Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

She’s behaved disgustingly. Infertility is heartbreaking and traumatic, but it doesn’t give you carte Blanche to be a spiteful nasty bitch. Some of the things she said were utterly vile.
OP you sound considerate and thoughtful. Let me tell you; there is NO way you could have broken this news that would have made this situation any better. I would half understand if she had reacted in the heat of the moment and called you later to apologise once she had calmed down. However, the fact she’s doubled down and is now trying to dictate to all your other friends tells me exactly who she is. Go to the wedding and blank her. She doesn’t deserve your civility.

Quite frankly life is not fair. That’s it.
Pregnancy is not fair.
Mother Nature does not choose parents based on how good a person or how great a parent they will be.
Your ‘friend’ is being ridiculous. Go to the wedding. Ignore her if she even has the audacity to go, which quite frankly, I don’t think she should.
The wedding is not about her.

I agree that you should carry on and go to the wedding and give her a wide berth.

But, I would consider not going if there is any chance she is going to try and kick off or make a scene.

Not because I think it should be you @jacks11that drops out but because it would be the right thing to do for the sake of the couple getting married. If she’s not going to do the decent thing and pull out or behave herself then this the only want to prevent a potentially really upsetting situation.

Do you think she’s likely to hold it together?

It’s also him going through it and that’s completely lost with all her nonsense behaviour. Poor guy.

I disagree that it would be the right thing for op to withdraw.

The right thing would be for invited guests to attend and to leave their differences aside for the sake of the bride and groom.

The couple themselves have already spoken to "friend" and have given her the choice to attend and be civil or not attend at all. No way should op not go. She's their friend too.

Given the ongoing demands to ban the OP, I suspect there is zero chance of this woman behaving herself at the wedding. But that doesn’t mean the OP shouldn’t go. Hopefully the woman’s DH will take her home immediately if she starts behaving badly,

If she doesn't sort it out, I suspect there's a higher chance of the bride and groom telling her she's no longer welcome given they've already told her as much.

If I were the bride, there's only one person here I'd have reservations about attending generally. And it's not the OP.

I agree with you but if I was the OP I would rather stay home than risk an outburst at someone else’s wedding.

It’s not fair but actually the day is about the bride and groom not the OP or the angry friend.

Conversely, if the bride is a good friend of the OPs she might be really upset if she doesn’t go. I know I would be. I would follow the brides lead on this one, and keep my distance from ex friend.

We differ, because if I were the op, they have invited me to share their day, so I would attend and ignore "friend".

It's not the op who is making it about her, and it's not her responsibility if "friend" makes a scene.

For her to acquiesce to ex friend's demand is teaching her that she can get what she wants if she bullies others into it.

There's no guarantee there won't be another pregnant woman at the wedding so OP staying away might not help.

Are the bride and groom prepared that, should this friend turn up at their wedding, she might launch into ANY pregnant woman who might be there? Even if OP doesn't attend?

She's clearly struggling very very hard with her failure to conceive. If she can fall out with OP over her pregnancy, then she might well take her anger out on any woman not behaving as she considers 'proper and correct' for a pregnant woman and might get shirty with any visibly pregnant woman seen to have a sniff of Prosecco or who eats what she might consider the wrong thing.

It sounds as though she needs professional help, OP, none of any of this is to do with you. It's her own hatred for her own body. She has my sympathy, but she can't keep on doing this.

Just to be clear that I don’t think it’s right that the OP should stay away from the wedding and none of this is her fault. But, if there’s a bust up that spoils the wedding, it won’t really matter who is at fault, it will still have spoiled the day and that’s what will be remembered. That’s all I’m saying, it’s just something to think about. I’d make no attempt to hide why I stayed away and I’d tell my ‘friend’ she was the reason too.

So should OP husband withdraw as a groomsman at this wedding too? Or go on his own and give the appearance to all their friends that he doesn't support OP? As if he disagrees with getting his own wife pregnant?

It's a moot point anyway.

The couple have already spoken to the friend, told her to stop and to stop contacting them about it and that she can either choose to play nicely or stay away.

