AIBU for being upset my husband won't learn to drive?

[CrownedInFlame]

I drive and have done for 15 years, I had to force myself to learn (didn't want to) because our families live 200 miles away and it wasn't fair on my dad to drive up and pick us up so we could spend time with them.

He finally agreed to get his CBT last year and has been riding a scooter since but he refuses to take lessons saying it's scarier driving a car, I think it's scarier driving a bike however I've never tried so I can't say for sure.
I would really appreciate it if he would at least try some driving lessons because I think most people are nervous doing something they've never done before.

Someone crashed into my car, it wasn't awful but it really shook me and I'm now so nervous. I have some health issues that I know will get worse and later may not be able to drive, this will mean, with no other family around, I'll be a bit isolated and worried about getting to hospital and things like this as I wouldn't be able to get a bus. I could get taxi though but the cost would mount up. I wasn't trying to guilt him, it was more about expressing my worries.

If we don't drive, it'll make us isolated, difficult to see family, holidays etc.

I'm not telling him to get his full license, I'm just asking him to TRY. To take lessons and see if his confidence grows.

Most times I do think I'm being unreasonable, that I can't force someone to do something they don't want, and I know there are others out there in worst situations. I think going from being able to drive around to suddenly having to stop/reduce things would be hard for anyone.

It would be nice to be able to share the driving especially on long trips to see family etc.
I don't drive so that's never an issue, I'm fine being the designated driver.

I just feel so anxious driving at the moment and a little upset that it was me who HAD to learn to drive and then drive him around to everything.

Just to confirm, we moved here but was only meant to be temporary due to uni but then ended up staying and I started to drive. My dad used to pick us up during breaks to spend time with each other.
So once we made it permanent, I learnt to drive.
Not irresponsible

Can you have a couple of lessons to restore your confidence? Also, I second the automatic suggestion. I k as o agree to stop being a chauffer. If he can’t get there, he can’t go.

I don't care if you're on the road. Like everyone who qualifies, we're trained to leave space. My dad told me from the beginning to assume every driver is a bad driver. You can't go wrong if you follow that advice and leave plenty of space, leave time for your journey, and have patience. Anyone not doing that is the problem, not you.

If he’s not going to learn I certainly wouldn’t be driving to see his family. And as you get older if you think you won’t be able to drive I would be looking to move nearer your family

The amount of driving I have to do for him, kids and myself.
Even driving through France because we decided to holiday there. 16hrs of driving, it was an experience lol.
I would never expect him to try in France lol.

It's more that I would like him to be able to learn and drive, not to take over all the driving but like if there was an emergency then he could do it.

Thank you, I'm only recently nervous after someone crashed into me but I'm slowly getting past it.

We moved up here due to uni and was only meant to be temporary but decided we liked it and then I got my license, as you said, moving away and not driving would have been ridiculous.

There is public transport and I know buses will help those in a wheelchair when it gets to that, maybe I'm feeling a bit hesitant to do that and that's my issue to deal with

I agree. I ditched my first serious boyfriend because he refused to learn to drive and expected me to chauffer him around everywhere. Not a bloody chance!

My mother never learned because she relied on my father to drive her around - when he died in his early 60s, she really struggled as she didn't live on a bus route and refused to pay for taxis, so she only walked to the local shops which were limited and expected my and my sister to chauffer her around. Which we did, but on our terms not hers - i.e. we'd give her a lift when we were going somewhere.

I suppose you;re OK if you live in London or another big city with easy/good public transport, but in smaller cities/towns with crap public transport and out of town retail/hospitals, you really do need to drive, OR, be willing to pay for taxis.

I love him and this is just one little thing, and only a recent thing that has started to be on my mind.
We both married the right person, we've been married for 20 years.

But yes, I shouldn't pressure him. I'm just venting my frustration and it's something I have to handle

Leaving space only goes so far. Recently, near me, a camper van turned onto a 60 mph road, directly into the path of vehicles travelling in both directions. The resulting collision was unavoidable, and 100% due to poor driving by the camper van driver.

nobody should be forced to learn to drive if they don’t want to. If it was a deal breaker you should have thought about that before entering a relationship with him!

you drive so you can get yourself around. You don’t need to be his taxi but you can’t expect him to learn so he can be yours.

