny is happy to entertain the toddler it is extremely weird for a stranger to stay in your house in your absence for hours. Sounds like this woman doesn't understand normal boundaries. You will have to eithet tell her that she is welcome to pick up child at the door or stop the playdates. Alternatively nanny could be instructed that when she comes she teels her to wait at the door and bring the child saying she cannot let people in when adults are not at home. I would not be comfortable having strangers in my home when I am out, you are totally right to dislike this.

But even with this, she should be paying for her own food. It's the taking free food that I find incredibly cheeky.

If the nanny said “we are getting takeaway, would you like some” then it may have been unthinking to go along with it. Presumably op knows the nanny gets food for her and the girls on the play dates

Again, it’s on OP to decide what she’s ok with and let nanny and other mum know.

ETA and since the DH is ok with all this, it may well be the nanny has a reasonable assumption that her employers are ok with it as an occasional thing.

Why did you bother to have a child?

Why are you not using the weekends to spend time with your daughter and her friends?

Now THAT is believable… 😂

OP is in London. You can order a £680 steak from Salt Bae on Deliveroo. Fries will set you back £17. If you are on a tighter budget, you could opt for Wagyu steak in a sake and black truffle honey sauce from Michelin starred Hakkasan for just £95.

@MyLuckyTiger I think you either stop these playdates entirely for a while, or you need to be there and make it clear pick up is required ‘because we are going out now’ or something (hence 7pm latest), or can you drop child back perhaps? I agree the delay in finding out the full story has put you in a difficult position re any kind of conversation.

We’re involved during the week. And we’re home during other play dates and have relationship with other parents. I spend lots of energy on all of this and need my breaks on weekends. this friend is never free during other days and times. ‘this is very convenient time for her’ as the mother said.

Why are you not using the weekends to spend time with your daughter and her friends

Because it sucks.

Stingy. Petty.

She said she preferred this time in the beginning and we did this since that. Again I said to her ‘I’m not at home at this time and nanny is babysitting my daughter’ and she was ‘yeah sounds fantastic, can my daughter join?’ I asked my nanny she also said “yeah sounds fantastic”

It sucks having time with your DD @MyLuckyTiger

Wow. 😬

Here's hoping this isn't real

Maybe. But I can’t do more than I do already. As I mentioned im very very antisocial. I have a few close friends and their kids are my daughter’s friend too. In my ideal world that is enough. My daughter on the other hand is very extroverted and everyday there are hundreds of kids at our house. There are 6 kids in the pool at this very moment. But I never say anything because my daughter is my number one priority and if she needs it I will give it her. But coming to my house without saying anything I don’t know

I don’t know she is very popular.

@MyLuckyTiger you said it sucks having time with your DD, I was quoting you

I meant with my daughter and her friends together. I love spending time with her alone.

She said spending time with her daughter and her friends sucks. I think that’s fair enough. Spending large amounts of time around kids who aren’t your own is draining for a lot of people.

If she’s got an extroverted daughter and facilitates socialising all week, having a bit of downtime (while her daughter has a great time on a play date) seems like a great idea. If I didn’t get regular kid-free time, I’d lose my mind.