Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

When people behave like this when struggling to TTC, what happens if they do eventually get pregnant? Do they just think all their previous behaviour will be swept under the bridge, and everyone will congratulate them on their pregnancy? Presumable this pregnancy wouldn’t need to be kept under wraps?

was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

She was utterly unreasonable but you played right into her hands when you started engaging with her on why the pregnancy is a good thing and telling her you are appalled by her attitude. She will have twisted this into you attacking her. I’m assuming you didn’t say she was being utterly vile?

She’s chosen you as a vehicle for her grief, which is very unfair. I agree you should attend the wedding, otherwise you will set a precedent.

She's struggling but shes completely in the wrong. And actually, her struggling doesn't give her the right to behave like this you!

I would have let it go it if her initial response had been frosty as a knee jerk reaction but this has gone beyond that, she's choosing to be downright nasty because of her own jealousy and thwarted desires. This process has made her bitter and there's nothing you can do to stop it - you've dealt with it as considerately and sensitively as you could, youre not responsible for her shitty behavior, she is. You've done nothing wrong, tou should definitely go. If she starts anything at a wedding, shes going to alienate herself even further.

Nah her behaviour isn’t in any way explainable, it’s disgusting.

I read something that stuck with me - firmness doesn’t work without kindness and vice versa. In her mind she probably didn’t expect you to react with firmness and that’s made her flare up more.

She was and is being massively unreasonable but try and see from her perspective. Still go to the wedding but maybe ask the bride if you can not be seated together.

Tell the mutual friends; “I’m so sorry X is hurting but the only reason she has fallen out with me is because I’m pregnant. It’s not my fault and I really don’t want to miss the chance to see my DH as a groomsman and watch our friends get married. I’m happy to be there and be civil and not be in her face. It’s really unfair, I wish she wasn’t going through it.”

Go to the wedding and completely blank her. If she says anything to you, go straight to her husband and tell him and he should rein her in.
she is going to show herself in a bad light anyway, so let her have the floor.
as someone who went through the ivf struggles, I think her behaviour isn’t disgusting and don’t have any sympathy for her. Who does she think she is ? She’s a bully and bullying you about your baby. Horrible woman.

You must go. The wedding isn't about her, it's about the bride and groom, and you're going to support them. If she makes a scene, she'll show herself to be the one in the wrong, not you. Surely your mutual friends can see that? Don't throw yourself under the bus for her. When they go low, you go high!

You should go to the wedding. Whilst it is disappointing that the friend is unable to conceive she simply cannot expect everyone else’s world to revolve around her. She has to understand that she will face a similar situation, no doubt, in the future……what will she do then? Make the same demands?
You seem to have acted in a kind and considerate manner by not announcing your unplanned pregnancy from the rooftops but she cannot see past that……she sees you pregnant and herself not so. And she wants to call the shots on everything else.
There are countless disappointments in life that we all have to face, your friendship group needs to stop treating this woman like an entitled prima donna.
Go to the wedding and act as you’ve said you would…..with decorum and grace……if she kicks off, that’s her problem.
And good luck with the pregnancy 💐

I had this with a colleague who had been TTC and was going through IVF. We all had to sit in the office and pretend it wasn’t happening. I couldn’t mention it and nobody could ask me about it. She treated me like I wasn’t there.Then when I was 5 months she did get pregnant and all of a sudden wanted to be best friends and we all had to treat her like she was giving birth to The Messiah.

OP, of course you should go to the wedding. She’s being entirely unreasonable, and although I appreciate it’s hard for her it is still a ‘her’ problem, not a you problem. She’s essentially bullying you now, talking about you and trying to exclude you. If you let her exclude you from this she’ll start doing it for other events and activities. I’d stop talking to your friends about this. It will only harden opinions and make people take sides. At this time you need support for your pregnancy, not your beef with your unhinged friend.

I would be the biggwr person by messaging her and saying - Sally, I know eve fallen out but I do hope you'll be at X's wedding. Despite our recent differences I'd love to see you. I wish you all the best.

Even if you don't really feel those things I think it will benefit you to make a kind gesture. She will probably not reciprocate kindly but then it's on her. You can truthfully tell your friends you tried to be the bigger person and reach out, and she rebuffed you.

Please go to the wedding. You're invited by the bride and groom, she has no right to dictate who attends their day.

It's clear she's struggling and she has become hyper focused on you, but her behaviour is unhinged and spiteful.

If you give way on this, she'll be micro managing who can interact with you moving forward, best nipped in the bud now.

Yanbu go to that wedding. I understand that you being pregnant is upsetting for her when she's been trying so hard but her infertility is not your fault and she has no right to treat you the way she is and definitely has no right to demand you don't attend this wedding, if shes got an issue being around you she can choose not to attend.

