Parent invited herself while we were away.

[MyLuckyTiger]

So I arranged a play date with my daughter’s friend at our house while we were out. Our nanny was going to look after them. The kids are both 9 years old. The mother of the child is a parent from her class. We picked up her daughter and brought her to our house and the mother was going to pick her daughter at 9. This is like 10th time they are at our house in the same format. While were out the mother came around 7 pm and stayed till around 9.20. She also brought her small toddler. And our nanny was basically entertaining three kids but mostly the toddler. I was a little surprised because mother never mentioned she was going to come this early and hang out at ours while we were not in the house. The interesting thing is, this is not the first time she is doing this and our nanny just assumed we were okay with this. I find it very weird. But we are in London recently so not sure if this is okay here. I mean I would expect it from a relative or a close friend but not a parent which I barely speak to. What do you think

Also you’re having a problem with another child eating with your dc and the baby in a picnic situation in a park is just really weird and controlling.

The woman is not nanny’s friend. The kids are friends. Nanny and woman may have become friendly though over time. It sounds as though op is giving responsibility over to the nanny. Paying her £700 does not exonerate op from taking responsibility for the running of her household and setting the parameters for guest in her home. The nanny may be as unable to assert herself as op but op has the absolute duty to do so.

You may pay your nanny well but you are putting her in a difficult position. You are basically expecting her to do your job, which is to set rules and boundaries and stick to them. You can't say the mum keeps doing this, but take absolutely no action to stop or address the issue. It's laziness on your part. Speak to the mum and tell her that she needs to drop her daughter off and return to collect her as arranged. Or better still, save playdates for when you or another adult are at home. Your nanny shouldn't have to host another adult or care for additional children or make decisions about who is allowed in your home. That is your job. Stop worrying about what parents might think of you, or that they might call you mean - its about setting boundaries and basically running your own household.

I would assume two 9 year olds on a play date are - broadly speaking - entertaining each other.

The woman went to pump in a guest bedroom. Ok - that’s a bit odd (for her to bring pumping stuff rather than do it at home) - but a guest bedroom is, IMO, a bit different to a family bedroom. And - speculating here - may well be the room used by the nanny if she ever stays overnight to babysit.

No. Her other half works from home and wants peace and quiet. Although, I'm not buying it as we are talking about late afternoon on a Saturday.

I think the mum is embarrassed about inviting a child from a much wealthier background back to her more modest home. I think she and the nanny have become friends and are enjoying each other's company.

The meal ordering is a complete pisstake thiugh.

@MyLuckyTiger I feel that you should make more of an effort to get to know your daughter's friends and be on good speaking terms with their parents. You don't have to make friends with them, but be less cold and distant, which is the impression you give here. Maybe you should spend more time with your DD instead of getting paid help to look after her all the time.

Maybe the mum felt uneasy about her daughter being there.
If she doesn't know the nanny well.

She might suffer from anxiety and need reassurance that her daughter is okay.

I agree that the mum should supervise her own toddler though.

It's very bad manners, OP, and it's not normal for London or the UK. It seems a very odd thing to do, and it puts the nanny in the difficult situation of having to 'manage' the situation and deal with the extra stress of looking after a small child. To me it would indicate that the mother doesn't respect your boundaries or the nanny and I would definitely want to say something to make the rules clear.
Possibly something along the lines of 'Our nanny has told us that you spent the evening at our home and that she was required to look after you and little Felix while also supervising Sophie and Olivia. She's pointed out that this is outside her contractual duties and I agree with her that it mustn't happen again. Please let us know in advance if you wish to change arrangements.' That's a very formal way of putting it: you will find your own words.

I would also support the nanny by giving clear instructions on what to do if this woman tries to do this again. Good luck.

Is the mother pumping milk for the toddler? That seems weird if the toddler is with her. Do mothers pump for toddlers? Or is there a baby in the reckoning too?

Does the woman need a place of safety and just grabs it where she can?

I thought so too.

Yes, this, and also I hear that indoor Blink cameras are really good.
It's totally not normal, it's clear that the woman waits for you to leave and then comes over. I wouldn't tell nanny and come back much earlier next time

I was thinking this. I have a 9 year old, and after school playdates are 4-7ish, weekend/school holiday ones might start a bit earlier but would still finish at 7ish unless it's her birthday sleepover.

I'm also thinking when does this 9 year old get a break amd spend good chunks of quality time with her parents. if she is doing clubs all day until early evening on weekend days. And school all week, which I suspect is a private school finishing later than usual schools.

I think a lot of posters are struggling to grasp the dynamics because it all seems a bit alien. I have a 9 year old DD and none of this relates to me AT ALL. Play dates that finish at 9pm?? What? That’s when I’m finally sitting down. My 9 year old is in bed by then. Nannies entertaining people in my house when I’m not there and paying for steak for other Mums…eh???

