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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being upset my husband won't learn to drive?

179 replies

CrownedInFlame · 08/08/2025 14:23

I drive and have done for 15 years, I had to force myself to learn (didn't want to) because our families live 200 miles away and it wasn't fair on my dad to drive up and pick us up so we could spend time with them.

He finally agreed to get his CBT last year and has been riding a scooter since but he refuses to take lessons saying it's scarier driving a car, I think it's scarier driving a bike however I've never tried so I can't say for sure.
I would really appreciate it if he would at least try some driving lessons because I think most people are nervous doing something they've never done before.

Someone crashed into my car, it wasn't awful but it really shook me and I'm now so nervous. I have some health issues that I know will get worse and later may not be able to drive, this will mean, with no other family around, I'll be a bit isolated and worried about getting to hospital and things like this as I wouldn't be able to get a bus. I could get taxi though but the cost would mount up. I wasn't trying to guilt him, it was more about expressing my worries.

If we don't drive, it'll make us isolated, difficult to see family, holidays etc.

I'm not telling him to get his full license, I'm just asking him to TRY. To take lessons and see if his confidence grows.

Most times I do think I'm being unreasonable, that I can't force someone to do something they don't want, and I know there are others out there in worst situations. I think going from being able to drive around to suddenly having to stop/reduce things would be hard for anyone.

It would be nice to be able to share the driving especially on long trips to see family etc.
I don't drive so that's never an issue, I'm fine being the designated driver.

I just feel so anxious driving at the moment and a little upset that it was me who HAD to learn to drive and then drive him around to everything.

OP posts:
Milliejacksonhouseforsale · 09/08/2025 08:01

beAsensible1 · 08/08/2025 15:15

ridiculous. Clearly you need to be somewhere that has better transport links so you can use public transport.
the fact that you are both nervous about cars but live in an area that requires one is stupid.

obviously he should learn to drive but if he is too nervous it’s not going to happen and he’d likely be a danger on the road. You are nervous about driving so you want the other nervous person to drive instead. It’s a losing strategy.

you have to adjust your lifestyle to be less car reliant. I’m not that fussed about driving even though I have car but I also choose to cycle or train on the days I’m not up for it.

can you not sit on the back of the scooter?

the older you are learning to drive the more nerve wracking it is. I can see why he just doesn’t bother.

He's only done his CBT he would need to do full bike test to carry pillion passenger and that also allows a more powerful bike/scooter.

billysboy · 09/08/2025 08:02

I have a young man who works for me for the last 18months that has refused to take lessons to learn how to drive despite me offering to pay for them
I am sick of picking him up and organising other work around his lack of driving so he will be sacked next week

Slobberchops1 · 09/08/2025 08:04

So it’s ok for you to be nervous of driving but not him? Ok . It’s not ok for you to be the “ chauffeur “. But you fully expect him to run you around in the future ? Stinks of double standards

you just need to move somewhere with better public transport

hattie43 · 09/08/2025 08:07

There’s something unmanly about a bloke refusing to drive . It’s not practical, what if you needed to rush to A & E for example . I had a friend whose BF didn’t drive and she ferried him around , he looked just odd in the passenger seat . It’s a right of passage that people drive surely .

DaisyChain505 · 09/08/2025 08:07

I never understand why people live rurally or out of the way when they can’t drive. You’re making life so difficult for yourself.

I couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t drive. It would be a deal breaker. I don’t want the responsibility of an extra man child who needs me to take them everywhere and can never share the responsibility load of driving and getting places.

ThatCyanCat · 09/08/2025 08:09

Having to be the sole driver all the time, with the reason being because my husband refused to learn, would absolutely infuriate me.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/08/2025 08:10

hattie43 · 09/08/2025 08:07

There’s something unmanly about a bloke refusing to drive . It’s not practical, what if you needed to rush to A & E for example . I had a friend whose BF didn’t drive and she ferried him around , he looked just odd in the passenger seat . It’s a right of passage that people drive surely .

Sexist rubbish.

LakieLady · 09/08/2025 08:15

AdayinDecember · 08/08/2025 14:45

That is such rubbish. I don't drive (although I did pass my test at 19) because I am rubbish at it. I am shaky, I dither, I have very poor spatial awareness. I don't have any "conditions", I am just a bad driver. I'm great at many things, driving happens to be something I am bad at. Do you really want me on the road?

Show quote history

That's a very different thing to refusing to learn though.

You can drive, and if there was ever an urgent need to do so, eg if your OH broke a wrist or something a long way from home, you could drive the car and passengers back.

RandomMess · 09/08/2025 08:15

Seriously it’s a major issue because of where you live so move.

DH doesn’t drive anymore and it’s irritating but we manage fine because we considered public transport when we bought our houses.

DorothyStorm · 09/08/2025 08:17

Does not driving akso mean he doesnt facilitate the children’s hobbies? Do the food shopping? Pop out to the shop when things are needed? Take children to their friends’ houses? Pets to the vet? Or is he still taking equal responsibility but using taxis?

my cousin’s partner wont learn to drive. He uses it to be a gobshite. And when he is forced to participate in adult life, like go to a shop, he uses my cousin’s uber account.

what is his attitude to family life / household responsibilities like generally? Is he an equal adult in the house?

Indianajet · 09/08/2025 08:19

I don't drive - my middle son doesn't either, and there is nothing 'unmanly' about him - how judgemental! Some of us are better keeping off the roads - I have poor spatial awareness, can't tell left from right and have poor eyesight. My late husband and I were a team - no way would he refuse me a lift somewhere. Now I use buses/taxis and family members are happy to take me to hospital appointments- we work as a family, playing to our strengths.

