Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

Absolutely not unreasonable to go to the wedding. Your friend is being ridiculous and doesn't get to police your movements.

Yeah, just go to the wedding.

She is obviously really struggling but needs to stop taking it out on you.

She’s totally unreasonable, it’s the height of selfishness to take her unhappiness out on you. Go to the wedding.

Wow her jealousy is shocking. I do feel for her not being able to conceive but to make you feel you can’t go to events she’s at is just absurd. Don’t allow her to make you feel bad. You don’t need the stress. Go to the wedding and enjoy yourself

You should go of course. She’s being outrageously unfair and irrational but she’s clearly in massive pain so I would cut a huge amount of slack. Not so much that I’d miss the wedding though.

All rationality has gone out of the window. The kindest thing you can do is basically ignore it and carry on, sensitively but civilly. She's in a shitty place, but you don't have to make your life harder to try and compensate.

How good a friend was she before all this?

Go, and enjoy it.

I can empathise with people who struggle to conceive. And I've witnessed first hand how unhinged it can make some women. But life goes on and I don't tolerate anyone having a bad attitude like this. It's grim, unnecessary and not on.

Sad that she's in the situation she is. You did the right thing by letting her know first, privately, so she didn't have to manage her reaction. Her response is vile & despite the situation I honestly don't think I'd be able to come back from experiencing that.

And the badmouthing you behind your back and trying to turn your friends against you is seriously childish and wrong.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Her fertility struggles in no way excuse how she spoke to you. If it was a once off it may have been understandable, albeit inexcusable. The fact she's now making demands on your movements and wedding attendance is completely out of line.

She really needs help, actually therapy.

I can't have children and there have been times in the beginning were it was a struggle to plaster a smile on my face but I did it because life is unfair and you have to suck it up.

I'm disgusted at her behaviour.

Obviously your friend was out of line, but it was unnecessary to tell all your other friends about it in detail. She's showing them anyway by her behaviour. Go to the wedding, she's being very unreasonable. I'd actually be worried about her, she sounds seriously unhinged.

You’ve done nothing wrong but at the same time, I do feel really sorry for your friend (not your fault obvs) - she’s clearly not thinking rationally.

TTC and not managing to really messes with you. But I can't understand your friend's attitude at all. I remember in the depths of TTC hell when I'd had yet another miscarriage and a week later went to a major life event where my BFF announced her pregnancy to us all at the pre-event lunch and I had to make an excuse and go and take a few minutes in the toilets to compose myself. But I was always very aware it was a "me" problem and she didn't owe me anything, sure as hell I would never suggest she end the pregnancy or anything like that, WTF is your friend thinking?! I think she needs to get professional help at this point and she's definitely not your responsibility. All you can do is enjoy your life. Whatever you do from now on will be wrong in her eyes.

Friend is very wrong and clearly not well however think about the bride and groom - should their day be marred by your friends extreme behaviour? No. Is she going to take a knee? No. Should you? No, however I’ll circle back to the first question - can you help mitigate that? (Not that you should) Is it worth DH having a call with the other DH to ask him to stop her going in order to not blow up mutual friends’ wedding?

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I’m sorry you’ve had this stink around it. I hope you have a happier time going forward

I don’t think you are “giving her” anything, she has an invite from the couple getting married? She is welcome to attend? Her invite hasn’t been rescinded, she is choosing not to go.

Having said that, I am being honest in that you probably could soften yourself towards her a bit. I think go to the wedding but maybe offer an olive branch if the right moment shows - simply because I think she was horrible to you, but it came from a place of hurt & jealousy. You’ll never know what it feels like to not have children after all so you don’t know how much this may have impacted her, could explain her out of character behaviour. She’s clearly in an entrenched position

I would have said we were good friends, she’s not my closest friend but we have been friends and part of the same group of friends for quite a long time.

i do understand she is in pain, of course I do. I have no doubt that this situation has rubbed salt into some very raw wounds, and I am really sorry for her struggles. But I have not done anything wrong and I am really stunned and hurt by her reaction. I could totally understand if she had chosen to keep her distance for a while etc, was not in much contact etc- but she is actively trying to upset me and is acting as though I have personally set out to harm her.

I am not sure, even with an apology (which I seriously doubt is going to be forthcoming) that I can move past it. Some of what she has said to me has been absolutely absurd, and on occasion verging on unhinged. I have no idea why she says tries to involve others. I was initially just really hurt, but quite worried for her. There is a bit of me which is worried about her state of mind, but there is another part of me which is just really hurt and angry with her. I can’t do anything to change the situation, though, so I think we just have to accept the situation as it is. I’ll be polite if we are ever in her company, of course, but I’m not sure she will be willing to do the same. It’s not as though I have actually done anything wrong, but she seems set on making everyone take sides. The problem with thst approach is she is alienating most of our mutual friends, although they are worried too. Some mutual friends, who I would say are closer to her, agree she is being unfair but feel that I should be “the bigger person”- but I don’t really know what that mean because I haven’t asked anyone to pick a side or exclude her from anything, they are her friends and I don’t want that to change. Equally, I won’t jump through hoops because she demands it either.

