To be pissed off with husband saying he gives me an ‘allowance’

[Heaths88]

Views welcome on this - my H works full time, I am part time 4 days a week with Friday’s off to spend with our youngest child.

H transfers me money ad-hoc to go towards days out on these Friday’s etc.

Last night, he asked me whether the amount he is transferring is enough or if he needs to increase ‘my allowance’.

I said I don’t need an allowance, it’s money for our child. He stood by the description and told me to stop nit picking and that it’s good of him to be providing money when many other fathers wouldn’t bother as ‘they’d be busy working keeping a roof over their heads’.

There’s very little between our salaries btw.

We do have a joint account, but I've also got a bank account from before marriage and a personal savings account. We budget every month so it's easier to keep the "free" money separate in my account. I'm a sahm so I don't have another income, which is probably the difference here.

Agree with this and surprised more people aren't saying it.

Why is he paying for your fun days out that he can't even go on if you earn the same?

I agree with him you are nit picking. It is both of your jobs to provide for your child, you make salaries that, in your own words, have “very little difference between them”.

You come across as thinking you are entitled to his personal money to cover expenses that really should be coming from the joint account.

Does he give you ‘housekeeping’ as well?

Can you both put an extra £50 quid in the joint account to cover costs for the activities?

or do them as a family on a Saturday and spend the Friday at home?

Allowance is horrendous

Yeah for both parents

Why would fathers who are busy working to put a roof over your heads, be unable to affect bank transfers? Too busy? Do fathers not understand about setting up a standing transfer? Or mobile banking? It is so convenient!

Or too busy to provide for his child? Isn't that the whole point of the Big Man role in the family?

Anyway, allowance is a terrible term. His apparent need to see himself as the provider, despite you equal role in that, is also quite sad. I'm sorry ypu're dealing with it.

It sucks to see the patriarchy rear its head in your own home. That you pay for.

Both our wages and child benefit go into our joint account. We then take the same amount each out of this account for “our money” say £300 each for meals out with friends, clothes or whatever.

There is always money left in the joint account and that goes towards our son and days out with him.

I don’t understand why he gives you money? Just take it out joint account

Which is why both should be upping the input to the joint account and just using that for days out. Forget transferring an “allowance”. That’s just a bonkers way of doing it.

She's entertaining their pre schooler and saving money on childcare. I doubt OP reduced her hours as she was desperate to spend her days in a sweaty soft play or rhyme time class.

Perhaps it's not that much fun but OP does it for the DC's benefit? Like soft play for example. No adult goes there for their own pleasure.

I agree with @Radiatorsa he is trying to patronise OP. It's not her allowance, it's his contribution to entertaining the DC. She's already taking the hit in wages to work part time and care for their child. Why should she pay all the costs as well?

Many fathers wouldn't provide financial support towards their children because they are too busy working?! That doesn't even make the remotest shred of sense. Tell him so. The silly twat.

It is a bit daft . My comment was a reply to someone saying it's the father's job to support his child

Yet OP is all to happy to demand and spend his personal money on her fun Disney mum days out instead of using the joint account or her own personal money which is no less than his.

So you just add an extra amount to cover Friday expenses.

Other than the use of the term "allowance", agreeing a budget for how much you have allocated to "child entertainment" is a normal thing that families do.

It sounds like you made a big deal of the term allowance (rather than just suggesting he called it a budget) and he got defensive ...

The op could pay equality after all

If I got to only work 4 days and my husband gave me extra money to do fun stuff on top of having my own spending money I could not get my knickers in a twist re the terminology!

Then why aren't you using the joint account for days out with the child, as that is a childcare-type expense?

Yes he is being a dick using the word 'allowance' and transferring money to you.

You are being silly for accepting it - tell him to put it into the joint account, you will also pay into the joint proportionally (or whatever your arrangements are), and then use the joint for EVERTHING to do with the child or household.

Literally no one is saying OP should pay all the costs. Those of us objecting to him having to contribute more than OP are saying these expenses should come out of the joint account OP says is for all child related expenses…which includes days out.

Yeah it’s a bit hypocritical to earn equally and yet demand one partner to pay most of the expenses for a joint child.

But I think it is an allowance. An allowance for having a bit of fun with your DC. Days out can be very expensive.
What's the problem ? Your over reacting in my opinion.

I take it you're saving him half of the days childcare costs by taking care of your joint child for the day?

I often take money and put it into my account from the joint account. I don’t consider it an allowance from my husband.

Id be pissed off too. My husband has used similar language in the past and I've made it clear it's patronising. To be fair to him, he doesn't say that kind of thing anymore.

Allowance can also mean budget as well. It’s not like he called it pocket money or pin money.