To be pissed off with husband saying he gives me an ‘allowance’

[Heaths88]

Views welcome on this - my H works full time, I am part time 4 days a week with Friday’s off to spend with our youngest child.

H transfers me money ad-hoc to go towards days out on these Friday’s etc.

Last night, he asked me whether the amount he is transferring is enough or if he needs to increase ‘my allowance’.

I said I don’t need an allowance, it’s money for our child. He stood by the description and told me to stop nit picking and that it’s good of him to be providing money when many other fathers wouldn’t bother as ‘they’d be busy working keeping a roof over their heads’.

There’s very little between our salaries btw.

Sorry,but you lost me at he told you that it's good of him to be providing money. When you marry and have children,you have a duty to provide for your children, and your partner if they stay at home looking after YOUR children. It's not a favour!

So he initiated the discussion asking OP if she had enough for her day out with DC while he is at work. It wasn't that OP had to ask for more. Instead of having a chat about budget, OP takes issue with the word 'allowance' sparking a pointless argument which results in DH making stupid comments about how useless other fathers are. Dhs last comment was ridiculous but honestly it sounds like OP was just looking for an argument. Fair enough if you gently explain why you don't like the word but technically that's what if was. I was sahp for a while and DH paid money into my account on his payday which was my allowance. It was a substantial sum for me to spend as I chose including everything for the kids, groceries and personal money. After mortgage, bills etc his spending money was similar to what I had left over after necessities. It was a fair amount we agreed together but technically it was an allowance. No offence was taken, it's just what it was.

@TheAutumnCrow is right. And if OP and her husband are both putting equal amounts in the joint account, he does need to increase his contributions.

And the joint account pays for days out with the child. Though it's a bit of a stretch to call a coffee in a soft play with an underslept 2 year old on a rainy Tues in November a "day out" for the parent.

I work part-time and earn much less per hour than my DH. We pay an amount into joint account so we each have the same spending money in our own accounts after that, which we use for stuff like gym membership/ nights out with friends/ new clothes.

I used to use my own account for days out with our kids, because I felt so lucky to be able to spend the time with them while DH worked. I had to cancel my gym subscription, stopped seeing friends as couldn't afford it. DH was really upset when he found out, the way we do it now is so much happier and does feel fairer. And he'd absolutely not want to work part time to look after our kids, so I think it works for everyone.

Why? He is being a condescending see you next Tuesday.

It's not great language but wouldn't have been the hill I died on tbh. If there's no others issues in general I would probably have just rolled my eyes and got on with things (while telling him that yes my 'little allowance' did need upping actually)

So many women decide to work part-time or have a regular day off while expecting their husband/partner to facilitate this. Maybe a lot of men would be glad to reduce their working hours?

The Friday expenses are a joint account expense. They shouldn’t be coming from your personal account in the first place.

Also, if your salaries are about equal even with your reduced hours, is he paying you half of you reduced income? You shouldn’t be dealing with the loss of income all on your own. He should feel the reduction just as keenly.

yes, I agree it sounds ridiculous. Married couples invoicing each other for perceived or actual "value" they bring to the relationship is a ridiculous idea, and yet it's always suggested on these types of threads.

Maybe he should put wads of cash in her purse when she's not looking? She can pretend it was always there and they need not discuss it?

Why don’t you pay a bit less in to joint account to reflect the fact that you spend more on activities with your child or use joint account card to cover child related expenses.

Yuck, I couldn’t be attracted to a man who uses that terminology, we’re not in the 1950s

Exactly my thoughts!

This would be the beginning of the end for me. He has no respect gof you

You really are quite horrid.

I think he's a patronising wank stain.

Also, bill him for the additional childcare by way of lowering your financial contribution.

And the plan to leave. You can guarantee his views will get worse as he ages

Poor guy!
I don’t think he meant anything bad by saying “allowance” and he was just asking if he was giving enough…

Hell, yes. Imagine being insufficiently grateful to be ‘allowed’ money you earned yourself!

It depends on how they contribute to joint account. If they put equal amounts then he can't really invoice her for anything.

Your husband is an idiot. I think all women on MN need to understand that when you marry every penny becomes shared money, even if you keep it in separate accounts it is joint money.

So many women on here are being done over by their husbands as they take a back seat in marriage to raise the children.

Charge him for child care for the Friday, half whatever youd normally pay a day. Thats his contribution to his childs Friday care, yours is a 20% pay cut.

I've had housing and food allowances from jobs. I think criticising the word was a bit picky but at the same time it brought his attitude that you should be grateful to the fore, so maybe you were really reacting to tone of voice/body language/etc? But it could just be that he felt pushed into a corner by the criticism of his word choice and lashed out a bit with a culturally prevalent attitude that he doesn't really share.

Has he shown a similar attitude to other things to do with DS? Or with you doing things that aren't about him?

No it doesn't.

I'm so glad my husband and I kept our bank accounts completely separate.

Time to start working the Friday then. Childcare near me is around £75 a day so it's going to work out more expensive. But you will get more pay and pension contributions which you most likely will need. Doesn't sound like he respects you