Disturbia81 · 09/08/2025 08:20

Can you imagine if everyone was on the road? The country is full of non drivers, if each of them started driving the roads would be constantly gridlocked, no parking etc

ThatCyanCat · 09/08/2025 08:21

Disturbia81 · 09/08/2025 08:20

Can you imagine if everyone was on the road? The country is full of non drivers, if each of them started driving the roads would be constantly gridlocked, no parking etc

A lot of them would be sharing cars with existing drivers and a lot wouldn't have cars. I passed my test several years before I got my own car.

Frecklebaby · 09/08/2025 08:21

Putting aside your partner not driving, maybe you should consider moving to a different location with more amenities nearby if you have health problems that will prevent you driving in future. (pharmacy, corner shop, park, school within walking distance if needed.) This is how I manage.

Marmalade71 · 09/08/2025 08:24

Do you live in central London?
Does he have a significant medical issue which means he wouldn’t get a licence?
If not he needs to be an adult and learn.
I will be honest and say you both sound a bit wet (sorry) but he sounds a complete baby.

WellIquitelikesprouts · 09/08/2025 08:25

I can’t drive for medical reasons and for this reason have always lived in towns with good enough public transport
for the journeys I need to make regularly . I walk more than most drivers I know which had been good for my health. It’s OK to choose not to drive but very unfair keep expecting your partner to. Can’t OP visit her parents by train?

LakieLady · 09/08/2025 08:25

billysboy · 09/08/2025 08:02

I have a young man who works for me for the last 18months that has refused to take lessons to learn how to drive despite me offering to pay for them
I am sick of picking him up and organising other work around his lack of driving so he will be sacked next week

Every job I've had since the late 80s has been an "essential car user" job. Even my local government "desk jobs" required it, because I had to go out to meetings in a rural county where it wasn't feasible to go by public transport.

Not being able to drive restricts your employment opportunities as well as day to day stuff.

Hertsmum78 · 09/08/2025 08:25

Absolutely baffled by some of the comments on here. I don’t drive (never have, always lived in cities) and to be fair, I do agree that if you don’t drive, you need to live somewhere with v good public transport.

But apart from that, everyone has different skills and makes different contributions to a family. Yes, my husband can drive but I earn more than four times his salary and have paid off our mortgage. I also play a bigger role in managing our family finances. My husband does more cooking. And so on.

I don’t expect to be driven everywhere and get lots of Ubers and other taxis.

I find the sexism on this thread quite shocking - how would you all feel if a load of men said they’d never marry a woman who couldn’t cook? Different people live different kinds of lives.

WaltzingWaters · 09/08/2025 08:30

I wouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t drive (but then again we do live in the countryside and need to drive a lot, I may feel differently living in a city with good public transport).
I wouldn’t be driving him anywhere until he agrees to learn.

LakieLady · 09/08/2025 08:33

BrendaSmall · 09/08/2025 07:42

Obv someone who has never ridden a motorbike!

You can go shopping, you can ride 12 months of the year!!
The only danger on the road is car drivers!!
Only difference being you can’t take passengers!!!

Driving isn’t for everyone!!!

Edited
Show quote history

You can take a passenger - I used to love going out on the bike with my late DP, and I really miss it.

And for those who think they're dangerous, he rode regularly for 43 years and, apart from a few spills when he was first riding, only had one accident in all that time, which is remarkable given that he was a bike courier riding full time for at least 15 years.

cheercaptain · 09/08/2025 08:34

He won’t learn to drive if you continue in your role as the designated driver. While he may still not feel comfortable sharing the longer drives to visit family - since not everyone enjoys that kind of driving - at least he would be driving himself, and occasionally both of you.

Chipotlego · 09/08/2025 08:38

The fact he wont even try lessons and that hes perfectly comfortable driving himself around on a vehicle that by every metric is more dangerous than a car is what would annoy me. If he had tried and still struggled then at least thats something, hes simply not bothered is he. He will be less bothered now he has some freedom to get himself places.

Ginmonkeyagain · 09/08/2025 08:41

I ko d of admore him for admitting he won't be a good driver. Frankly life would be a lot better and easier if more people admjtted to themselves they shouldn't drive. There are some absolutely shocking drivers out there.

ThatCyanCat · 09/08/2025 08:50

Hertsmum78 · 09/08/2025 08:25

Absolutely baffled by some of the comments on here. I don’t drive (never have, always lived in cities) and to be fair, I do agree that if you don’t drive, you need to live somewhere with v good public transport.

But apart from that, everyone has different skills and makes different contributions to a family. Yes, my husband can drive but I earn more than four times his salary and have paid off our mortgage. I also play a bigger role in managing our family finances. My husband does more cooking. And so on.

I don’t expect to be driven everywhere and get lots of Ubers and other taxis.

I find the sexism on this thread quite shocking - how would you all feel if a load of men said they’d never marry a woman who couldn’t cook? Different people live different kinds of lives.

how would you all feel if a load of men said they’d never marry a woman who couldn’t cook?

Loads of men say they'd never date anyone who's not a 25 year old size 8 stunner, a much rarer species than drivers. I get over it. Everyone who's able should be able to knock up a few simple meals anyway.

Being the sole driver with young children and older parents and a full life, because my life partner refused to learn, would absolutely infuriate me.

ThatCyanCat · 09/08/2025 08:54

billysboy · 09/08/2025 08:02

I have a young man who works for me for the last 18months that has refused to take lessons to learn how to drive despite me offering to pay for them
I am sick of picking him up and organising other work around his lack of driving so he will be sacked next week

Was driving listed as an essential skill for the job?