Parent invited herself while we were away.

[MyLuckyTiger]

So I arranged a play date with my daughter’s friend at our house while we were out. Our nanny was going to look after them. The kids are both 9 years old. The mother of the child is a parent from her class. We picked up her daughter and brought her to our house and the mother was going to pick her daughter at 9. This is like 10th time they are at our house in the same format. While were out the mother came around 7 pm and stayed till around 9.20. She also brought her small toddler. And our nanny was basically entertaining three kids but mostly the toddler. I was a little surprised because mother never mentioned she was going to come this early and hang out at ours while we were not in the house. The interesting thing is, this is not the first time she is doing this and our nanny just assumed we were okay with this. I find it very weird. But we are in London recently so not sure if this is okay here. I mean I would expect it from a relative or a close friend but not a parent which I barely speak to. What do you think

Yo, Betty, you can't stay in my house when husband and I are out. You also can't order delivery on my card.

If you don't want playdates without you being there the whole time, we'll reschedule a time when husband or I are present.

You're going to have to clarify with your nanny that she can't allow other parents in to stay and wander around your home at will while you're not there and your food delivery is for your kids and she only. This is basic safety.

But how much time do you actually spend with her. She is at school during the week, probably some clubs or playdates after school, and then with the nanny all weekend.

9 year olds don't need much 'facilitating' on a playdate. My daughter has up to 5 friends round at a time after school, the extent of my involvement is giving them some food and drinks.
It's a bit different if they are 5 and under and need looking after, yes that can be a bit tiring. But 9 year olds are pretty easy.

Yes, absolutely a bit of kid free time is essential, a night out with the girls, the occasional weekend away. But all weekend every weekend? Nope

just send her a message like this. I’d feel weird having a stranger in my house, especially going into bedrooms if I wasn’t there.

Hey friends mum, I don’t feel comfortable having adult guests at the house when I’m not home. If you’d like to hang out and have coffee while the girls are playing then maybe another time would suit better.

I find having people around (whatever their age) tiring. I’m not alone in this. And 9 year olds do require facilitating. It’s great that this is nothing to you, but we’re not all the same.

It’s highly unlikely that OP is out all day, morning till night, Saturday and Sunday, every blessed weekend. To me (OP, please clarify if I’m mistaken), it sounds like she has a weekly afternoon/evening out. I think that’s fine.

OP, constant playdates would be wearing.
We did one a week, maybe two, but that was it.

I think your Nanny has breached your trust by allowing this, paying for food for this woman on you.

The woman is a cheeky fxxker.
Time to pull back and say absolutely nothing to her.
Just no more playdates.
This woman having free run of your home while you are out is extraordinary.
I really cannot imagine any decent childcare wouldn't know this.
It's really basic.
I would be looking for someone else and I would be making things very clear to the next person.

No point in saying anything to the chancer, just no more playdates.

I'm super introverted so its not that i find it easy, but I just don't need to do much when my daughters friends are round, they are all lovely, very respectful of each other and our home and I don't need to constantly monitor them. Their mums say the same, they all get on so well that often it's actually easier to have them round than not as they all entertain each other.

She said she pays the Nanny 700 per weekend, to be there from lunchtime til late both days, occasionally only 1 day, but it's not a couple hours, sounds like up to 20 hours each weekend.

I don't mean to be rude but are you visiting the UK from another country, some of the expressions you use make me wonder, that's why I ask. As an example you write 'Mom' where we would say 'Mum' - and is the visiting friend's Mum perhaps from a culture where its normal to visit other people's homes when they're out?
Your poor nanny doesn't have the authority she needs to ask your visitor to leave so I think its up to you to have a conversation with said visitor and make it clear that she is not welcome. Is the nanny from another culture perhaps?
As for the steak - what was the nanny supposed to do if she was told by the visiting Mum to order it - refuse?

Being friendly is how you become friends. And friends is a very broad category.

But it's pretty irrelevant. I agree that OP is the boss and should be making it clear what she expects, setting whatever boundaries she considers important and supporting the nanny in enforcing them.

