AIBU for being upset my husband won't learn to drive?

[CrownedInFlame]

I drive and have done for 15 years, I had to force myself to learn (didn't want to) because our families live 200 miles away and it wasn't fair on my dad to drive up and pick us up so we could spend time with them.

He finally agreed to get his CBT last year and has been riding a scooter since but he refuses to take lessons saying it's scarier driving a car, I think it's scarier driving a bike however I've never tried so I can't say for sure.
I would really appreciate it if he would at least try some driving lessons because I think most people are nervous doing something they've never done before.

Someone crashed into my car, it wasn't awful but it really shook me and I'm now so nervous. I have some health issues that I know will get worse and later may not be able to drive, this will mean, with no other family around, I'll be a bit isolated and worried about getting to hospital and things like this as I wouldn't be able to get a bus. I could get taxi though but the cost would mount up. I wasn't trying to guilt him, it was more about expressing my worries.

If we don't drive, it'll make us isolated, difficult to see family, holidays etc.

I'm not telling him to get his full license, I'm just asking him to TRY. To take lessons and see if his confidence grows.

Most times I do think I'm being unreasonable, that I can't force someone to do something they don't want, and I know there are others out there in worst situations. I think going from being able to drive around to suddenly having to stop/reduce things would be hard for anyone.

It would be nice to be able to share the driving especially on long trips to see family etc.
I don't drive so that's never an issue, I'm fine being the designated driver.

I just feel so anxious driving at the moment and a little upset that it was me who HAD to learn to drive and then drive him around to everything.

Could he have a beginner lesson at a track? Then he would feel safe and see if he could do it
something like
New Starter Driving Experience

@CrownedInFlame dont see the point of getting him to do his cbt! not unless you are happy to nip to hospital appointments or up to scotland on the back of a moped!! get him learning properly before it is too late!! our friend never learned and he had to rely on everyone else or his wife to drive him all over. that was ok till his wife became ill and he was kinda stuck!!! we live in a village with a rubbish bus service if it runs at all and no buses on a sunday!!! he didnt work locally and he had hobby sport which was in the town! he could not have even carried his kit on the bus!

You are obviously someone who is blissfully unaware of just how dangerous riding a motorbike is. Riding along at 70mph, completely unprotected by your vehicle - what could possibly go wrong?! The motorbike injuries and countless lives I’ve seen totally changed by them over the years speak for themselves.

More like a small man’s y-fronts

This. Get him to learn in an automatic and change the car

I agree, nor would I

If I was in your shoes I would also give up driving, make whatever excuse you like🤷🏻‍♀️

Neither of you can force the other to drive but I wouldn't let him have the benefit of my driving if he wasn't prepared to do something in return.

Maybe you need to have a different conversation and see how that goes. Talk to him about the need to move somewhere with better public transport. I don't know how old your DC are but they will need to be able to have some independence and you can't always be the taxi. Also a necessary move if your health will make driving difficult. I would also think about always being available to drive. Be busy/unable to sometimes and let him see the reality.

I think driving is a life skill- like reading, swimming, basic first aid. I can not imagine being in a relationship with a none driver. Obviously medical issues aside but a healthy adult should be able to do this. I would hate not to drive.

Lots of families manage without a car. We did for a few years and my DHs family are at the other side of the country. We never expected them to pick us up, we got the train. We got taxis to go on holiday and used busses for trips at a distance whilst on holiday but mainly stuck in the local area. I think YABU to expect him to learn to drive when he doesn't want to.

The risk is to other people.

If you had a gap of a number of years before driving after your test, then like it or not by going out unsupervised you were putting others at risk. Accidents happen in side roads (especially to children). Traffic and even the rules change regularly, your experience will be out of date.

In a true emergency, though, you do sometimes have to do stuff you wouldn’t normally do

Again, its not about you - its about the risk you pose to other people.

It never ceases to amaze me how on MN apparently everyone “old” should be stopped from driving but someone who has deskilled by not driving in a decade is just fine to get out on the roads and put lives at risk.

If you want to be able to drive, practice regularly. If you don’t practice regularly then pay for professional retraining.

I haven't said anything about stopping older people from driving. And I thought it was so obvious that you drive safely in order to protect yourself and other people that it didn't need to be said.

Cars exist, they're legal, they're necessary for our lives. Even if you don't drive yourself, you still rely on others to do it to provide the goods and services you need to live (and if anyone starts trying to gotcha me with totally self sufficient people who grow their own food, build their own houses, grow their own cotton to make their own clothes, make their own penicillin and perform their own surgery, I'm going to buy the biggest, ugliest gas guzzling environmental nightmare there is for my next car and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT).

There will sometimes be times you're rusty on your driving, in which case you have several options available to brush up on it. If you have 500 reasons why none of those are possible, well, sucks to be you, I guess. If it's an emergency and you haven't driven for 30 years then I guess you have to make a call at the time, depending on the situation, as to what's going to be riskier, driving or not driving. If you have a licence, you have an additional option in the emergency and the more potential solutions you have in a dire situation, the better.

I’m amazed at people saying it’s fine that OP’s partner won’t learn to drive. I was a late learner (mid-30s) and passed before my husband, who finally passed at 45. Until then, I was always the designated driver—even driving him to the station with Covid, in tears from feeling so ill.

