Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

Why would you want to be friends who someone as monstrous as this? Do you not have a sense of self-worth? OP is pregnant and needs to preserve her health. Did you not read that the “friend” questioned OP for going ahead with the pregnancy? This cannot be excused with mental illness.

Why would you want to be friends who someone as monstrous as this? Do you not have a sense of self-worth? OP is pregnant and needs to preserve her health. Did you not read that the “friend” questioned OP for going ahead with the pregnancy? This cannot be excused with mental illness.

In all honesty, I think contacting her at all right now would be like a red flag to a bull. Right now, she does not think she has done anything wrong- or at least, she is not admitting to it if she does. Given that, I don‘t think telling her she’s in the wrong, has been awful to me but that I understand she doing so because she is hurting, is going to go down well. Knowing her, she will think/say I am being patronising by telling her what she is thinking/feeling and trying to explain her behaviour to her. Essentially, I do not think it would be welcome and is highly likely to stir up a hornets nest. It is better left alone. I am keeping my distance and have no intention of approaching or speaking to her right now, for my own sake and to avoid ratcheting up her angst further.

I understand she is hurting and lashing out, but that is the reason and not an excuse. Many people have awful things happen to them and manage not be so abhorrent. I would have been absolutely understand if she had decided to keep her distance or was struggling to be happy for us, and would have been keeping things about the pregnancy low key around her- it’s what I expected- but this reaction has been so vehement that I’ve been totally taken aback. I am not the first of our friends to get pregnant since she has been struggling, and in the past she has just not seen that person as much. In hindsight, sometimes she did hint at not invite the pregnant woman to things but was always kind of brushed off- we’d just see more of her one to one etc if she did not feel like she wanted to come. So I think this is an escalation, from that POV. I wonder if it has to do with this being close to the end of the line in terms of IVF, or perhaps it’s something else. She has said that she thinks I don’t appreciate my “perfect life” and now I have this too. For the record, I know I am very lucky to have a lot of good things in it, but it is not perfect- though I am very happy and fully aware I am fortunate. Maybe it’s more complicated, who knows? I don’t know the real reasons and probably never will.

I’m sad to have lost a friend, because I actually don’t think that we can go back to where we were (even with sincere apology, which I doubt will be forthcoming). I am not saying mutual friends cannot be friends with her, or that I would not go anywhere where she would be, but I cannot get past the way she has behaved.
I don’t trust her anymore, and I think i’ll always wonder if that is what she really thinks. My DH does not want anything to do with her and is absolutely furious- I am angry but probably more hurt. And a bit worried about the wedding. I am still going, that is what bride and groom want and will just keep my distance or be polite if we have to be in close proximity. I think she is not far from having her invite rescinded, if she cannot rein it in, but that is between her and the bride and groom.

I wish her the best and hope she gets the help she needs to come to terms with her situation because the way she is going she is going to lose a lot of her friends. I feel very sorry for her husband too, he is struggling himself and having to try to support her through this, whilst trying to put out the fires she is starting.

@jacks11 you are very right, I don't think I could ever go back to a friendship, or even acquaintance again, possibly as at this wedding, be in the same room, but no contact and a very wide berth.
If you haven't already, I would remove/block her from all social media, but perhaps after the wedding so she can't use that as an excuse to approach you with venom/hysteria/use to garner sympathy.

jacks11

I think you are absolutely spot on with everything you've said.

You couldn't have handled this situation any better.

When is the wedding?

Hopefully, things will have settled down a bit by then but, if not, your conduct has been beyond reproach and you can go with your head held high.

Enjoy your pregnancy.

@GreyCarpet
Thank you. It’s in a few weeks, I think it should be fine. I’d like to think she would not cause a scene, I’m going to do my best to avoid her without making things terribly awkward for everyone else and fingers crossed it will all be fine for the bride and grooms sake, if nothing else. Thereafter, I think it will work itself out, one way or another.

