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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being upset my husband won't learn to drive?

179 replies

CrownedInFlame · 08/08/2025 14:23

I drive and have done for 15 years, I had to force myself to learn (didn't want to) because our families live 200 miles away and it wasn't fair on my dad to drive up and pick us up so we could spend time with them.

He finally agreed to get his CBT last year and has been riding a scooter since but he refuses to take lessons saying it's scarier driving a car, I think it's scarier driving a bike however I've never tried so I can't say for sure.
I would really appreciate it if he would at least try some driving lessons because I think most people are nervous doing something they've never done before.

Someone crashed into my car, it wasn't awful but it really shook me and I'm now so nervous. I have some health issues that I know will get worse and later may not be able to drive, this will mean, with no other family around, I'll be a bit isolated and worried about getting to hospital and things like this as I wouldn't be able to get a bus. I could get taxi though but the cost would mount up. I wasn't trying to guilt him, it was more about expressing my worries.

If we don't drive, it'll make us isolated, difficult to see family, holidays etc.

I'm not telling him to get his full license, I'm just asking him to TRY. To take lessons and see if his confidence grows.

Most times I do think I'm being unreasonable, that I can't force someone to do something they don't want, and I know there are others out there in worst situations. I think going from being able to drive around to suddenly having to stop/reduce things would be hard for anyone.

It would be nice to be able to share the driving especially on long trips to see family etc.
I don't drive so that's never an issue, I'm fine being the designated driver.

I just feel so anxious driving at the moment and a little upset that it was me who HAD to learn to drive and then drive him around to everything.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 09/08/2025 08:57

MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/08/2025 08:10

Sexist rubbish.

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Isn’t it just? Unmanly indeed! Talk about sexist stereotyping.

I don’t want even more incompetent drivers on the road, they’re doing us all a favour by not driving. If you need to get to A&E you get a taxi or call an ambulance - just like all those pensioners who MN is so keen on forcing off the roads.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/08/2025 08:59

ThatCyanCat · 09/08/2025 08:50

how would you all feel if a load of men said they’d never marry a woman who couldn’t cook?

Loads of men say they'd never date anyone who's not a 25 year old size 8 stunner, a much rarer species than drivers. I get over it. Everyone who's able should be able to knock up a few simple meals anyway.

Being the sole driver with young children and older parents and a full life, because my life partner refused to learn, would absolutely infuriate me.

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Loads of women say they’d never date anyone shorter, or who earned less, than them. Virtually anyone can assemble a simple meal. Driving a motor vehicle is vastly more complex and risky. Despite prevailing MN ‘wisdom’, many humans simply don’t have the ability to master this skill at all, or sufficiently well to past the driving test.

Sirzy · 09/08/2025 09:00

LakieLady · 09/08/2025 08:15

That's a very different thing to refusing to learn though.

You can drive, and if there was ever an urgent need to do so, eg if your OH broke a wrist or something a long way from home, you could drive the car and passengers back.

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You would want someone to drive, in a situation that was already possibly stressful, that knew they were an unsafe driver? Why? That makes no sense.

I can’t imagine not being able to drive but I think if more people stopped and said “actually driving isn’t for me” or “I am no longer safe to drive” the roads would be much safer.

Boredlass · 09/08/2025 09:02

You can’t make him and I don’t want any reluctant drivers on the road. Not everyone needs to drive

MascaraGirl · 09/08/2025 09:02

Many years ago I refused to date someone who didn’t drive. It completely emasculated him, in my opinion. I got annihilated on MN for this. But now, do you all think I had a point????

MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/08/2025 09:06

MascaraGirl · 09/08/2025 09:02

Many years ago I refused to date someone who didn’t drive. It completely emasculated him, in my opinion. I got annihilated on MN for this. But now, do you all think I had a point????

No, I don’t regard the ability to operate a certain type of machine as an indicator of masculinity.

ThatCyanCat · 09/08/2025 09:06

MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/08/2025 08:59

Loads of women say they’d never date anyone shorter, or who earned less, than them. Virtually anyone can assemble a simple meal. Driving a motor vehicle is vastly more complex and risky. Despite prevailing MN ‘wisdom’, many humans simply don’t have the ability to master this skill at all, or sufficiently well to past the driving test.

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Fine, but I won't be marrying any of them.

(Before the mass sobbing begins, I'm already married so you hordes of heartbroken suitors have not lost anything.)