I've had awful pregnancy experiences, I lost my almost full term twin sons the week of their birth 20 months ago unexpectedly - stillbirth and neonatal death. And I had two early miscarriages before my sons were born. My in-laws all had kids around the time my boys died. I never ever blamed or treated them badly because of it. Was I hurting yes, but you dont deserve this anger from her. She is struggling but its not your fault. Go to the wedding, you cant hide away because of this. Fertility is a painful issue but it isn't an excuse to be abusive and I know that from experience.

All you can do is act normal and not engage because what is she saying is irrational. I remember being irrational during my sons deaths, I didn't take it out on people but I remember feeling so sad they were pregnant and I didn't bring my babies home alive. It did subside though when the proper grief set in. Definitely protect yourself though, you need to be well during your pregnancy

I didn’t tell all my friends- I told 2 very close friends shortly after it happened. A few others figured out from her attitude and what she was saying that something was up and I didn’t say much more than we’d fallen out.

I’m so sorry for your loss, what a heartbreaking thing to happen. I hope you have happier times ahead.

You are right that I’ll just have to carry on as normal and let her get on with it.

What she's asking makes no sense.
She is saying it's unacceptable for you to be pregnant, so she doesn't want to see you at the wedding, but your husband can go because... he's not involved? It was an immaculate conception?
So if you don't go to the wedding then you're agreeing that you've done something wrong, but your husband hasn't.
Don't feed into her nonsense.
If you miss the wedding then the bride and groom will always remember that you weren't there, but people may not always remember exactly why. The detail can be lost along the way "oh that's right, Jacks11 did something to hurt her friend so stayed away".

She’s behaving extremely immaturely. I think that will have been her personality even outside the TTC thing given she was able to utter the words at all.

Your attendance at the wedding is none of her business. Who does she think she is? Your relationship is with the bride and groom. She has no veto right.

In your shoes I would be thinking this friendship is over because of the disrespect she’s shown you, and the awful way she spoke to you. On that basis I would treat her as I would anyone I’m not a friend of: polite, distant, uninvolved, civil.

I’m so distrustful of friendship groups where people talk about people behind their backs. No good comes of them, in the long run. Fine if all parties are mature enough to keep things to themselves. But to be openly discussing one or two people - it’s playground behaviour, really. This is the sort of drama that ends up happening, allegiances and alliances formed and broken. And for what.

I did thank you. Recently blessed with a rainbow and I wish you all the best. This is such a difficult issue as pregnancy and fertility is so painful for many. But rest assured you did nothing wrong. You happened to get pregnant admist her grief. If you didn't, you wouldn't have this issue. That tells you where she is at , at this time in her life.

You sounds v considerate and thoughtful despite this lady’s obvious hurt and lashing out

of course you should go to the wedding especially if DH is involved as groomsman. It’s baffling that anyone would suggest you don’t go. At most, the lady and her partner should be informed that you are welcome and are going - and if they can’t behave then they should be the ones to stay away.

Does this lady think she can control everyone’s fertility? Her so called friends (who think you ‘should give her this one’) are indulging her in an unhelpful way - people have their own journeys towards kids and families and no one else can opine or determine that. How would she react to a work colleague? Family member? Random pregnant lady in Tesco? What makes her think this is an appropriate way to act toward you?

Your poor friend is clearly going barmy from TTC and taking it out on you. Remember you’re the lucky one in this, you’ve had 3 kids without even trying, while she’s going thru hell. She is bang out of line to yell at you on the phone and demand you not attend the wedding and you defo shud still go, you’re being really nice about it all. But having been thru this myself I know the unfairness, bitter, hollow rage that you can feel when you get hit with a scan photo just after your own miscarriage, or a phone call from a friend already pregnant with unplanned baby 2 telling you how they can’t cope, or cancelling a spa day with your best friend because she is 4 months pregnant just like you would have been had it not ended in an agonising miscarriage until 5am on the toilet.
So really, despite her treating you in this horrible way, you are the lucky one to be able to have kids. So if you can be calm and be the bigger person, that would be an amazing gift that you could give your poor in pain friend. I withdraw rather than behaving like this but I sure as hell felt like it at times. And I still would if I hadn’t been able to manage to pop one perfect kid out. So if you can, continue to be kind but firm as you are already doing. Xxx

When is the wedding? Is there a chance she may become pregnant or at least get over it before then if there is enough space between now and the wedding?

Go to the wedding and make sure people know you’re going. Speak to the couple of good friends and say you won’t be responding to her if she says something or approaching her and ask their support in toning her down if she kicks off, as you don’t want to spoil their wedding. Ask your dh to reassure the groom that you will absolutely not engage, just walk away, as you have been, and are very keen to celebrate their wedding, so the groom knows that beforehand it’s not you.