AIBU for being upset my husband won't learn to drive?

[CrownedInFlame]

I drive and have done for 15 years, I had to force myself to learn (didn't want to) because our families live 200 miles away and it wasn't fair on my dad to drive up and pick us up so we could spend time with them.

He finally agreed to get his CBT last year and has been riding a scooter since but he refuses to take lessons saying it's scarier driving a car, I think it's scarier driving a bike however I've never tried so I can't say for sure.
I would really appreciate it if he would at least try some driving lessons because I think most people are nervous doing something they've never done before.

Someone crashed into my car, it wasn't awful but it really shook me and I'm now so nervous. I have some health issues that I know will get worse and later may not be able to drive, this will mean, with no other family around, I'll be a bit isolated and worried about getting to hospital and things like this as I wouldn't be able to get a bus. I could get taxi though but the cost would mount up. I wasn't trying to guilt him, it was more about expressing my worries.

If we don't drive, it'll make us isolated, difficult to see family, holidays etc.

I'm not telling him to get his full license, I'm just asking him to TRY. To take lessons and see if his confidence grows.

Most times I do think I'm being unreasonable, that I can't force someone to do something they don't want, and I know there are others out there in worst situations. I think going from being able to drive around to suddenly having to stop/reduce things would be hard for anyone.

It would be nice to be able to share the driving especially on long trips to see family etc.
I don't drive so that's never an issue, I'm fine being the designated driver.

I just feel so anxious driving at the moment and a little upset that it was me who HAD to learn to drive and then drive him around to everything.

Yes I like driving too cars, motorbikes, ATVs you name it. But I like the fact my husband can share long distance driving or take our daughter to an activity. As I said I think it’s important - I couldn’t do my job without it.

He sounds a bit pathetic. 🫢

So he's too scared to do it and you're annoyed because you're too scared to do it anymore?

You sound immature for suggesting nervous and non-drivers shouldn’t have children. I’ve heard it all now.

I absolutely could not be married to someone like him. What’s he “scared” of? It can’t be the traffic because he happily travels as a passenger on the same traffic on the same roads and uses a bike. It’s a pathetic excuse. If you’re a partnership you should be sharing the load for everything, including the driving. Is there anything else he’s scared of? Washing up? Hoovering? Caring for the children?

When did I say non drivers shouldn’t have children?

The immaturity I refer to isn’t about driving it’s about the fact that OP lives in an area that requires someone to drive and neither want to!

I have loads of friends that don’t drive but they live in Cities with brilliant transport and Uber!

Thankfully, my DH and I drive and we’ve taught our children to be confident drivers.

I have heard it all now 😂😂😂😂

I wouldn't marry somebody who chose not to learn to drive - a medical condition like lack of peripheral vision excepted. I might be old fashioned but give me a man who can drive, mow lawns, bury dead pets and deal with a rat problem without telling me about his mental health struggles. I am sorry but the sight of him tootling off on his little scooter being stupid enough to think it's safer than a car would bring a chill to my heart.

Plenty of people manage to live in rural areas despite not owning a car. I lived in a somewhat remote village when I was young, and there were a few families without a vehicle. I don't recall anyone suggesting that they were immature, shouldn't have children or had no business living there.

It be a deal breaker for me, as I be the one stuck doing all the pick ups etc.

I am sure your husband knows this.

This is what OP is saying though isn’t it? Isn’t this what OP’s thread is all about?

Whats OP’s problem with no one driving if everyone copes as-well as you say?

Nobody needs to drive then!

Is it immature to moan about a non issue as you say it is a non issue?

What’s your advice? OP you don’t know what you are talking about because neither you nor your DH needs to drive? Stop moaning?

My wife has severe anxiety, and cars are one of her biggest triggers. The cars themselves aren’t the problem—it’s the people driving them. People can be distracted, careless, and sometimes downright dangerous. So, we’ve adapted. Living in Florida, driving is almost unavoidable, but we chose a location where everything is close by, so we can keep driving to a minimum.
If you’re now facing health concerns that make driving difficult, know that your worry is valid. You’ll probably need to make changes to your lifestyle over time—but that’s true for all of us, no matter the cause. Life will always throw something our way; the key is to adapt and work around it.

Yep, this.

You don't give him lifts unless you're going to the same place, you don't ferry his family around. If you have kids, you divide all responsibility for getting them to places in half, and he will have to get taxis when it's his turn, or take them on the bus. You don't drive 200 miles to take him to see his family. You drive for YOU, and nothing more, until he takes some adult responsibility.