I found it hard to learn, I had to take the test more than once and it was a long time before I felt properly confident. But at this stage of the game, with the life we have, if I had to be the sole driver because my husband refused to learn, wouldn't even try, I'd be enraged. If you don't drive but it's no issue for your partner, that's fine, it's between you guys. You don't need to justify yourself to me. I doubt you and I will ever date.

PollyBell · 09/08/2025 09:07

MascaraGirl · 09/08/2025 09:02

Many years ago I refused to date someone who didn’t drive. It completely emasculated him, in my opinion. I got annihilated on MN for this. But now, do you all think I had a point????

No, I dont drive ny husband does to me male or female it is a choice I want people on the road who want to be there

There are plenty women who dont drive why is it different for a man? And no I would have no issue if my husband chose not to drive

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/08/2025 09:09

My parents didn't drive, I don't drive my partner doesn't drive. We live in a city with good transport links and our kids have never missed out on activities, holidays or anything else. It maybe a life skill but it isn't an essential one.

doodleschnoodle · 09/08/2025 09:10

A grown man who has never learned to drive (not who can’t drive for health reasons etc obviously but has just never bothered to learn) would be a major turn-off for sure. Especially if he was also titting around on a motorbike or something. I’m not spending the next 30+ years of my life ferrying him and children around the place and always being the designated driver, always having to live close to public transport so he can get anywhere on his own, having to do all the driving on holidays, etc. Not for me!

MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/08/2025 09:10

ThatCyanCat · 09/08/2025 09:06

Fine, but I won't be marrying any of them.

(Before the mass sobbing begins, I'm already married so you hordes of heartbroken suitors have not lost anything.)

I found it hard to learn, I had to take the test more than once and it was a long time before I felt properly confident. But at this stage of the game, with the life we have, if I had to be the sole driver because my husband refused to learn, wouldn't even try, I'd be enraged. If you don't drive but it's no issue for your partner, that's fine, it's between you guys. You don't need to justify yourself to me. I doubt you and I will ever date.

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Um, you seem to be confusing me with a non-driving man.

ThatCyanCat · 09/08/2025 09:12

MascaraGirl · 09/08/2025 09:02

Many years ago I refused to date someone who didn’t drive. It completely emasculated him, in my opinion. I got annihilated on MN for this. But now, do you all think I had a point????

It would ick me, just as it would ick me if he couldn't deal with spiders or do basic DIY. I wouldn't think he was a terrible person, it wouldn't stop me being friends with him or socialising with him or hiring him (unless the job required driving) but it would potentially put me off dating him. Perhaps I could get over it if there was context but it would not be romantically or sexually appealing.

I realise this means I may miss out on dating some absolutely incredible, fabulous man but I'm already happily married and will never marry again so it's a risk I'm willing to take.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 09/08/2025 09:12

It’s absolutely ridiculous for him to refuse to learn to drive because it’s ‘scary’ if he’s happy to get in a car and have you drive. If you’re scared of crashing surely that fear should translate to being a passenger. Only being scared to have to be the driver when you’re happy to be driven around screams laziness, not anxiety. I would stop driving him anywhere until he pulls his finger out.

ThatCyanCat · 09/08/2025 09:13

MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/08/2025 09:10

Um, you seem to be confusing me with a non-driving man.

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I thought you were a non driving woman.

DreamyRedNewt · 09/08/2025 09:17

I guess it depends on where you live and how anxious he is about driving.

If you live very rurally, he is unreasonable and shouldn't have agreed to live in an isolated place if he cannot drive.

If where you live is not so isolated, I wouldn't learn to drive to mainly facilitate a relationship with your family, I am sure you can go by train/taxi to some places too.

Some people feel very anxious when driving (I am one on those!) And I would be shaky and could have a panic attack in the middle of the road, so it is good for everyone that I am not doing it! But I live in south London with reasonably good public transport to anywhere. With the money we save from not having a car, we can take plenty of taxis/ubers for those occasions when we miss having a car, but we don't even do that very often.i don't think we spend more than maybe £150 a year in taxis/ubers.

I think that most people who have a car then feel they 'need' it for all sorts and use it for things that it shouldn't be used at all, for example going to places that you could go walking in 15 minutes.

But of course it depends on the circumstances.