So the friend behaves badly, berates the OP, calls her a fucking stupid teenager, demands to know why the OP didn't tell her that the OP was ttc (which is absolutely none of her business in the first place) berates the OP some more about drinking alcohol whilst not knowing she was pregnant and then asking the OP if she was sure she wanted to continue to pregnancy basically insinuating the OP should terminate her pregnancy.

Then the 'friend' tells their mutual friends to try and turn them against the OP which worked with two of then and then finally asking and demanding their mutual friends rescind their wedding invite to the OP but OP's DH can still attend and then the two friends ask the OP 'to give her this' and not attend the wedding and potentially upsetting the bride and groom.

Now I have no doubt infertility is heart wrenching and extremely painful and that the friend is clearly very mentally very unwell however none of that excuses her behaviour. An understable and appropriate response would be to say she was upset and needed to distance herself for a while. Not trying to drag other people into and a cause a drama and exclude the OP from their social group and mutual friends wedding because she's pregnant. The friend is punishing the OP when she hasn't done anything wrong. Also your comment about the OP not suffering is bullshit just because the OP isn't suffering infertility it doesn't mean she isn't suffering at all the friends reaction and behaviour have probably cause the OP a lot of hurt and stress which she doesn't need.

I had every sympathy for the friend until I read she had asked the OP if she was sure she wanted to continue the pregnancy. That is absolutely unforgivable and there is no justification for that callous insinuation and remark. The friend should be the one to build the bridges here not the OP.

Your 'friend' should remember this: "Just because you're in pain, it doesn't mean you have the right to be a pain." I feel sorry for you, OP.

Best of luck @jacks11 x

@jacks11 hope everything is ok

@Ewock

It’s been a bit up and down. Ex-friend will definitely remain that- her ongoing behaviour has been unpleasant but I have completely stepped back and ignored her/blocked her after she had a go at me at a mutual friends house (I had dropped in to give my friend something, didn’t know she’d be there).

She was subsequently disinvited from the wedding by our friends as it became clear she was unable to rein herself in- I was the principal source of her issue but there were requests regarding another couple who have a very young baby- and they just felt it was best to draw a line with her as they had already asked her to stop making demands about their wedding and she jusr could not control herself.

This made her even more angry and she upset quite a few of our mutual friends (not solely about what she was doing/saying about me, but how she was behaving towards anyone who wasn’t agreeing 100% with her about me, the wedding, etc). So that something else I am getting the blame for- even though it is absolutely all her own doing, not mine. I don’t want to be around her but I would not want to put pressure on anyone else to distance themselves from her because of that), so I have just keep away from her and the mess she’s creating for herself. Though, I haven’t tried to hide away or pretend nothing is going on- if someone asks/sats something about what she has been saying, I give them the (brief) truth. I’m not sugarcoating it or taking blame or hiding away- it’s her problem, not mine,

unfortunately, her marriage has also broken down, from what her husband has said things have been strained for a while and this situation has been the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. Which is sad for her, as I think a separation on top of everything else can’t be much fun. But again, not my concern anymore.

The wedding was a n absolutely fantastic day celebrating with friends, so it’s not all doom and gloom!

It really isn't your problem, but I hope that someone else is checking in with her. She could be a suicide risk. It will be almost impossible for you to do what i am going to suggest, especially given that most people on here will say that she is vile and evil. You know that she isn't those things, you know that she has slipped into a very dark and aggressive depression/breakdown and for some reason you are her target.

I have been the target of other women's bitter pain too. It's a mixture of me seeming to be kinder than their other friends and also successful in their eyes. If they are angry about something I am the person they take it out on. I don't think you should tolerate this, but it does help you to move on if you understand that she perceives you as having everything she wants and can't (actually may never) have. You have to keep your distance from her, but your friendship group shouldn't take sides. Those she is ok with should stay close. When I have witnessed women in the state that your friend is I realise that they are in an awful place, and hope that I never experience that kind of low and that I would never do to a friend what she has done to you. But please don't take on her behaviour. Don't change your values to match her pain. Just enjoy your life and the new baby when it comes.