Just go, smile politely and say hello but don’t engage otherwise. She’s clearly struggling but keeping you away from a friends wedding is unlikely to make her feel better.

Just realised that this cheeky cow has said the OPs husband is fine to go, but not the op. Who the HELL does she think she is??

OP you have done nothing wrong and you have handled this situation very well. I had a miscarriage and was devastated and a few months later my best friend told me she was pregnant. I cried when she told me because of my own pain but I never attacked her or got upset with her, I dealt with it like an adult because my sad experience had absolutely nothing to do with her.

Your ex friend does not sound like she is fit to be a mother at the moment at all. She's completely unhinged and I hope she gets herself some help.

I think I have to agree with this. Most woman suffering from infertility are not cruel to others.

My sister suffered from infertility for a few years, plus the horrendous side effects of IVF, but always celebrated her friends' and family's news of pregnancies. In fact, she was enthusiastic about it (her words: if she's not going to be a mother, she's going to be the world's coolest aunt). My other sister was forced to undergo a hysterectomy at 30. She was sad for a short time, but never cruel to anyone. She considered adopting, but found a job where she travels extensively, and is proud title holder of world's coolest aunt. She's now 100 percent at peace with it.

My cousin suffered pregnancy losses and infertility for 12 years. She eventually had her baby boy. Only learned after her pregnancy announcement that they'd tried for years as we'd all assumed she and DH decided no kids. She said it was hard, but wanted to keep it quiet as it was easier for her. But she showed up for showers, weddings, etc. and no one even knew she was suffering because, (again in her words) "i wanted to be with my friends and family even if I was sad").

10 years after my cousin's boy, she was unexpectedly pregnant at 44. She now has 2 lovely boys and is a ridiculously good mom. If someone had berated her for surprisingly getting pregnant and drinking w/out knowing she was pregnant (which she'd had done as she never thought she'd have 2 kids), I'd feel the rage.

Dear OP

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, regardless of what others have said on this forum, I honestly can’t see how your behaviour has been anything other than thoughtful and compassionate at every stage. Your (ex) friend’s behaviour has been atrocious and whilst her pregnancy struggles explain they do not excuse her behaviour. To indirectly imply to a pregnant woman that she should get an abortion simply to assuage her feelings about her own (albeit, unfortunate) infertility is VILE. She sounds deranged.

As a pregnant woman you need, and deserve, care and support not this borderline hatred. Please look after yourself lovely xx

You've done nothing wrong, obviously, but the other woman is clearly in an extraordinary amount of pain. To have been trying so hard, wishing, praying etc etc, for a baby, then another person just falls pregnant by accident, is almost too much to bear.

I had a number of miscarriages. After the first, which was the worst, because I wasn't expecting it, I remember a friend invited me to lunch and didn't think to tell me that another friend, who was about 6 months pregnant, would be there too. Well, it took all my strength not to run away. How I got through that lunch I do not know. It was awful.

Your friend has behaved very badly, but she's in more pain than you might be able to understand. However, I do think you should go to the wedding. If she can't bear it, she can't bear it, but you will not have 'taken that away' from her.

I think she could do with some grief counselling actually.

Was the wedding today? How was it?

I think pp was suggesting that Op has to be the one to build bridges because she isn’t suffering from a serious mental illness.

However, I don’t think op should even try to contact her friend because you can’t rationalise with someone who is that ill. Op will have to wait until friend starts to get better to see how the land lies n

Op doesn't have to do anything for that person, never mind pander to her and wait about on a peg for her to deign to graciously decide to talk to op again, and in the scope of some on here, the op should accept this and be so pleased about it.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I think if she was my friend who I loved I’d try to speak to her again. To say that while what she said was awful you understand it’s coming from a place of deep pain and she was lashing out. That you don’t want everyone to fall out and that she means a lot to you. You won’t apologise for your pregnancy but you don’t want to lose her over it.

You don’t have to do that of course. But I’d keep in mind that she is tortured in her mind and grieving the likely loss of motherhood.