Why did she only mention it now? Or how did you find out?

I’m struggling to get my head round the timings and dynamics but I think it’s a case of this woman enjoying the Nanny’s company, coming round to yours for some chit-chat, a cuppa tea (the odd fillet steak!) and the toddler is entertained. Sounds like you have a nice set-up and she’s milking it. Play dates from 7pm-9pm are the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard though.

On a weekend, I want all kids (except for my own) to be evicted from my property by about 5pm.

So you spend pretty much all weekend 'out' and away from your child? I think the mum does sound a bit cheeky but you can't really blame her tbh. She's probably made friends with the nanny and is spending time at your, presumably very nice, house because you have given the impression that you aren't really very present and dont know or care what goes on.

I'm also an introvert, but when my child was younger I would still be present for weekend play dates with other mums, even when they went on until evening, because thats just what you do. Honestly its strange that you dont know the woman who spends this much time with your child/in your house. I dont think the solution is to spy on your nanny with cameras but maybe just be there and get to know your daughters friends and parents?

You ARE mean and greedy. As well as incredibly spoilt.
Why are rich people so tight-fisted? You have a nanny, FFS. You have a level of privilege most of us could never dream of and are whining on the internet because someone spent a couple of hours at your house without your "permission"?

The pumping was 6 months ago so presumably the younger child wasn’t with the mum that day and maybe wasn’t a toddler then either.

The OP doesn't seem to care about the fact that she doesn't get involved with her own childs social life, and leaves her with a nanny all weekend, its more that she doesn't want to pay for other childrens childcare. Its obviously normal in certain circles to just outsource any inconvenient or boring parts of being a parent to a nanny, and god forbid a poor person with a small home might take advantage 🙄

Know this is off topic, but my mind is slightly blown by people ordering steak as take out.

It sounds to me like she initially suggested having the playdates at yours...and then she rocks up and has a nice old time at your place on you.
This is CF territory for me.
I personally would be grateful that you are facilitating the playdates for my child and mortified to further take advantage of you if it were me. Not kicking back at your place while you aren't even there!

The steak purchase aside - would you have been happy if it was another nanny coming over rather than the mum?

FWIW - you seem rather happy to rage at your nanny, but terrified to upset your public image by berating the other mum. Sounds like you want your nanny to do the difficult conversation so you can then say, "oh goodness I certainly would not have said that" when all the mums found out.

Your poor nanny. Bet it's not in her JD to do this. She has been put in an awful situation by the other mum and you.

Extremely crass to post her wages/hours to try and justify your expectations that she has a shitty chat with another mum because you don't want to. Bteach of trust - this is very identifiable. I suspect she's scared of you based on the language you have used about her.

You sound like a family I worked for -- uber rich, watching every penny, entitled behaviour (after all you do pay your nanny a lot as you say...) and never there for their kids other than necessary public appearances with them.

Your nanny sounds like a good catch who was put in a difficult situation. You as her employer... not so much - I'd throw you back.

I wonder how much the children are controlling these late pick ups? The mother arrives at 7pm (reasonable time) to pick up and the girls are reluctant to end the play date, so push to stay longer etc. The nanny probably doesn’t care either way, plus it’s possibly easier as the older kids are entertaining each other etc. She is probably good with kids and so spent time playing with the toddler as the older ones were occupied.

Feels to me like everyone is uncomfortable in the situation, the mother probably just wants to pick up her daughter, go home and get the toddler into bed. The nanny doesn’t want to upset the child she’s looking after and you feel you’re being taken advantage of…

This mum is a CF, she invited her child round for these sleep overs/play dates and organised it all. She clearly just wanted to be able to nosy into @MyLuckyTiger 's lovely big house. I'd be wary of her. I'd absolutely stay home next time there is one of these play dates, give the nanny the night off, then when CF turns up, answer the door, and say "oh collecting Olivia already? I wasn't expecting you until 9pm!" Then call Olivia, tell her her Mum's here to collect, all whilst holding the front door so CF is still stood on the doorstep.

Long term, I'd reduce the frequency of the play dates, and ALWAYS be home for them, always following the keeping the mum on the doorstep whilst you call for Olivia to go now.

I would have a chat with the nanny, just to casually mention you've found out CF has been coming over just after you leave with her toddler and staying at your house etc., joining them on trips out, and you're uncomfortable with this as it was never agreed with the other mum for her to be in your home, and for you to pay for her food etc. Please do not blame the nanny for this, but just say that you don't want the CF mum to do this again, so ask her not to let this happen again. I'd actually apologise to the nanny for being in this position, tell her I'm sorry you've been put in this position, I'd had no idea that this was happening.

YY to this - the playdate is starting at 5.30/6pm and the mum has a younger child - I would have thought she'd prefer it to be done and dusted by 7,30pm at the latest!