AIBU for being upset my husband won't learn to drive?

[CrownedInFlame]

I drive and have done for 15 years, I had to force myself to learn (didn't want to) because our families live 200 miles away and it wasn't fair on my dad to drive up and pick us up so we could spend time with them.

He finally agreed to get his CBT last year and has been riding a scooter since but he refuses to take lessons saying it's scarier driving a car, I think it's scarier driving a bike however I've never tried so I can't say for sure.
I would really appreciate it if he would at least try some driving lessons because I think most people are nervous doing something they've never done before.

Someone crashed into my car, it wasn't awful but it really shook me and I'm now so nervous. I have some health issues that I know will get worse and later may not be able to drive, this will mean, with no other family around, I'll be a bit isolated and worried about getting to hospital and things like this as I wouldn't be able to get a bus. I could get taxi though but the cost would mount up. I wasn't trying to guilt him, it was more about expressing my worries.

If we don't drive, it'll make us isolated, difficult to see family, holidays etc.

I'm not telling him to get his full license, I'm just asking him to TRY. To take lessons and see if his confidence grows.

Most times I do think I'm being unreasonable, that I can't force someone to do something they don't want, and I know there are others out there in worst situations. I think going from being able to drive around to suddenly having to stop/reduce things would be hard for anyone.

It would be nice to be able to share the driving especially on long trips to see family etc.
I don't drive so that's never an issue, I'm fine being the designated driver.

I just feel so anxious driving at the moment and a little upset that it was me who HAD to learn to drive and then drive him around to everything.

You’re both being daft and unreasonable. But only as daft and as unreasonable as each other.

It would be a deal breaker for me in a relationship. Stop driving him everywhere - he’s a grown adult! If he has to rely on taxis etc then that’s his own doing. I have a friend whose DH refuses to drive and she literally spends her life picking him up and dropping him to work like he’s a child. Cringeworthy

I’m a physio and spent a large part of my career working with spinal injury patients - it was a regular occurrence to meet someone paralysed via motorbike accident. Via car, not so much. He needs to grow a set and learn to drive - it’s far safer. Present him with the statistics if you have to

You drive you. Stop being his chauffeur.. He can use public transport..

Stop driving him anywhere.

Unless he has a medical issue, it is unfathomable to me that someone doesn't drive.

It is expensive, time consuming, and a PITA but we have worked hard to have most of our kids driving. Working on the final child.

It is a great life skill.

Yanbu.

An adult with no disabilities or conditions should absolutely be able to drive. It's a life skill that you need in this day and age.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I am a non driver myself and I understand how your husband feels. We live in London so we only need to drive occasionally and I feel like the roads here are horrible to learn on. I also wouldn't need to drive for anything for months on end (I commute by train and get shopping delivered) so I'd need to really try and find ways to practice. I can't see myself being comfortable taking on those occasional long drives with noisy kids in the back for a really long time, then it's the expenses and mental worry.

The difference for us is my husband generally enjoys driving so it's only a minor annoyance for him. I wish I'd learnt while I felt young and invincible- it does feel really scary a prospect now I'm in my 40s! I'm not sure what the solution is. Maybe just one lesson would feel agreeable to him- it's not a big commitment- presumably it can be held somewhere really quiet. Just to get over that initial mental hurdle and see where you are.

That is such rubbish. I don't drive (although I did pass my test at 19) because I am rubbish at it. I am shaky, I dither, I have very poor spatial awareness. I don't have any "conditions", I am just a bad driver. I'm great at many things, driving happens to be something I am bad at. Do you really want me on the road?

My ExH didn't drive and whilst it originally didn't matter, it eventually became a bugbear of mine and we live in a city with pretty decent public transport links. Anything further though, I was always the driver, was always responsible for my entire family if we went anywhere, could never have a drink whilst he would always get nicely stuck in... he's my Ex for far bigger reasons but I can tell you, I absolutely don't miss this.

My BF, on the other hand, splits the driving with me and it is such a breathe of fresh air.. its such fun planning things as, like you, I don't particularly enjoy driving and whilst I will always do my share, its not out of necessity anymore!

So YAN even slightly U, OP!

It strikes me as irresponsible to choose to live some where that necessitates driving, and not know how to drive.

Riding a motorbike is dangerous and selfish. At best, he’s just getting himself around: not another person or four, not luggage, not shopping. Just him, in good weather.

He’s selfish, you’re both being ridiculous living where you live.

No I don't.
Lack of spatial awareness is huge.

But I wouldn't marry someone and have children with someone who couldn't be arsed driving.
It puts a huge pressure on the other parent.
I live in a city and still we both need to drive to get kids to everything.

I'd never be with someone who didn't drive and have a car.
But i don't know how i'd handle your situation! i think i'd leave if he didn't commit to driving lessons, but i feel very strongly about this.

