AIBU for being upset my husband won't learn to drive?

[CrownedInFlame]

I drive and have done for 15 years, I had to force myself to learn (didn't want to) because our families live 200 miles away and it wasn't fair on my dad to drive up and pick us up so we could spend time with them.

He finally agreed to get his CBT last year and has been riding a scooter since but he refuses to take lessons saying it's scarier driving a car, I think it's scarier driving a bike however I've never tried so I can't say for sure.
I would really appreciate it if he would at least try some driving lessons because I think most people are nervous doing something they've never done before.

Someone crashed into my car, it wasn't awful but it really shook me and I'm now so nervous. I have some health issues that I know will get worse and later may not be able to drive, this will mean, with no other family around, I'll be a bit isolated and worried about getting to hospital and things like this as I wouldn't be able to get a bus. I could get taxi though but the cost would mount up. I wasn't trying to guilt him, it was more about expressing my worries.

If we don't drive, it'll make us isolated, difficult to see family, holidays etc.

I'm not telling him to get his full license, I'm just asking him to TRY. To take lessons and see if his confidence grows.

Most times I do think I'm being unreasonable, that I can't force someone to do something they don't want, and I know there are others out there in worst situations. I think going from being able to drive around to suddenly having to stop/reduce things would be hard for anyone.

It would be nice to be able to share the driving especially on long trips to see family etc.
I don't drive so that's never an issue, I'm fine being the designated driver.

I just feel so anxious driving at the moment and a little upset that it was me who HAD to learn to drive and then drive him around to everything.

tbh, I would be concerned about his safety. When you say “scooter”, am I right in thinking you mean he’s restricted to anything below 125cc? If that’s the case, then he is massively underpowered for dealing with today’s traffic and this may be contributing to his nervousness about driving a car.

Does he feel vulnerable on the road? It may seem counter-intuitive, but it’s safer on a more powerful bike. I’d suggest pushing him to try learning in a small automatic car.

I just don’t want to have to act like someone’s mother and drive them around everywhere like a child.

It’s awful when one person doesn’t drive. I have been so resentful over the years at having all the burden of driving because DP couldn’t be arsed learning. He did have some lessons but disliked the driving instructors. All three of them🙄 Now he is on medication which excludes him from driving anyway. It has been utterly shit. I have told both my sons that driving is a life skill and they should at least learn, even if they rarely drive in the future. Having another person to do the odd run would have made such a difference.

I learned to drive before I was old enough to hold a UK licence. I’ve held full driving and motorbike licences since I was 17 and the medium classes of HGV/PSV for a sizeable part of my life. I wouldn’t be without it and sincerely hope that self driving cars are on stream before I have to stop driving.

I’ve never subscribed to the “life skill” nonsense about driving and LOLs at the idea that motorbikes are selfish, can only carry one person and can’t carry luggage!
If you live in a city the odds are the costs of a car will massively outweigh the benefits. I know families living further out who also choose not to run a car for environmental reasons and they accept that long trips will need a bit more planning and work than if they ran a car.

All that said, if you both wish to continue living in an area where public transport and taxi services are limited and DH also wants to benefit from the use of a private car for trips and holidays he needs to step up and do his share. If he isn’t willing to do this then you either need to move or he needs to organise the transport/luggage so that you can all travel without one person doing all the driving.

What stops him taking car lessons? Is it genuine fear or is it more “can’t be arsed”? If the former, then addressing the fear is needed, if the latter then a kick up the arse is needed.

One other point on the “life skills” tag - the last person I want to meet on the road is someone who passed their test 20 years ago and hasn’t been on the road much since.

It is not a “take it once, keep it for ever” skill - it needs regular use and practice, just like every other skill. If you are not going to use it regularly it has little to no value.

If both of you were able to drive it would make life easier however there are many people who drive who really shouldn’t, they are nervous, hesitant and wary on the roads, this causes accidents.

i didn’t learn to drive until was 26, I didn’t need to as we had good transport links and couldn’t have afforded a car anyway, but once I had my eldest I realised it would be easier if I could drive rather than just relying on dh.

People can't help what they find attractive in a person. I would never voice it aloud but would never find a man I had to ferry around like a giant toddler attractive.

Most young people don’t drive because they can’t afford lessons. Not everyone has their parents to pay for the lessons, car, tax. However, it sounds like OP’s husband is in his 30s or older so he should be driving by now.

People need to stop conflating two issues.

Not being able to drive because of a disability of some sort, or finding it harder than average (I have dyspraxia, I get it) is entirely different to someone not being arsed to learn to drive and relying on a partner to drive them every where.

If your adult partner couldn’t read or write, not because of a disability, but because they couldn’t be arsed learning, and they expect you to read everything for them all the time, you’d say sorry but this is a basic skill you require to live the life you’ve chosen so you need to learn it.

