Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

If she has a problem she needs to stay at home. Go to the wedding. It's not up to her.

I think knowing she was TTC so hard it was insensitive to play up the "whoopsy, it just kind of happened!" angle, and im not sure why some women do this. I always wonder what the subconscious message is there. If you were having unprotected sex with your partner you were TTC

You shouldn’t have told them. The fallout was predictable. All you can do now is send her a sincere apology.

Having said that, she is clearly unhinged and needs therapy. Urgently. But that’s not your call, so don’t even suggest it.

Of course you should go. She might be struggling, but her behaviour is appalling and she needs to stop acting like the whole world revolves around her and taking her misery out on you. You’re pregnant. You don’t need this stress. And what about the bride and groom?! They don’t need this drama, either, It’s a horrible way to act.

I’m sorry this is happening to you, OP, By all means give her a wide berth, but no way should you have to bow out of any occasion to appease her. She’s being a brat, Infettility is terribly painful, but it doesn’t give anyone the right to behave in an abusive way like this. .

I would certainly go to the wedding, and tell her to shut the fuck up and leave me alone if she started on. One of my good friends has never had kids, had a lot of sadness about it but never went on at anyone like that. It would be the end of the friendship for me, life's too short.

If I were the bride, I'd be telling the unhinged "friend" not to come if she can't be civil to my other friends.

I don’t think she should apologise for telling two friends at all!

OP - you’ve done nothing wrong at all and it sounds like you’ve been as considerate as possible. Definitely continue not pushing your other friends to take sides - as you say, if your ex friend continues doing this she’ll push them all away.

I was in a similar position to you in that I fell pregnant accidentally and had to tell a colleague who was TTC. Dreaded doing it. In her case it just meant I knew not to chat about my kids in general and as we work in different offices she didn’t have to see the visible sign of my pregnancy (Teams calls only show my head!). She has happily since had a baby 🥰

You should go to the wedding. I’d say to anyone that asks that you are worried about df and hope she’s ok. And say no more on the subject.

I had sex with my husband rule on the pill and still got pregnant.

I understand this perhaps sounds even more incredulous if you’re struggling to ttc without protection, but it happens.

Neither scenario is what the struggling party wants to hear in this case.

OP- go to the wedding. You don’t have anything to apologise for either.

Perhaps too many people have treated her with kid gloves before this and have created a monster. I don’t think you should just give her this. How dare she insult you and behave as though nobody else deserves babies than she does. I know she’s in a rough spot. I’ve been there. I have heart failure. I’m not spitting and cursing at all the fit, able-bodied people walking among us who don’t have a ticking time bomb hanging over them. (Except cyclists…. I curse at them like a normal person.)

There is no point in giving in to her demands because she’s lashing out at the wrong thing. It won’t make her life one jot better if she manages to control you and push you out of this wedding or any other event. Because what she actually wants is her own baby and you having another makes no difference whatsoever to the possibility of that happening. She’s focusing on you because it’s easy and a distraction. It won’t make her feel better about not being able to get pregnant though. That will hurt just as much and consume her just as much whether you go to the wedding or not.

Point out to your other friends who have suggested “giving her this” that staying away from bride’s wedding is not nice to bride, whom you like a lot, and a lot more than (maybe ex-)friend. That it’s just not something (maybe ex-)friend can ask of others and that they aren’t helping her by pretending this will in some way make things better. You might ask them what they think the situation is if you haven’t already. They may be under the impression you treated (maybe ex)friend badly and don’t realise how she’s acted.

Go. Don’t deliberately get in her way, but don’t avoid other friends because of her. Be polite and civil and try and for one day pretend she didn’t stay inexcusable things to you.

Go to the wedding.

Do not interact with her.

Do ask your DH to suggest to her DH (or via another male friend so that you two are not involved) that she seeks counselling. Even find some good recommendations for DH to pass on. Sometimes local hospitals have mental health helplines etc.
The woman is looping out.

It took me 8 years to have children but I would have still been appalled by her behaviour even in the throws of TTC.