If he can ride a motorcycle, he can drive a car and it's less dangerous.

I call bullshit.

Unless there was a medical condition preventing someone from driving, I wouldn't be in a relationship with them. That said, I'm in the US where the vast majority of people have to drive. It's just necessary outside of NYC. Even Philly has huge public transit cuts coming up.

I can't drive due to a medical.conditoon and resent it every single day so I can't understand why anyone would choose not to.

Stop running him around and make him get the bus everywhere, if he is happy with that then fine. He is totally entitled not to drive but not to expect you to run around after him.

I passed my test later in life. I’d had 2 previous instructors who it just didn’t work with, after a long break I got a 3rd and passed really fast. So I understand that learning is tricky. I had to make myself though.

I have a good friend whose husband has always just refused to learn. She keeps putting him on the insurance, offering to take him out, he just won’t do it. Everything falls on her, including holidays. She picks him up from work, she now drives children to and from uni, had to do all the activities, even when heavily pregnant/with a newborn. It’s crap. She’s finally put her foot down after decades of driving to his mother’s on Christmas Day, told him to learn or they were staying home.

Ugh, he sounds like a big girl’s blouse.

ridiculous. Clearly you need to be somewhere that has better transport links so you can use public transport.
the fact that you are both nervous about cars but live in an area that requires one is stupid.

obviously he should learn to drive but if he is too nervous it’s not going to happen and he’d likely be a danger on the road. You are nervous about driving so you want the other nervous person to drive instead. It’s a losing strategy.

you have to adjust your lifestyle to be less car reliant. I’m not that fussed about driving even though I have car but I also choose to cycle or train on the days I’m not up for it.

can you not sit on the back of the scooter?

the older you are learning to drive the more nerve wracking it is. I can see why he just doesn’t bother.

also stop being his taxi. unless you are going somewhere together he needs to figure out his own way of reaching places

I find people who don’t drive a little unusual, it is a life skill such as learning to swim and knowing basic first aid.

Your husband is being supremely selfish not learning to drive given you have a health condition which may become worse over the years, what is his plan if that happens and you are unable to drive, strap you to his scooter?

He needs to view himself as part of a family unit not an island and start behaving like a fully formed adult.

No one should have to drive if they don’t want to, doesn’t sound like either of you married the right person.

Could you both try driving an automatic? It’s so much easier to learn to drive when you don’t have to worry about gears, the clutch, stalling etc.

😂 Haven't heard this expression for YEARS.

Yes @CrownedInFlame as has been said, this would be a huge dealbreaker for me. I would never be with a man who refused to learn to drive. I find it very 'unmanly' and unmasculine. I know that sounds daft/like I am stereotyping - and is probably sexist, but I don't want a man who can't drive. Even if it's because of a health issue I would be reluctant to be with a man who can't drive. You will ALWAYS be the chauffeur! Always you, driving everywhere. And as for having to run him to work and pick him up again?! Fuck that. And how embarrassing. He must get the living shit ripped out of him by his workmates.

My niece (early 20s) has been in a relationship with a man (he is 36,) for about 9 months, and they moved in together last month. He has never learned to drive. Always lived in a big city and didn't really need to (he said,) and he doesn't seem to be interested in learning. Why bother, when she can drive them everywhere? On holiday, to concerts, to work, to their family(s,) to their mates, to the pub (drops him off and picks him up when he's meeting his mates.) Nope. Fuck that. Definite dealbreaker (for me.) Whether he won't drive, or whether he can't.

@CrownedInFlame As has been said, STOP driving him about. If he CBA to learn to drive, he can walk, or cycle, or get a motorbike, or get public transport. Don't be a mug!!!

I find it awful this attitude on mumsnet that you are useless if you can't drive. Spme people just struggle to learn.

Due to mental health and possibly adhd, I didn't learn to drive till my 40s(recently). Thank goodness for automatics. I don't mind actually driving now but I don't like other drivers, so dont drive long distances, just fairly local. The roads are so scary these days and people are always in a hurry. Surely it's scarier to drive a Scooter than a Car though. Auto is the way to go. So you can concentrate fully on the road, less to remember to do at once.

@CrownedInFlame what about him getting automatic lessons? So much easier than a manual car!

Or could you move nearer family?

As he rides a scooter then thats way harder than a car! An automatic car would be the way to go.

Just be tough, book him some auto lessons and tell him he needs to at least try. If he still then finds it terrifying then you can reconsider the situation.

No, but you did learn and presumably hold a driving licence, so if you needed to drive, you could. Not ever learning is a mistake imo - its a life skill that everyone needs even if they don't want to own a car.

He needs to learn or he doesn't get a lift in your car.

He has no problem digging in, happy to benefit, why shouldn't you? You aren't obliged to continue to offer goodwill.