It makes sense. Men can’t be pregnant. That’s what she wants . She has a husband with sperm already.

Its not you Op and it’s because you’re friends it hurts her more deeply. I bet she would acknowledge she is in the wrong but her feelings are overwhelming.

I would tell her you are going to the wedding but will try and stay out of her way. Reassure her that her feelings are understood by you and you get they are hard to manage. Also this could go on years so you need to carry on.

Her jealousy has consumed her and she is focusing all her pain on you. As you say, if you give in to this ridiculous demand, more will follow and you will get cut off from everything. I understand her hurt. It must seem spectacularly unfair you got accidentally pregnant and she can't with loads of trying. But a) that isn't your fault, b) her feelings don't give her the right to be horrible to you and c) your DH clearly had a role in this and isn't being blamed in the same way.

I would calmly explain that you will be attending to celebrate with X on her wedding day. You will respect whatever decision Y makes and will give her space. If pushed, I might be tempted to remind mutual friends that you have feelings too. It's not nice feeling like your baby is being shunned, plus the unpleasantness you have dealt with.

You really have a very simplistic understanding of human nature and no understanding at all of trauma and grief. If you don’t have a single clue how mental illness can affect someone’s behaviour then you are very naive at best.

I haven’t lashed out like she did but I completely understand how someone might. Someone with disregulated emotions. Someone who has suffered trauma or PTSD or grief. Someone who has suffered all manner of things that has cause them to spiral into a black hole of mental illness.

People like you just simplistically calling them horrible is very archaic and ignorant

As someone in her position who ultimately gave up IVF and are childless I can understand her feeling of life being unfair. But not to shout at you and cut you from her life and try to cut you from a group that already includes people with children.
There were times when my wife and I stepped back in relationships with others when they were pregnant.
But I remember my work friend taking me to one side to tell me she was pregnant and being relieved when I was genuinely happy for her and her husband...I was also very moved that she wanted me to be allowed to process it without putting a brave face on it.
Sadly I think your friend is going to only lose her friendship group, because how will she react to being invited to kids birthdays or events where the kids are running riot?

Congratulations on your pregnancy op. If I were you, I would not entertain talk of not going to the wedding and I'd change the narrative. Say the same thing whenever asked - the wedding isn't about me and x, it's about celebrating a good friends wedding. X has really upset me when I'm pregnant and need to be taking care of myself, despite this I only hope she is ok.

If she can't be civil at the wedding that's on her! Don't even engage if a single thing is said. As for those saying let her have this one - I'm shocked! They don't sound like your friends.

I can see the bride and groom’s point of view - they don’t want a scene at their wedding. From what you have e said I can see it is possible there might be.
i think you have to acknowledge that she might be unreasonable at the wedding and that you need to avoid / ignore all her bad behaviour. Never be alone so that she can’t corner you and make up stuff about you. She sounds unhinged and unfortunately you have become the focus of blame for all her troubles.

I don't think she should be given any leeway for her fertility struggles, it is not an excuse for bullying you. So many women struggle with fertility, it does not result in a God-given right to speak to you and treat you like utter shit. I doubt she would have spoken to your husband in this manner. Perhaps it's a good thing she can't conceive if this is how cruel she can be to a friend during pregnancy-a vulnerable time. If this is in her nature, would she be this spiteful to her children or micromanage their friendships/interactions with others to this degree?

I believe she will try and start some drama or an altercation with you at the wedding. Your presence will antagonise her, particularly if you are starting to show. Start by speaking to the bride/groom and ask if you can be seated apart. If this isn't possible, you need to shut any of her behaviour down by walking away; your husband needs to advocate for you if necessary as I'm assuming all of her vitriol will be directed towards you and not him.

yep, polite distance, if she kicks off, don't reply AT ALL. Let her show her own ridiculous self up.

I'd attend the wedding - as PP said you are going to support DH and celebrate the B&G. I'd message her DH beforehand to let him know. "John, I thought you and Mary would like to know that Bob and I will be going to the wedding. I know Mary would rather I didn't attend, but I hope we can all be there and support B&G on their special day."

I think your friends should know what she said because without knowing the truth they can’t know you’ve done nothing wrong. 💐

If she succeeds in stopping you going to the wedding, then she’ll be demanding that you don’t talk to anyone about your baby or you’re not allowed to bring your baby anywhere.

She is obviously struggling, but being a bitch won’t help her.

Congratulations by the way!

Definitely just go, OP. Completely ignore her, if she says anything, walk away silently. Let her show everyone what she is.

I agree with this. Your friend is grieving and raw and in terrible pain. It feels so unfair when your friends are having babies at the drop of a hat, even when they aren’t trying, and you are going through the utter shit of multiple failed IVF.