She is being awful. There's no excuse for that terrible behaviour. You've been more than kind to her. I totally understand that she's struggling but pregnancy and babies are part of life.

Take a knee?

Ask for forgiveness I assume

Right, but you're assuming there was no contraception. Op hasn't stated if this is the case, nor should she. Even if she wasn't being as careful as she should be she doesn't deserve this treatment.

There's absolutely no suggestion that OP was in any way "whoopsy" when telling her (ex) friend the news. You've just decided to put that "angle" on it yourself for some reason.

The only alternative would have been for op to say or imply that she had been TTC, but the friend would have been angry about that anyway. Plus it would have been a lie.

Yeah. It just doesn't mean that.

She is clearly a horrible person regardless and I would be ending the friendship.

yes she may be struggling with infertility (been there, done that), but only someone who was already a horrible person or who had it in them to be behaves like this, but they, and others around them, will often dress it up as “oh, they were struggling, it’s because of what they’re going through, give them some slack” etc.

No. They behave like that because it’s who they are. If it wasn’t for TTC there would have been something else.

Plenty of people go through difficult situations in life, they struggle, sometimes they may show it emotionally but they don’t start vendettas against people and start making demands.

I am so sorry for the losses which some on this thread have experienced, the OP’s friend does not deserve the same consideration.

I bet when you look back this woman has a history of falling out with people, but you didn’t previously see it because you thought that you were friends.

If she’d lashed out in the moment and then calmed down you could put it down to what she’s going through.

But she’s slagging you off behind your back, trying to turn your friends against you, demanding to police your movements, basically she’s being a complete bitch because that’s clearly who she is.

Sometimes bad things happen to bad people.

I would go to the wedding. And me kicking off wouldn’t be an issue because I would ignore her completely and just let her continue to embarrass herself.

You’re well rid.

She sounds ghastly. TTC and failing doesn’t give license to behave as she is doing, casting you as a wrongdoer and triangulating your friendship group in her drama and imagined/one sided conflict. You have done nothing wrong and should not have to miss out on your friend’s wedding by her batshit decree. Go, and if she starts anything, walk in the opposite direction. She’ll look a complete bitch bullying a pregnant woman, and hopefully her nice sounding DH and your own won’t stand by quietly if she tries to drag you into a public spat.

She sounds ghastly. TTC and failing doesn’t give license to behave as she is doing, casting you as a wrongdoer and triangulating your friendship group in her drama and imagined/one sided conflict. You have done nothing wrong and should not have to miss out on your friend’s wedding by her batshit decree. Go, and if she starts anything, walk in the opposite direction. She’ll look a complete bitch bullying a pregnant woman, and hopefully her nice sounding DH and your own won’t stand by quietly if she tries to drag you into a public spat.

How many weeks pregnant will you be? Visible bump? Whilst her behaviour was horrible trying to conceive has made her a bit/quite bonkers.

Im on the fence with this one. Whilst you have every right to be at the wedding if you are displaying a visible bump will it push her even further over the edge? Is this something someone can talk to her DH about and maybe encourage her not to attend?

You won't achieve anything by giving in. A friend of mine went through years of IVF, and became bitter and nasty. She turned vicious, from a lovely, caring person and was saying horrible things about myse5abd another friend behind our backs. This spread to her attacking anyone who had what she wanted. It was worse when I had my DC. We'd struggled too, and I'd supported her unconditionally through her TTC.

Unfortunately the friendship ended. It's sad, because she did have a DC - before the friendship even ended. She'd just gone too far down the rabbit hole of bitterness & couldn't get out. Plus she discovered her DH was a useless parent.

You are not unreasonable - maybe ask your hubby to give her hubby the heads up - unfort sounds like she might risk affecting the wedding. But she is likely to do that either way as she’s prob tempted to complain about you if you were not there.
your hubby is in the wedding party - if there is a choice it needs to be you going

This woman was bad mouthing OP to their friendship group. OP did the right thing in telling her closest two friends about what happened. OP has nothing to apologise for. She should attend the wedding but ignore this ex friend.