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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent invited herself while we were away.

206 replies

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 20:01

So I arranged a play date with my daughter’s friend at our house while we were out. Our nanny was going to look after them. The kids are both 9 years old. The mother of the child is a parent from her class. We picked up her daughter and brought her to our house and the mother was going to pick her daughter at 9. This is like 10th time they are at our house in the same format. While were out the mother came around 7 pm and stayed till around 9.20. She also brought her small toddler. And our nanny was basically entertaining three kids but mostly the toddler. I was a little surprised because mother never mentioned she was going to come this early and hang out at ours while we were not in the house. The interesting thing is, this is not the first time she is doing this and our nanny just assumed we were okay with this. I find it very weird. But we are in London recently so not sure if this is okay here. I mean I would expect it from a relative or a close friend but not a parent which I barely speak to. What do you think

OP posts:
NacMacFeegles · 10/08/2025 06:37

Maybe the CF Mum and nannie are in a relationship?

Middlechild3 · 10/08/2025 06:39

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 23:14

I don’t mind paying for her food or paying additional to my nanny for her toddler because it seems that they are indeed really happy and natural because nobody thought to mention it to me till now accidentally. What bothers me is that the mom never said anything to me, never asked me. And I can’t shake this feeling. I feel like my skin is boiling every time I think about it.

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Now you know its up to you to talk to the mother, thus is not the fault of the nanny nor hers to manage. You sound scared of the mother!

NoNameisGoodEnough · 10/08/2025 06:48

Ironfloor269 · 09/08/2025 22:20

i wondered the same.

Also, which restaurant delivers steak on Deliveroo?

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We have the local Miller and Carter on Just Eat.

Carodebalo · 10/08/2025 06:49

FOJN · 09/08/2025 22:11

You speak to the mum and tell her it has recently come to your attention and that the nanny assumed she'd cleared it with you but you would prefer it if she collected her daughter at the time agreed rather than waiting in your house for a couple of hours.

Stop putting the responsibility on the nanny, she probably feels caught in the middle and doesn't want to get into trouble for not being hospitable to visitors. It's time to woman up and assert some boundaries, this woman's behaviour is both weird and unacceptable.

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This! It’s not fun to be the ‘bad cop’ but this is exactly what you should do. Don’t blame the nanny and tell mum not to hang around your house (super weird!)

DarkForces · 10/08/2025 06:55

If you're not happy with the way your nanny runs play dates then sort them yourself or get their dad to do it. Poor nanny. It's not normal to work until home 9pm regularly if you start early and surely one parent should be home for most play dates? Then getting criticised for making an unexpected guest feel welcome 🤦.

DarkForces · 10/08/2025 06:57

MyLuckyTiger · 10/08/2025 00:25

Let me think. She earns 700 for a weekend plus tips and bonuses for birthdays and holidays. for a total of 18-22 hours over three days. When we’re not inviting her or only inviting her one of the days she still gets her full wage. She takes our daughter somewhere fun or stays at home overlooking a play date. She doesn’t clean or cook. She has dinner at our place. We are never home later that midnight. Usually at around 10.30. She always gets a black cab home. We never asked her to look after someone else’s toddler or small siblings. This situation with the mom is not normal. This situation is on her 100% as she had to mention it to me. Please define batshit parents.

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Paying well doesn't mean you're off the hook in terms of parenting and part of that is dealing with uncomfortable situations with other parents. Yourself.

Nazzywish · 10/08/2025 07:03

Some of this is your own making op. You go out everytime that playdate happens which to me as a mum means you don't want to make the effort to know other mum / your child's friend at least once which is weird because they're in your home and having a playdate at YOUR house. So maybe the other mum has picked up on thay vibe and not bothered to communicate with you as you seem quite standoffish. About the nanny- I've been on playdates where there's a nanny and I've gone on the first one or so to make sure I'm happy to leave my child with a nanny that I don't know at all, but didn't want the kid to miss out on a playdate. Maybe here the nanny has become more of a friend and so she goes anyway to your house not thinking she's doing something awkward as nanny has not minded and it's more of a friendship thing? Or she doesn't trust the nanny esp of she's not someone who she sees alot in the week with your dd rec at school to know her properly and trust her but wants the playdate to take place. Either way stay for one playdate with mum. And say maybe next time about her dd coming herself may be easier for her etc.

Glowingup · 10/08/2025 07:09

AlohaRose · 09/08/2025 22:14

Is it normal for play dates with nine year olds to run from late afternoon until 9 pm in the evening? Even the timing seems weird, never mind the mother inviting herself into your home repeatedly while you were not there.

Edited

Yes I was going to say. What sort of weird arrangement is this? I’m guessing maybe this is an ultra-rich person thing. Late night play dates, nannies, deliveroo orders for 9-year olds and parents out all night

InWalksBarberalla · 10/08/2025 07:22

Glowingup · 10/08/2025 07:09

Yes I was going to say. What sort of weird arrangement is this? I’m guessing maybe this is an ultra-rich person thing. Late night play dates, nannies, deliveroo orders for 9-year olds and parents out all night

Edited
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And not noticing the steak takeaway charges at all!

