To be pissed off with husband saying he gives me an ‘allowance’

[Heaths88]

Views welcome on this - my H works full time, I am part time 4 days a week with Friday’s off to spend with our youngest child.

H transfers me money ad-hoc to go towards days out on these Friday’s etc.

Last night, he asked me whether the amount he is transferring is enough or if he needs to increase ‘my allowance’.

I said I don’t need an allowance, it’s money for our child. He stood by the description and told me to stop nit picking and that it’s good of him to be providing money when many other fathers wouldn’t bother as ‘they’d be busy working keeping a roof over their heads’.

There’s very little between our salaries btw.

Yadnbu, that’s horrendous, both that he said it and his answer. ESPECIALLY when you’re both so close in salary

I think it's very dated terminology.
I did think you were being a bit nit picking by taking exception to him using the word because it seemed a thoughtful gesture for him to want to contribute towards you and your child enjoying yourselves.
But I don't like the " you should be grateful" input and attitude from him.

It's not a thoughtful gesture, it's literally his job.

What an egotistical little tosser! He really is a very little man, isn't he? He really should stop embarrassing himself like that. Do you have a group chat with friends you could amuse with this anecdote, and then make sure you show him the responses? I'm sure they'd make that dick droop still further - and he sure as fuck wouldn't be having much use for it around me if I were you in the near future!

If he wants to make like a 1950's head of the household he needs to provide like one too - which he clearly isn't, no matter what lies he's telling himself.

Why don’t you have joint bank details - who pays for food, clothing, childcare and other child related expenses.

What’s thoughtful about supporting your own child - it’s a given.

He's a twat OP. It's not nitpicky, it's really not the word for what he's doing, that's a word you use for children. He's purposely putting you down.

He's a stupid cunt.

Aside from the terminology I actually think that’s really nice and thoughtful.

I don’t understand the set up at all tbh. Don’t you share finances given that you share a child? Do you go on expensive days out every week? The whole thing just seems a bit odd tbh!

All bills are paid from a joint account which we fund on payday, with an extra amount added for the expenses you mention.

We then retain our own money for personal spending etc

By the definition
"a sum of money paid regularly to a person to meet needs or expenses" I don't think he was wrong.

It depends on how he said it, and why you took exception.

Also, the reasons for why as a married couple with a child, you choose to have separate finances is probably key to this.

I don't understand the responses saying it's thoughtful - it's his child! Of course he should contribute. I would take offence at being told I was getting an allowance. It's family money, being spent on the family.

How are the rest of the household finances spilt? How much do you personally spend on these days out/activities

Hard to formulate an opinion without more info imo.
The ‘allowance’ phrasing would get my back up though

If you both earn the same I don’t see why he’s having to basically fund your Friday fun. Can’t you share the expenses for your child? I would be a bit resentful if my partner had a day off a week and I had to fund all the fun things he did this day.

However, If he’s suggesting you’re lucky that he contributes to you child then he’s a bit of a knob and the term ‘allowance’ makes it sound a bit like he has control over you.

Sorry his attitude sucks

But it's to pay for the child, his child. He's not giving her costa vouchers. Regardless of who takes the child out, that's all that's being paid for.

Do you think he'd have said the same to his brother of he was taking the baby out?

I call the money my dh gives me pocket money lol. But that's a joke between the two of us.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, especially now he's doubled down on it.

Why don’t you offer to swap with him, and you work full time, while he cares for your child one day per week? We’ll see whether he still views it as an “allowance” then. What a turd.

I mean, your setting sounds weird. Ideally you should put everything in common, maybe each keeping the same amount for personal expenses.

But beyond that, if you earn the same and share the bills, I don't understand why he is sending you money. Either you include that in your share of the bills or those spends come out of the joint account.

He's desperately trying to patronise you.
Twat.

Why does he give you money - are you not a family? Just take any money you need from the family bank account.

Given you've said you earn a similar amount, I'm guessing you contribute towards household bills. So before transferring that money next month, ask him if he needs an allowance transferring this month or can he cover it like many hard working fathers do?

Why aren’t you using the joint account for these child centred days out then? Why is he expected to contribute extra from his personal money to this when he can’t even go?

you sound delightful. I feel sorry for him.