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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent invited herself while we were away.

206 replies

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 20:01

So I arranged a play date with my daughter’s friend at our house while we were out. Our nanny was going to look after them. The kids are both 9 years old. The mother of the child is a parent from her class. We picked up her daughter and brought her to our house and the mother was going to pick her daughter at 9. This is like 10th time they are at our house in the same format. While were out the mother came around 7 pm and stayed till around 9.20. She also brought her small toddler. And our nanny was basically entertaining three kids but mostly the toddler. I was a little surprised because mother never mentioned she was going to come this early and hang out at ours while we were not in the house. The interesting thing is, this is not the first time she is doing this and our nanny just assumed we were okay with this. I find it very weird. But we are in London recently so not sure if this is okay here. I mean I would expect it from a relative or a close friend but not a parent which I barely speak to. What do you think

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 10/08/2025 08:15

Maybe the mother is under the impression she and the nanny have become mates and she stays a couple of hours thinking she’s having a cuppa and natter with friend?

Why do you arrange these playdates when you know you’re not going to be there?

BunnyLake · 10/08/2025 08:20

Tweedledumtweedle · 10/08/2025 07:56

I think you are cold and unfriendly OP and you’re going to ruin a nice warm part of your daughter’s life for no reason other than your own coldness

OP does sound very detached. Why is she always out in the evening when these playdates are taking place. Why has she never been there when the mother comes to get her daughter? Sounds like a very alien set up to me.

Flightyandmighty · 10/08/2025 08:21

It sounds like the mum was there hanging out with the nanny? So does the mum treat the nanny like a friend. Or has she literally left the toddler with your nanny. The nanny needs to end the play date at a specific time. Ie drop the girl back home or have firm boundaries. Maybe the mum is taking advantage but it’s hard to tell.

deeahgwitch · 10/08/2025 08:34

AlohaRose · 09/08/2025 22:14

Is it normal for play dates with nine year olds to run from late afternoon until 9 pm in the evening? Even the timing seems weird, never mind the mother inviting herself into your home repeatedly while you were not there.

Edited

I thought that was odd too.

OneCoralCat · 10/08/2025 08:40

Ironfloor269 · 09/08/2025 22:20

i wondered the same.

Also, which restaurant delivers steak on Deliveroo?

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Miller & Carter will deliver steak to my house on deliveroo, I’m out in the countryside though, presume lots more options if you live closer to a town

Rosscameasdoody · 10/08/2025 08:48

FOJN · 09/08/2025 22:11

You speak to the mum and tell her it has recently come to your attention and that the nanny assumed she'd cleared it with you but you would prefer it if she collected her daughter at the time agreed rather than waiting in your house for a couple of hours.

Stop putting the responsibility on the nanny, she probably feels caught in the middle and doesn't want to get into trouble for not being hospitable to visitors. It's time to woman up and assert some boundaries, this woman's behaviour is both weird and unacceptable.

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This. It’s not the nanny's responsibility to set the boundaries, that’s on OP.

SheilaFentiman · 10/08/2025 08:48

It is possible that the mum gave the nanny some cash for the steak and the nanny used that cash on another occasion with the DD.

godmum56 · 10/08/2025 08:50

I think if you haven't been clear with your Nanny about what you expect, then how is she to know? You sound comfortably off financially, you appear to leave the decision making about your daughters playtimes to her, either your husband isn't much involved in day to day childcare or doesn't mind so she might have thought it was all fine. I think the nanny has been caught in the middle. CF mother has done what CF's do, and are very good at, and behaved as though it was fine to use the facilities as if they were her own. Its not your fault but its not the nanny's fault either. It IS yours to fix.

Katflapkit · 10/08/2025 08:54

If the mother's place is small, I imagine it's a case of getting out of the house for a few hours. More so with a toddler and the Father working from home. I don't suppose writing a play is 9-5.

I had twin toddlers in a tiny 11th floor flat and rain, shine and snow I went to every playgroup, park, playground, rhyme time and toy library session just to get them out and about. I can see her turning up at your place for a relaxed/free chill out time. She clearly got away with the first one as the Nanny didn't mention it but it's bloody cheeky she has continued. I agree with the others though, it's awkward for the Nanny. I would definitely something to the mum though. Don't worry about her pulling the plug on the girl's playdates, she needs you more you need her.