Geranium1984 · 10/08/2025 07:23

I would make sure you're home the next few playdates and let the other mum know that you'll be picking her up. Could you also drop her back home so the other mum doesn't need to come to your house?

MyDeftDuck · 10/08/2025 07:28

OP, have you considered staying home during these play dates and supervising the children yourself?? Consider that for the next occasion and then take control yourself when CF mother arrives to freeload for a couple of hours rather than berating the nanny.

Trictactosa · 10/08/2025 07:29

Sounds to me like like this parent is doing everything she can to support your girls having playdates

Have you thought about being present for playdates?

Or inviting mum round to get to know her?

Maybe her 9yr old wants her mum close by.

Maybe mum wants to get to know you all before being comfortable with her daughter being looked after by someone other than family or friends. That's super normal to most UK including London families.

Louoby · 10/08/2025 07:33

She is taking advantage of you and your nanny. Free childcare, free meals. You need to find a way to gradually stop this. The free childcare for her children would grate on me especially as I’m paying. Does your daughter’s friend need to constantly be around? Can she not go to her house and take it in turns? Sounds such a weird set up

GRex · 10/08/2025 07:34

A few odd responses here OP. Most nannies are used to fractious kids, so they are more than capable of dealing with the odd cheeky adult.

It shouldn't need saying, but I would tell nanny immediately that nobody is allowed in the house without prior approval from you in future and that she is not to spend your money on food nor anything else for randoms. I would not have any more home play dates with this child, if they want to do something then arrange for them to be taken out and dropped back. Because I'm petty, I would also send the ancient food bill to the mum and say Nanny mentioned she had ordered this to your home while you were out but hadn't paid for it, is that correct? She can send the money.

Busybeemumm · 10/08/2025 07:35

Part of the joy of having children is getting to know your child's friends and parents and the little interactions at school gates.
OP- next time stay for the playdate and don't call on the nanny and get to know the other mum. She can't be all that bad if your nanny is ok with her company.

DarkForces · 10/08/2025 07:38

Sounds like a bloody lonely life looking after someone else's children all weekend then told you're not allowed to spend time with other adults. The kids don't see their own parents and then get less time with friends as a result. It all sounds so utterly depressing. If your children are going to be brought up by paid staff then at least allow them to experience some normality like spending time with other families.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 10/08/2025 07:42

I'd just tell the mother "if you need to collect her early please let me know in advance and I will maje sure she's to leave". I'd tell Nanny just to say "right girls it's time to pack the tots away as x 'se mummy is here and she's going home".

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 10/08/2025 07:42

mondaytosunday · 09/08/2025 21:23

You need to talk to this girls mother, not your nanny. Tell her that it’s not acceptable. Your home isn’t a hotel for anyone to drop in as they wish.
Next time a play date is arranged say ‘Mary I’d just like it to be the girls. Our nanny is not paid to look after three children and I’m not comfortable with it’.
End of. If she says the nanny is comfortable with it say that doesn’t matter you are not.
If the mum then turns up early again tell the nanny that’s the end of the play date. No excuses. This woman is taking advantage so don’t have any hesitation in stopping it right now.,

This women sounds like a bit of a chancer
Tell her straight it's not on the cards.

EliEllie · 10/08/2025 07:54

I'm afraid, the nanny needs to go. It's a breach of trust to let random people in and pay for there for with your money unbeknownst to you. The only other way is to stay in when you host these play dates. It's more than a little strange you are never in when this girl comes.

Tweedledumtweedle · 10/08/2025 07:56

I think you are cold and unfriendly OP and you’re going to ruin a nice warm part of your daughter’s life for no reason other than your own coldness

TwoWheelz · 10/08/2025 08:01

I think the steak was cheeky, however maybe she’s just social, good company and enjoys a break from a chaotic home life. Maybe the journey to collect is too much in one go or she pops to yours on route post commitment. I think you should meet her and decide. You can always end the play date at 7pm.

It’s very normal for mums to hangout together or for nanny’s to hangout together, so this just sounds similar.

Harrumphhhh · 10/08/2025 08:01

What nine year olds are having play dates from 7-9.20pm?

snowmichael · 10/08/2025 08:04

Isn't 9.20+ very late for a toddler to be up?

JSMill · 10/08/2025 08:06

The simplest solution is not to have any playdates with this child when only the nanny is present.
Op can I ask if this dm is from a different culture? I am only asking because I used to live in a Middle East and a similar thing happened to me a couple of times. The mums would arrive very early and expect hosting (by me not a nanny) , including being fed. I just stopped inviting them.

DarkForces · 10/08/2025 08:07

EliEllie · 10/08/2025 07:54

I'm afraid, the nanny needs to go. It's a breach of trust to let random people in and pay for there for with your money unbeknownst to you. The only other way is to stay in when you host these play dates. It's more than a little strange you are never in when this girl comes.

Edited

It's a parent of a friend of the op's dd. She's not inviting the guy who delivers the takeaway in. Everyone's a stranger until you actually make the effort to get to know them.