I don't think she's just in pain though, I think that she has slipped into a terrible mental illness. Mental illness can be very ugly. Op is right when she says she is unable to rein it in, she has lost control. It is so weird because when people get like that they seem to choose their victims, which makes you think that they could control the behaviour if they wanted to, but I genuinely believe that they can't. Awful and sad situation all round.

Perhaps if society didn't put so much pressure on women to be mothers people might cope better when they turn out to be the minority who can't get pregnant.

Agree with this.

OP it is not your responsibility at all and you have done nothing wrong here, but perhaps you could ask your friends to keep an eye on her. Sounds like she had absolutely lost the plot and her whole world is crumbling around her and she’s handling that by taking it out on you, which is massively wrong and unfair. She can’t seem to think logically and seems to be mentally unwell rather than deliberately malicious.

You have done no wrong here, and have handled it with grace and dignity and I hope you now get to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and preparing for baby.

I think part of that problem is she has forced most of our friendship group into “choosing”- she has been horrible to (or stops talking to) anyone who does not agree with everything she does or says. She will not even accept “I’m not getting involved” or “I think it’s between the two of you”. As a result, she is not on good terms with 90% of our friends, though I think she is still friends with a couple and I would hope they are looking out for her. I have no idea as i’m obviously not in contact with her and they have kept their distance from me (whether because they are in agreement with her or because not doing so would upset ex-friend, I don’t really know). I have not asked anyone to cut her off, she has done this all by herself.

i would also say, I think she is certainly very upset and distressed, even furious- and as I haven’t seen her in a while I can’t really comment on her current mental state, but I am not sure she was “very mentally unwell”. I think you can be extremely distressed and behave irrationally without necessarily having a mental illness. I don’t think she is evil, I think she is in pain and deeply upset, but she is still responsible for her words and actions, some of which have been inexcusable.

She needs some sort of extreme therapy and fast. You just cannot have such an absolutist dictatorial approach to life it just doesn’t work like that - as she is finding out.

I remember your posts. I’m glad you are doing ok and wedding went well. Don’t worry about this woman. There is literally nothing you can do for her. Her husband and family will be very much aware that she is struggling and trying to support her (though even her DH has stepped back by sounds of it). Lots of people have fertility issues, bereavements, MH struggles and don’t lash out like she is. The way she has behaved doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a MH emergency - it could easily be a life view of entitlement and a domineering personality expecting things her way being harshly exposed by a life event. Hopefully she’ll get therapy and work through it but totally up to her.
Best of luck with your pregnancy!

I struggled to conceive. Took several years to fall with my first and then 5 miscarriages and a fertility clinic referral over 3 years before my second. I know that it is painful when others fall pregnant and you are trying. I regularly left baby groups early and cried all the way home when someone announced their news about no2/3 or 4 being on the way, it was gut-wrenching. But the struggle and the pain was mine - and my DH’s - to bear. No one else.

I never ever told anyone or made anyone feel they could not share their joy. Your friend needs therapy. And her DH needs to make sure she has it. If she cannot behave at someone’s wedding that is her issue and, tbh, in the bride and grooms shoes, the message I would be giving is that their wedding is their day and if she cannot respect that she should not be attending.

Your friend is being ridiculous and this is completely on her, not you. What, don’t get pregnant just in case you upset her? No, that’s not how the world works. I feel for her, she clearly is struggling and she will be taking these feelings out on you but just ride it out, I reckon she will realise how ridiculous she is being in a few weeks and apologise. You’ve done nothing wrong, don’t act like you have, go to the wedding x

@jacks11 I'm pleased you're ok and have decided to take a massive step back.
She sounds like she needs help, but at the rate she's going she will push everyone away from her

I believe you. I have been there. It’s awful. It’s good that she has a couple of friends left though and who cares if they agree with her? You know the truth.

it Has probably already been said but she has probably been envious of you for a while. From my own bitter experience I would encourage you to not only distance yourself from her but to try to shut down all thought of her. The vile things she has said can have an insidious effect on you and affect your mental health. When that happens it is difficult to come back from.

Completely agree with you op. Negating her responsibility for her actions so far hasn't been helpful for her.
Absolutely you shouldn't still be pandering to her.