God only knows I understand the feeling of not wanting to drive. Absolutely! BUT, if you want the convenience of being able to get in a car and get to where you want to be, you have to learn, and that's that.

I don't know how to vote on this one.

When I met my now DH, he was incredulous I didn't drive. I'd tried at 17, and again and 19 but just hated it. It was only my mum who drove when I was growing up, and she was a very nervous driver after a horrible incident. My dad actually passed his test aged 56 and my brother has never had a lesson and he's 50.

DH went on about it a lot. I booked a lesson first went great, and the 2nd was so bad. He then suggested I use his old instructor. I stuck with it and bought a little car that DH would teach me in too. I failed my first test but passed on my 2nd. I was 27 and pregnant with DS1 by then.

I am so glad he encouraged me, particularly as we ended up moving out of a town. I don't love driving, but I'm more than competent. I learnt in a manual and I resisted getting an automatic for years, because it took me so long to pass. But i love automatic cars and I'd encourage my DC to learn in them, if they ever do (autistic and too anxious for my adult DC)

DH couldn't drive for a year due to being diagnosed with epilepsy. Thankfully he's been seizure-free and allowed to drive again. It was a hugely difficult time and being the only driver was tough.

But if he really won't do it you can't force him. You don't have to agree to holidays which involves a lot of driving, particularly abroad. If he's going to be a non-driver, he at least needs to be considerate and aware.

I wish you would stop editing your comments to add additional questions. Try to take your time, and get it all down the first time.

Can you please explain how people manage to live rurally with no car? I suppose the kids can get a school bus, so that's that. If someone worked from home, that could work, shopping delivered then maybe £50 on taxis each time you wanted to go to the nearest town for something.
I live rurally, no bus service, five miles to the nearest little shop, nine miles to a small town. I suppose the cost of taxis would be balanced against not having a car. It would be hugely inconvenient though. I don't know a single person without a car although this would be self selecting as you'd be mad to choose to live here without one.
And before anyone asks what I'll do when I can't drive. I plan to move before I'm near that stage.

🤣🤣🤣

So why can't you move if he not comfortable driving that up to him not you if you can't get around move closer find somewhere on the bus route etc driving not the be all and end all of life and you can walk to shop for a pint of milk use public transport and your kids will not be traumatised by walking to and from school or getting a school bus just make more sensible choices

Very mature. Enjoy your motorbike. I sincerely hope that you don’t become part of the statistics as then you may have to acknowledge them..

I guess it depends on where you live and how anxious he is about driving.

If you live very rurally, he is unreasonable and shouldn't have agreed to live in an isolated place if he cannot drive.

If where you live is not so isolated, I wouldn't learn to drive to mainly facilitate a relationship with your family, I am sure you can go by train/taxi to some places too.

Some people feel very anxious when driving (I am one on those!) And I would be shaky and could have a panic attack in the middle of the road, so it is good for everyone that I am not doing it! But I live in south London with reasonably good public transport to anywhere. With the money we save from not having a car, we can take plenty of taxis/ubers for those occasions when we miss having a car, but we don't even do that very often.i don't think we spend more than maybe £150 a year in taxis/ubers.

I think that most people who have a car then feel they 'need' it for all sorts and use it for things that it shouldn't be used at all, for example going to places that you could go walking in 15 minutes.

But of course it depends on the circumstances.

Stop driving him anywhere. It makes it easy to say no and snot bother when you are doing all the work.

no holiday in France where you have to drive 16 hours! No way that’s not a holiday for you. Make clear you will drive yourself and the kids but the fact he refuses to try means he doesn’t get chauffeured about!

This.

DP doesn’t drive - if experience with him on a bike is anything to go by it’s a good thing because he looks around rather than where he’s going, he’s crashed into the back of my bike while I’m waiting for him to catch up. So I have been the sole driver. Now I have health and mobility problems and am unable to drive we’re stuck. Two buses or a £40 round taxi trip to reach the hospital, longer waiting to see a GP because the surgery nearest to us is jam-packed. We’ve not been out anywhere for years, which is quite soul destroying. I’d do as others have suggested and stop using the car for a while (but keep the battery topped up) so that he feels the inconvenience and cost of relying on public transport.

Majority of people who don't takes that into considerations when deciding where to live. What was the agreement when you decided to live on location without proper public transportation in hospitals etc.? Did you agee that you'd drive or did he promise he would learn?

How in God's name do you know where they live or why they live there?