RosesAndHellebores · 09/08/2025 09:31

ThatCyanCat · 09/08/2025 09:12

It would ick me, just as it would ick me if he couldn't deal with spiders or do basic DIY. I wouldn't think he was a terrible person, it wouldn't stop me being friends with him or socialising with him or hiring him (unless the job required driving) but it would potentially put me off dating him. Perhaps I could get over it if there was context but it would not be romantically or sexually appealing.

I realise this means I may miss out on dating some absolutely incredible, fabulous man but I'm already happily married and will never marry again so it's a risk I'm willing to take.

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DH couldn't drive when we met and he was 28ish. He had little or no desire to although we were living close to Central London. The deal breaker was when I refused to come off the pill if he didn't because no way was I going to to hospital in a taxi in labour.

He remains, 32 years later a reluctant driver but accepts it has in almost every way made his life easier.

Disappointedinpartner · 09/08/2025 09:33

YANBU I am in the same situation with my partner and it's driving me mad. Admittedly I put it off until later life myself too but when I got pregnant and we decided to move from our city centre apartment to the suburbs I decided it was time to learn and just cracked on with it!
I've been trying to let him do it in his own time but he's made no moves to and now I've started bringing it up. If he doesn't I think it will ultimately be the death knell for our relationship and tbh me having to nag him in the first place rather than him just stepping up and doing what is needed for his family has made me loose a lot of respect for him

cannyvalley · 09/08/2025 09:39

I didn’t learn how to drive until my late 30’s. My partner learned a few years before me and despite me trying not to expect lifts etc … it clearly became unfair that only one of us drove. Lifts to work would be 20 mins rather than an hour on the bus, getting the shopping in, driving to and from holidays… it all adds up!

When I learned how to drive I realised how annoying it is when non drivers just expect drivers to pick up the slack (myself, pre driving, included)

I know a few couples with only one driver and it’s a clear imbalance.

I think if the non drivers is 100% committed to it being a fair and equal how much they pitch in, like always getting public transport, always doing fair share of shopping etc on bus, always arranging transport for needed travel (save or Buget for taxis etc) then it’s better, but still annoying and a complication for a family to only have one driver. I think about emergencies and also your situation where family live far away.

then again I’ve known families that have never had a driver or access to a car, and rely entirely on public transport. And that works for them.

it’s a tricky one. I guess you can’t force someone to learn to drive but it seems that if they are happy driving a scooter (way more dangerous!) then I view that as more that they can’t be arsed to contribute to the family load of driving rather than being a nervous driver.

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 09/08/2025 09:44

LoyalMember · 08/08/2025 14:38

An adult with no disabilities or conditions should absolutely be able to drive. It's a life skill that you need in this day and age.

No, you don't. Depends on where you live, obviously.
Some people can get about fine without being able to drive (including me.)

Doyouknowdanieltiger · 09/08/2025 09:45

He just wants to be a passenger princess op 🤣

Make him walk

londongirl12 · 09/08/2025 09:48

It would give me the biggest ick if my DH didn’t drive (not for a medical reason).

CandidRaven · 09/08/2025 09:50

CeeJay81 · 08/08/2025 15:29

I find it awful this attitude on mumsnet that you are useless if you can't drive. Spme people just struggle to learn.

Due to mental health and possibly adhd, I didn't learn to drive till my 40s(recently). Thank goodness for automatics. I don't mind actually driving now but I don't like other drivers, so dont drive long distances, just fairly local. The roads are so scary these days and people are always in a hurry. Surely it's scarier to drive a Scooter than a Car though. Auto is the way to go. So you can concentrate fully on the road, less to remember to do at once.

I agree with this, surely someone with anxiety around driving is much less safe to drive anyway? I don't drive because I have severe anxiety, it would be a nightmare for me getting behind the wheel of a car when I'm shaking with nerves and it would make it dangerous for everyone, I also struggle with having to do multiple things at once, so being in charge of a car while also looking at the road and paying attention to everything would be so hard for me

BIossomtoes · 09/08/2025 09:53

londongirl12 · 09/08/2025 09:48

It would give me the biggest ick if my DH didn’t drive (not for a medical reason).

It would give me the biggest ick if I was with someone as shallow as this.

ThatCyanCat · 09/08/2025 10:03

BIossomtoes · 09/08/2025 09:53

It would give me the biggest ick if I was with someone as shallow as this.

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You two are another unlikely couple, so I don't think it matters either way.

Finteq · 09/08/2025 10:12

Why are you driving him places??

Stop driving him places that would reduce the burden on you a lot.