The mother could simply be dropping by early because she likes visiting with the nanny and the nanny may also enjoy her company. If you "lay down the law" with the nanny it may come off as criticism and she might decide to look for another job with a family that respects her decisions. OP does your husband think you are being a bit controlling about this? And as for the steak, oh well. Compared to what you pay your nanny (you are a generous person that values your nanny) it is not much. And absolutely you should go out on the weekends with friends and have some fun.

Can you stay at home for the next play date, and when the Mum brings the child along just welcome her politely and say something like 'thank you for bringing Susie (or whatever her name it) see you at 9.30. Bye', while you hold the door for her to leave?
Don't invite her into your house, speak to her on the doorstep. Keep on saying 'goodbye,' and 'thank you'.????

I'm super introverted so its not that i find it easy, but I just don't need to do much when my daughters friends are round, they are all lovely, very respectful of each other and our home and I don't need to constantly monitor them. Their mums say the same, they all get on so well that often it's actually easier to have them round than not as they all entertain each other.

And that’s lovely for you all. Genuinely. However, it’s not a universal experience. I can assure you that not all 9 year olds or groups of 9 year olds are similarly tractable.

She said she pays the Nanny 700 per weekend, to be there from lunchtime til late both days, occasionally only 1 day, but it's not a couple hours, sounds like up to 20 hours each weekend.

She said the nanny works for a total of 18-22 hours over three days. Also, she’s a nanny, not a babysitter, so that doesn’t indicate that the OP is out that entire time. When we had one, our nanny was often here at the same time as one of us.

I mentioned the steak because I would prefer the nanny to send me a text to confirm if I’m okay with it and by that I would have a chance to find out that the mom is actually at my house. Her meal was around 90 pounds. I would definitely ask my employer in similar situation. My nanny offered to pay it back I said no worries it’s not why I asked.

My husband is okay with the mom coming because he doesn’t care - ‘She did not steal anything? Good, let her come’.

But I’m still angry why the mom did not mention anything. Apparently she takes pictures of the kids, why did not she think to send me one? Why is she keeping it a secret.

I checked the cameras today for the last two times this friend was here. Every time she came my nanny was already there to open the door before she rings the bell. Which is very very suspicious.
Also she spent an hour in our garden on her phone, while the kids were inside.

You need to sort it out with the mother, not leave the nanny in a difficult situation. Take control and tell the mother which child is being invited over and that the nanny is not expecting any other child..

£90 for ONE meal??

Plenty of people text to say that they are parking up, or your nanny may have seen her approaching on the camera. What are you suspecting re your nanny getting the door before the bell?

She did steal something - £90.

90 pounds for her dinner. Yikes! That is a lot. I agree with you -it's cheeky! It's true that the mother could steal things but so could the daughter -anytime you have people in your home you run that risk. The mother coming over -ask the nanny if she is okay with it. Does she feel the mother is imposing on her. If she is okay with it then I agree with your husband and would let her come over.

However - I do feel at this stage that the nanny and mum have struck up a friendship - so would you have an issue if a fellow nanny was bringing DD’s friend over and the nannies were chatting? Cos if that would be ok, then I don’t think this is so different (other than reminding your nanny that the credit card isn’t for food for her friends and that upstairs is off limits to her guests, or whatever rules you need)

I don’t think it’s that weird or secretive the other mum hasn’t sent you a picture of the girls together and shared it with you - presumably the nanny could take one of them?

Yes, steak, burrata and empanadas.

Suspicious because if she rings the bell it gets logged in the system and I can check it on my phone.

But you are right probably she just texted her beforehand. I’m paranoid at this point.

I mean - presumably the nanny is aware that you have cameras in the house! So I don’t think she’s trying to be secret squirrel on this.

Anyway, you need to start from where you are. What are you happy with going forwards? It’s perfectly reasonable to put parameters on when the nanny has mum/nanny friends over during her working hours, where they go in the house etc. But YOU have to do it, as the mum and the nanny don’t have any reason to change the current arrangements.

Parenthood is not for you. Why did you do it? Hope this doesn’t sound too rude.

No, socialising in the culture where close bonds are rarely made and people are low key passive aggressive but you need to be nice to them all the time is draining.. But parenting is amazing on the other hand.

Parenting is amazing, you say.
How much do you actually do??

£90 for her takeout in your home?
Unbelievable.
Completely unacceptable.