It is expensive and time consuming and why as parents we view it as a priority for our children to learn such a useful life skill.

I remember years ago lessons being a birthday present.

It is why some parents do it as early as possible so it will be done. It can be more difficult after children move out and away and have other bills and priorities like rent and holidays to pay.

I fully sympathise with single parents that didn't have that early help to do it.

But it explains why some of us believe it really is a great life skill to prioritise for your children,if you can afford to do so.

It is very time consuming and nerve-wracking at times.

Once you've got your licence you can take a refresher course if it's been a while, or just ease yourself back into it.

If its years since you have driven you don’t “just ease yourself back into it” without putting other road users at risk.

Refresher courses are as expensive as new driver courses around my way. May just as well wait until you have a use for driving and then learn.

The point is PPs are suggesting that someone who hasn’t driven since passing their test or in many years can just hop behind the wheel in an emergency. This is dangerous nonsense.

I passed my test a few years before I got my first car. I eased myself back in by spending a bit of time driving round local roads I knew well at quiet times and the local Tesco car park late on Sunday afternoon when the store was shut and there were almost no cars there. Yes, I did at some point have to get on to the roads. You can't really avoid that bit if you're driving. I didn't just go from 0 to bombing it down the motorway.

In a true emergency, though, you do sometimes have to do stuff you wouldn’t normally do. That's also not always avoidable.

Driving is a life skill. It’s amost a necessity in today’s world. I grew up with a mum who never learnt to drive and my dad did not like giving us lifts.
We were at the mercy of whether he was in a good enough mood to pick us up basically. Therefore I always associated driving with independence. I’m an anxious person and needed a LOT of lessons (no way would my dad ever take me out to practice!). I was rubbish for a long while but persevered and passed at 25. I love it now.

I have a male friend who never learnt to drive and won’t admit it’s important. He had a relationship end because he wouldn’t learn and he said ‘it’s like dumping someone because they can’t speak a foreign language’…bullshit. His dad has passed away and his mum is approaching being elderly and can’t drive and could really do with some help. He still won’t learn. He has the money, no medical issues or ties but just can’t be arsed. To me it’s selfish.
Everyone , bar medical conditions or disabilities, can learn to drive.

It might take your DH longer or he may need to learn in an automatic but he can learn. The saying a bike is safer is completely false. Surely it’s the other way round.

I agree with the pp who said start talk about moving house to call his bluff.
Do you know any local driving instructors who you could book him a taster lesson with?
Good luck Op x

If he can drive a scooter, he can easily learn to drive a car. If he is really so scared to drive a car ( laughable in the circumstances, given how much more dangerous driving a scooter is) maybe he should get CBT or something to deal with his irrational fear.
I suspect he doesn't want to have be the responsible one, maybe he likes to have a drink?
You could stop driving him places, though if he can get there on his scooter maybe that won't have much impact.
Are there other things he does to take the burden off you?

Driving a car is much more dangerous in terms of the damage you can do to other people.

I used to drive a scooter (until I ended up in A&E).

Not everyone wanted to be a passenger.

I would never put my child on the back (are you for real?).

You have to be more able-bodied to drive two wheels than four.

I challenge you to bring home groceries fit for a family on your motorbike. Do you have a side car?

Yes you can drive in the rain. Do you want to? Does your passenger? Is it as safe as driving in the rain in a car?

You’re being deliberately obtuse if you think that driving a motorbike is as safe as driving a car, for you or anyone else. It’s fun, if you’re responsible and you’re lucky you can go a lifetime without trouble. But give over trying to make out it’s as trouble-free as a car/taxi.

Riding a scooter is a piece of cake. Having cycled since early childhood, I mastered riding a scooter more or less immediately. It took me hours and hours of learning, with professional tuition, to get anywhere near that level of ability and confidence in a car. A scooter is small, so you always know where you are, to the millimetre, at all times, and you can jump off pretty much wherever and whenever you like.

Me neither. I don’t care if that makes me shallow. Shoot me now but a man needs to taller than me, decent in bed, and possess a full driving licence

Saying it looks odd to have a female driver and male passenger is sexism, no matter which way you slice it.

It might be sexist, but it’s still a fair point

So, if a man and woman are travelling somewhere by car, the man must always drive, and the opposite looks wrong? What the hell am I reading?

It’s bollocks.

Exactly, what a load of shite

I’m learning late in life. (Early 40s). It’s because I moved to a big city for university, stayed there and haven’t needed to drive a car. However, I may well leave the city in a few years so getting myself sorted driving now. I was talking to a friend who has done a move to a rural village and whose partner now has to drive her about and collect her like a child, or she must wait for country buses. It’s damaging her mental health and their relationship. I think in those circumstance where you ‘need’ to have a car, both partners should be able to step up, even if one of them is usually the ‘main’ driver. What if something happened to you?