MarieAndTwinette · 10/08/2025 09:05

mondaytosunday · 09/08/2025 21:23

You need to talk to this girls mother, not your nanny. Tell her that it’s not acceptable. Your home isn’t a hotel for anyone to drop in as they wish.
Next time a play date is arranged say ‘Mary I’d just like it to be the girls. Our nanny is not paid to look after three children and I’m not comfortable with it’.
End of. If she says the nanny is comfortable with it say that doesn’t matter you are not.
If the mum then turns up early again tell the nanny that’s the end of the play date. No excuses. This woman is taking advantage so don’t have any hesitation in stopping it right now.,

This is the best response. It is unreasonable to expect the nanny to deal with this situation.

newhouseplans · 10/08/2025 09:11

MyLuckyTiger · 09/08/2025 23:06

The mom never invited us to her house, because it is too small(her words) and her husband works from home writing a book. The play date is late because it’s either Friday and Saturday and the only time her daughter is free from clubs. And she is usually very happy when we invite her daughter over. Maybe she doesn’t trust us. I don’t know, but we are never at home when they have a play date.

I decided to stay at home next time they will have a play date and see what’s the deal with this mom. Or maybe she will stumble at this post and never be back.

I will talk with the nanny to be more strict with the boundaries as well. I can now see the pattern. One time she send me a photo from their picnic in the park and there was a kid sitting with them eating and the nanny did not know where his parents were but was very chill. Another time she said they met a kid in the pool, who spent whole time with them while her parents were outside the pool. I was actually concerned that time and asked her to make sure my daughter her only priority. But I did not want think anything of that.

I don't understand the bit in this post about other DC in the park / pool.

It's good for your DD to meet and play with other DC it's great if your nanny supports her development in being sociable.

"Making my daughter her only priority" sounds a lot like effectively isolating her from other DC.

Your nanny sounds great. Please don't put weird restrictions on her and your DD.

Yes you are paying her to look after your DD, but that includes supporting her development in play with other DC. She is gaining from other DC being there, not losing out.

(Not talking about the other mother visiting, talking about your one off examples from being out and about).

SweetnsourNZ · 10/08/2025 09:12

AlohaRose · 09/08/2025 22:14

Is it normal for play dates with nine year olds to run from late afternoon until 9 pm in the evening? Even the timing seems weird, never mind the mother inviting herself into your home repeatedly while you were not there.

Edited

In some cultures yes. Some have their playgroups in the evening too.

NetZeroZealot · 10/08/2025 09:14

Perhaps the nanny and the other Mum have struck up a friendship and enjoy each other’s company.
i know when my DC were little I made friends with DS’s friend’s nanny and we sometimes hung out at her employer’s house. The employers were a lawyer & a doctor & were never there.
And when I employed a nanny it was normal for other Nannie’s to come to our house with their charges to play. I thought it was common practice & good for everyone.
And if it had been another Mum instead of a nanny I wouldn’t have minded.

NetZeroZealot · 10/08/2025 09:17

MarieAndTwinette · 10/08/2025 09:05

This is the best response. It is unreasonable to expect the nanny to deal with this situation.

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I completely disagree. The nanny isn’t looking after 3 kids if the mother is there. And sometimes it’s easier if kids have others to play with.
you wil just sound like a controlling nutcase if you say this.
the nanny is happy with the situation.

nomas · 10/08/2025 09:20

NetZeroZealot · 10/08/2025 09:17

I completely disagree. The nanny isn’t looking after 3 kids if the mother is there. And sometimes it’s easier if kids have others to play with.
you wil just sound like a controlling nutcase if you say this.
the nanny is happy with the situation.

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Did you read the OP? The nanny is specifically looking after the CF mum’s toddler.

enidblythe · 10/08/2025 09:21

I think it s ok for you to not be comfortable with this woman coming to your house to hang out for almost 2 hours. I would be the same. It s an invasion of privacy and a breech of trust.

your home your boundaries. I would feel weird if someone was coming using my home like this without my knowledge.

if it was all
above board and not underhand then why has the mum or the nanny not already mentioned it. They too must know that it is not ok, and if your nanny has worked for you for a while and knows your standards then she probably has an inkling that you might not be ok with this, yet she has not said it.

if mum and nanny have developed a friendship then that friendship should be outside your nanny’s working hours your nanny s role is to supervise and support your child. If she is entertaining her own guest she cannot be focused on your child.
bringing the toddler over is also not ok really, if there were an accident - toddler breaks something or injures themselves in yoir home and you didn’t even know they were there …….

it s not about being kind or the woman lonely really it s her job to find her friends - that s really not your job to fix. It s your home you are allowed to not want someone coming into your home and using it on a regular basis with oe without your knowledge. It would be a deal
breaker for me and I would not be keen on my child having such a friendship.

i Would be having serious conversations with your nanny about trust- and currently you are trusting her with your child,
Who else does she let into the house and not tell you about ?

and the bottom line if the nanny knew you would be ok with it she would probably have mentioned it up prior to this.

