Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

Of course you go to the wedding; it’s your friend’s wedding and DH is a groomsman! If it makes her feel uncomfortable to attend then she can choose not to.

I do tend to think that adults who get “accidentally” pregnant are bloody daft. We all know how it works. If it’s a genuine contraceptive failure (coil inserted wrong etc) then it’s out of your control but if you’ve just had unprotected sex then it is pretty foolish. If you were being lax because you weren’t against getting pregnant: you were essentially TTC.

I think you were right to tell her via text so that she had time to react privately before responding. However, the whole “I have something to tell you” makes it into a bit of an unpleasant guessing game for her and her heart was probably racing. It would have been kinder to have texted her directly to say that you were pregnant.

It sounds as though the damage from this is probably unrepairable. I’d block her number so that you stop receiving these messages from her. She’s clearly in the absolute pits but you aren’t the right person to help her, even if you wanted to.

Yes and I bet if there was another friend with fertility problems she wouldn't be given one iota of consideration when the OPs (ex) friend does the big announcements.

Really unfair she's doing this to you OP. She's blatantly projecting all her anger at not conceiving on you like its your fault.

Go to the wedding with your head held high and don't engage with her, either positively or negatively, in any way. Rise above it, or at least give the impression you are.

It still doesn't excuse her behavior though

Horrible.

Just appreciate she’s very unwell and go to the wedding anyways. Her grief over what’s happening to her is hers to deal with and she might need medical help to cope through it.

I feel for her but she’s way, way out of line.

I'd be going to the wedding, you've done nothing wrong. While it's sad that she has fertility struggles, it doesn't give her a pass to behave like an asshole. I struggled to conceive for over 12 months and I have a friend who after 3 rounds of ivf has had to stop because the money ran out . When I finally got pregnant my lovely friend was over the moon for me , even though it hurt her too. That's a proper friend

Go the wedding - you have been invited to celebrate the B&G’s special day with them first and foremost. Guests do not get to dictate who else attends a wedding. What is she going to do if there is another visibly pregnant woman there? What if another mutual friend becomes pregnant- how is she going to react then?

Ask the B&G if you can be seated on separate tables, and keep the pregnancy chat to a minimum or out of her earshot; stay close to your DH wherever possible and your friends - if she kicks off walk away without replying. If she follows you keep walking but stay where there are other people. If she chooses to behave badly then that is on her not, not you, and if you are visibly pregnant by then she is going to look a right arsehole for attacking a pregnant woman.

You are not responsible for her state of mind or behaviour, and sadly it sounds like she urgently needs therapy. I’d be willing to bet that if you really think about it she has always been manipulative and unpleasant at times.

I finally became pregnant at 40 after years of trying and it was so painful watching friends and colleagues have their families over the years, but I always plastered a smile on my face and was genuinely happy for them (although crying inside). When I announced I was pregnant two of my friends dumped and blocked me instantly. I was so upset but maybe for them they simply couldn’t cope with yet another friend having what they were unable to have.

You were kind to let her know privately - you tried. You took a verbal bashing, which is more than enough to deal
with for someone else’s pain.
she needs to grow up and stop making other people miserable - the poor bride worried about a ruckus at her wedding, you of course, and also your friends who are being dragged into this. She needs professional help.

12 months to conceive is within the bounds of normal. I hadn’t even gone to the GP at that point. It’s absolutely not comparable to someone who has been through multiple failed IVFs.

Yes she was horrible, but it was incredibly hard new for her to hear. You knew she was going to take it badly, which is why you wanted to tell her separately. I can't imagine how painful it felt when you told her you weren't trying and it just happened. I think you were very out of line telling her that. You could have easily glossed over that, no one needs to know the details or how you conceived.

Outside of your DH, you absolutely shouldn't have told anyone the details of your conversation. That was unnecessary and unkind. The fact some of your friends in real life know all of this and don't think she is wrong is very telling to me.

I don't quite understand what she thinks you'll be taking from her by going to the wedding but clearly this friendship is over. There's no going back.

Having been through a similar experience I have every sympathy for you. She is having what I can only describe as a mental breakdown and you are the target for all her fury, pain, grief. You should not put up with this but you shouldn’t engage with it either. Your friends should be encouraged to not take sides because it will only fuel the psycho drama and make her believe that her feelings against you are justified and that this is just another friendship disagreeement instead of her having to face up to the enormity of the pain of being a woman who might have to accept that she will never conceive a much wanted child.

I think that you should just say that you love her as a friend and that you are there if she needs you but then take a break from her. When you give birth it is going to be hell for her but it is probably hell seeing babies everywhere, in tv ads etc. The grief she is going through is unique and awful. She is inconsolable.

There is a saying; detach with love. And that is what I urge you to do. It is up to you to work out how you do that. You won’t be able to reason with her because psychologically she is not in a place where that is possible. I am So sorry for all you. But it is so important that others treat her with as much love and kindness as possible (hard I know when someone is behaving so badly but grief is ugly sometimes)

And congratulations on your pregnancy. Concentrate on that and stay out of her way as facing her fury will spoil your experience.

the friend asked her why she didn’t tell her she was ttc, what was OP supposed to say?

Op is free to tell the story to whoever she likes.

I think TTC as it's meant in a fertility/infertility context is: timing sex, peeing on ovulation sticks, taking supplements, avoiding XYZ, making sure you get the right nutrients/sleep/water etc. An accidental/unplanned pregnancy by its nature does not involve this sometimes military level of planning

Plus, why does anyone need to tell friends anything about their sex life?

That's not what this poster is comparing.
She's comparing the behaviour of the person who unsuccessfully had three rounds of IVF to the OP's friend.

A truly good friend finds a way to do that - changes the subject etc. I would never say that to a stranger who had fertility issues let alone a friend.

A person this far gone won’t have had any better reaction whether they thought the baby was planned or not. I also don’t see why the person thought it was appropriate to even ask. That’s putting people in an impossible position.

Grief is irrational. And ugly. But when it takes hold of people it is out of their control. I hope she will get the support she needs.

If OP pretended she had been TTC all along, the friend may well become angry that she'd "hidden" it from her or some other reason to get angry.

It's not rational to be vile to a friend because they're pregnant - how much it was deliberately planned or was happy luck has no bearing on that.

The friend's behaviour is completely indefensible. Life is absolutely shit for some people. It's not fair and it can hurt. But you absolutely cannot go around treating people like dogshit, demanding they don't attend weddings and trying to make mutual friends take sides. OP has done nothing wrong and her friend has behaved appallingly. The friend is bad-mouthing OP to all and sundry to try and make them take sides, why the hell should OP not defend herself and give her side of what happened?

She sounds horrible. How dare she? It’s like someone who is ill taking their anger out on friends who are well. Jealous in the extreme and unable to regulate her emotions.

It's one thing to be supportive of your friend, but another to let her insult you, order you about and have the whole friendship group dancing to her tune. I'm surprised you still want to be friends with her after she was so rude about your pregnancy - you did your best to give her the news in as painless a way as possible - what more could you do?

I think you should drop the friendship altogether - she clearly doesn't want to be near you while you are pregnant - and if the rest of the friendship group is in thrall to her demands, find some new friends.

I think she was probably shocked by the news. And surprised. The timing was unfortunate. One friend falls pregnant while another is facing giving up trying to conceive. Nature can seem cruel at times.

That doesn't change the fact that her behaviour still affects other people.

Shocked and surprised is understandable. As would not being able to see the person for a while.

This behaviour is unjustifiable. And the fact it’s continuing.