If you’re worried about your family’s driving capacity, move somewhere with good public transport. Don’t allow yourself to end up isolated.

I've asked him that.
My latest car is automatic and also has drive assist etc, takes a bit of getting used to at first.

Also, another thing I find bizarre, getting your CBT does not teach you the roads, he's having to learn it without someone and he will only stick to the roads he knows.
Goodness knows what he would do if he took a wrong turning. He's been down a one way street etc.
At least driving lessons would also help him learn the roads and I'd feel a little less worried of him being out

I had an ex who refused to learn to drive even though it meant he would never be able to advance in his line of work without his own vehicle and license (trade worker), even though it put him at a financial dead end that he would never really be able to improve as he was destined to always just be the assistant working under whoever would be willing to pick him up and drop him home from work everyday. But he was the type who never tried to improve his life or circumstances anyway to be honest. Plus I know owning a vehicle is expensive but I bet the money spent on taxis through the years was eye watering

There must be something he can do that you can't OP.
Nobody can be good at everything.
What are his strengths.

Surely you compliment each other.
It's a team.

It is unfathomable to me that someone thinks only a health issue is the only reason not to be able to drive.

For many, like me, it’s just far too expensive, and being a single parent, it was just unattainable.

Well, you’ve been badgering him and it hasn’t worked so it’s time to pull something dramatic.

Start decluttering the house. Get a skip. When he asks why just say “the house is going on the market. I’m looking for a house close to the hospital now before prices get any more expensive. I am future proofing my life because you won’t be useful”.

He sounds a total wet drip but You married and had children knowing he couldnt adult drive.

You are both unreasonable

What is wrong with people these days that learning to drive is such a big issue?

It's shocking that people have become so mentally soft that the idea of learning a new skill is terrifying rather than something to be embraced.

I know multiple mid twenties who won't learn to drive as it's too scary. They rely on their parents, with seemingly no concept of the fact their parents are getting older and may need support themselves eventually.

Only people who want to be on the road should be a nervous driver is not safe for anybody

Basically he's found a way to make sure you do all the work running round after the kids.

I'd stop giving him lifts anywhere, and allocate household chores based on your driving contribution.

Also as your kids get older you are going to end up doing lifts later at night, he doesn't get to sit and watch TV whilst you go running hither and thither. Give him a job to do. Every bloody time.

See this for what it is. Weaponised Incompetence of the highest order. He's taking the complete and utter piss

Obv someone who has never ridden a motorbike!

You can go shopping, you can ride 12 months of the year!!
The only danger on the road is car drivers!!
Only difference being you can’t take passengers!!!

Driving isn’t for everyone!!!

Must admit, I do agree. It isn’t at all scary jumping in a car and driving.

Its not exactly rocket science either.

He's a selfish, lazy idiot whose excuses don't add up.

People who are scared of driving cars are not pootling around untrained on mopeds for ever more. The only thing a moped offers him is freedom to do things solo without the inconvenience of a partner, children or loads like food shopping.

Pootling around on mopeds is for 16yos who can't drive other vehicles yet, and young people who can't afford a car yet.

What is he going to do when OP isn't able to drive anymore?
He's being selfish anyway, but with OP's long term ability to drive being fragile, he's being irresponsible.

Driving is not compulsory, but it takes a lot of organisation and careful living choice to manage being a non-driver, especially away from well-connected large cities.

I've got friends with older parents with one driver, and suddenly non-driver finds themselves trapped in Shit Creek with only a daily bus when their driver reaches ill heath or dies first.

I am the same, forced myself to pass my test at 25. Hated driving to the point of having panic attacks. I personally think I am unsafe behind the wheel and it only on mumsnet that I have been made to feel a failure for not driving.

This is so unattractive. A grown man too scared to learn to drive and instead riding a scooter.
YANBU 💐