I would phone or text the other mum and politely ask her to only come at pick up time and not before it. Offer to end the play date 1.5 hours earlier as you have become aware that possibly she needs to be with her child from 7.30 not from 9pm. Also mention that she is welcome to visit your home with you are home but you prefer her not to visit during play dates if you are not home. Mention that you are uncomfortable with it.

the school gate gossip is probably already rife with the fact that you regularly are out and about, what your home is like etc……

it s also
highly likely that if you were to mention to some of the other parents that she was coming over every weekend and using your home for 2 hours while
you were away and you didn’t quite know how to address it with her without offending her ….

NetZeroZealot · 10/08/2025 09:22

Tweedledumtweedle · 10/08/2025 07:56

I think you are cold and unfriendly OP and you’re going to ruin a nice warm part of your daughter’s life for no reason other than your own coldness

I agree

EtonMessy · 10/08/2025 09:22

Is the mum a single parent ? If so I imagine if the mum waited at home until 9pm the toddler would be asleep and she’d have to wake him to go get her DD from yours. Getting to yours for 7pm will keep the toddler awake whilst her DD and your DD finish their play date at 9pm ! I wouldn’t want to be dragging a sleepy toddler out at 9pm.

nomas · 10/08/2025 09:24

EtonMessy · 10/08/2025 09:22

Is the mum a single parent ? If so I imagine if the mum waited at home until 9pm the toddler would be asleep and she’d have to wake him to go get her DD from yours. Getting to yours for 7pm will keep the toddler awake whilst her DD and your DD finish their play date at 9pm ! I wouldn’t want to be dragging a sleepy toddler out at 9pm.

Is that also why she’s ordering steak with OP’s money when OP isn’t there?

EtonMessy · 10/08/2025 09:25

nomas · 10/08/2025 09:24

Is that also why she’s ordering steak with OP’s money when OP isn’t there?

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Apologies I missed the bit about the steak ! It was just a suggestion though !

SnackAckerTack · 10/08/2025 09:25

NewPinkJacket · 09/08/2025 22:38

You clearly don't have a clue what goes on in your house while you're out.

If that gets around, very few parents will want to send their kids for a playdate anyway if you're not home.

The situation's a bit ridiculous really and I too feel sorry for your Nanny.

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This.

Don't have play dates when youre not home. Problem solved.

NetZeroZealot · 10/08/2025 09:26

nomas · 10/08/2025 09:20

Did you read the OP? The nanny is specifically looking after the CF mum’s toddler.

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The mother was there. That’s not ‘looking after’ unless the mother’s in a different room doing something else. Maybe she enjoyed playing with her while the older DC played together. Who knows. English clearly isn’t the OPs first language so it’s not very clear what she means.

AnotherGreyMorning · 10/08/2025 09:27

Eh? It is absolutely not the nanny’s fault. You’re looking to blame her because you don’t have guts to talk to the cf mother about it?

Stop bitching about your nanny and tell the mother she’s not to come over before pick up time if it bothers you so much.

nomas · 10/08/2025 09:28

NetZeroZealot · 10/08/2025 09:26

The mother was there. That’s not ‘looking after’ unless the mother’s in a different room doing something else. Maybe she enjoyed playing with her while the older DC played together. Who knows. English clearly isn’t the OPs first language so it’s not very clear what she means.

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Are you for real? OP’s English is perfect and she has clearly said the nanny was mostly entertaining the toddler.

One time the CF mum even went to a bedroom for 40 minutes, leaving the nanny alone with all 3 kids.

EliEllie · 10/08/2025 09:30

DarkForces · 10/08/2025 08:07

It's a parent of a friend of the op's dd. She's not inviting the guy who delivers the takeaway in. Everyone's a stranger until you actually make the effort to get to know them.

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Nanny let this woman walk around in the house and use one of the bedrooms for 40 min,