Driving has opened up more hobbies and places to go, even living near a train station. Sure, taxis and Ubers work if you’ve got the money, but before I learnt I still relied on lifts from others. Now I’m glad to repay the favour.

It’s selfish not to even try. Yes, partners can contribute in other ways, but driving isn’t comparable—you can be a bad cook or prefer not to but at least you can feed yourself or the other person if you needed to. If you don't have a driving license then you can't contribute, and that's not fair.

So many replies on here seem to be wilfully missing the point in order to say the OP is wrong. Yes it may be possible to live a fulfilling, easy life with a partner who doesn't drive, but those are not the OP's circumstances. Yes it is the case that some people really shouldn't be driving as they're completely shit at it, but given the OP's husband hasn't even tried we've no idea if he's one of them (and he is on the road anyway so he can't be totally incompetent). Yes the OP could rearrange her entire life to make it not so inconvenient that her husband refuses to drive, but by far the best solution is for the useless man-baby to learn to bloody drive like tens of millions of other people manage to do.

I seem to be a non-driver who doesn't meet most of the stereotypes in this thread so I'll explain a few things.

I don't not drive because I'm scared, I don't drive because I live in a city and have always lived in one. My mum didn't drive which maybe normalised it for me. When I was pregnant, I learned to drive and was okay-ish I think, but didn't manage to pass my test and haven't had lessons since. Part of the reason I haven't is because the dire warnings people gave me of how horrendous it would be to have kids and not drive... never came to pass. And this isn't because I take advantage of my husband! I get public transport, I walk, I uber when I need to.

The main reason I haven't learned to drive is because I have a huge job that leaves me very little time and what free time I have I want to spend with my family, friends and hobbies. My job has enabled me to earn enough money to pay off our mortgage and hopefully retire early in a few years, so the idea that I'm contributing nothing to my household whilst being driven around 'like a giant toddler' is absolute nonsense. I never expect anyone to give me lifts anywhere, i literally never ask friends for lifts. Sometimes my husband drives us places obviously, but if he feels like drinking, we get public transport or an uber.

I never intended to not drive but it has just happened and it has unexpected upsides. I think it keeps me fitter and healthier as I walk so much and my kids the same. Our nearest cinema is a half hour walk away so if I'm taking the kids, we walk there and back. If I drove, I'm sure I'd drive them more often. I notice their friends often whine about having to walk long distances in a way that they do not.

My mum is now approaching 80 and, having never driven, confidently gets planes, trains and buses to take her wherever she wants to go. Whereas I notice that older people who have once driven and now don't... have no confidence to get around the world by themselves and often end up being 'collected' and driven to the supermarket etc by their children.

Obviously I am a woman not a man, which seems to be the focus of this thread, but I am pretty shocked by the sexism directed at a man who can't drive. I guess we can't help who we're attracted to, but it seems an odd thing to make an essential, given how hard it can be to find your perfect person. The fact that my husband is a good driver has absolutely no bearing on how much I love him (or fancy him).

My DH doesn't have a drivers' license and tbh it doesn't bother me because:

• He never, ever asks for lifts. We live in a big city and he'll take buses, trains or an uber.
• I get the car to myself whenever I want and never have to share.
• I don't drive anywhere I don't want to go, ie his relatives, who are bloody miles away. He doesn't argue because I just say no, that's too far for me to drive. End of.

Sometimes if we're on a long journey I'd like to share the driving but we have very young kids and they are appalling passengers so we hardly ever do long journeys by road. My rule is trains or planes, or we don't go.

You are being ridiculous. Just because you would hate not to drive it doesn't mean that everyone feels the same. Neither of us drive, we have more than enough life skills. We mange fine without, kids have hobbies, we travel widely, visit family who live 200 miles away etc etc. Cars may be more convenient for certain journeys but not everyone needs to be reliant on a car ... just because you are.

I love driving so would be perfectly happy to be married to a non driver.

🤣🤣🤣

ridiculous!

We actually ride!!
Wear specific clothes!!

totally agree!

A few posters on here need to get their heads out of their asses!!

Oh give over !! 🤣🤣

Yep, wouldn’t be with /date a man who doesn’t know how to drive, let alone marry him. Saying that, I think you have to take some responsibility as you chose to marry a man who couldn’t drive. I don’t think you can complain after the fact, seeing as you chose to continue with him.

There is no amount of specific clothing that is going to prevent you from a catastrophic spinal injury. No orthopaedic or neurosurgeon that I know would ever touch a motorbike which speaks volumes.

Sorry, but you another one who can’t understand that the cost of learning to drive, and the upkeep of a car makes it impossible for some people?

I can’t drive because I simply could never afford lessons or the expense of owning a car. I get buses or taxis everywhere, despite disabilities. I never ask anyone for lifts. The only time was to ask my parents for a lift to and from a family funeral, the crematorium is a long walk from the bus stop, and I was told no, I wasn’t even asking for a lift home, just from the crem to the hotel for the wake, but it was a flat no. I’ve never asked for any lifts any other time.

Ok but I still think driving is an important life skill that is often required for many jobs and many activities in life. I like scuba diving - so I can’t imagine doing that whilst trying to cart my equipment on public transport. And I would not date someone who couldn’t drive as its limits what we could do.