Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

Go to the wedding, keep distance and block her so she cannot send you any further messages.

As I said upthread. Grief is irrational. Deep grief is like a mental illness. You can’t reason with it. It can be bitter and ugly. I have no answer for how loved ones deal with this or try to console a woman who is going through the bereavement of childlessness. How do you grieve a loss of this nature?

You've done nothing wrong.
For her to have that initial reaction is extreme. For her to not afterwards realise how crazy she acted and apologise the next day is worse.
She now hates you because you're pregnant?!
Definitely do not let her stop you going to the wedding. As much pain as she is in about a baby, this is a her problem.

This. I tried to conceive for 11 years and never did. I wasn’t always the person I would have wanted to be when hearing pregnancy news. OP’s friend will not only be in the throes of grief but her self esteem will be in tatters. She will be feeling an utter failure as a woman. Of course it’s not rational for her to feel like that but that is how she will be feeling.

You haven’t understood a word of that post, have you. Or perhaps you don’t want to.

This post is outstanding in its vileness. Wow.

I honesty don't think her pain over TTC justifies this. I acknowledge that she must be in a lot of distress and would otherwise deserve compassion. But this behaviour is extreme, controlling and highly vindictive.

She basically seems to be implying that no one else is allowed to become pregnant. She thinks her needs are more important than anyone else's and that she gets to be verbally abusive to anyone who is more "successful" (in her terms") than she is. It's bullying.

Everyone in this dynamic knows she's being unreasonable but is choosing to pussyfoot around it, whether through fear of her or compassion for her situation. The question is whether or not she should be indulged because of the obvious distress the situation is causing her. I don't think so. There's a point at which someone's desire to use their pain and upset to control other people's behaviour becomes massively unreasonable. It's very understandable that she wants to not be confronted with your pregnancy but she doesn't get to set the rules for everyone else's social life. It's on her to remove herself from the equation if it bothers her that much. Not on you.

I would make clear via your friend network that you will be attending so it doesn't come as a shock and to allow her to bow out if she wants to. Then respectfully and compassionately hold the line when you get there. If there's drama at the wedding, hold your head up and move on.

Over time she will heal from this situation and come to realise how unreasonable she has been. If you want to have any chance at preserving the friendship (and its understandable that you may not), the more dignity you have shown now, the better the chance will be.

YANBU at all, go to the wedding and keep your distance from her, hopefully she respects the bride enough to leave you alone.

Why shouldn’t I have told my 2 closest friends about something which upset me deeply? The things she said were pretty abhorrent and I wanted to talk about that with my 2 best friends. And it’s not as though went round spreading the news, they did not tell anyone else. I won’t apologise to her for tthat.

What the fuck is wrong with you??

I feel incredibly sad for your friend. Of course she is hurt and is finding it very hard to see something she finds impossible to achieve.

But her pain does not give her licence to dictate who can and cannot be at someone else's wedding. She is channeling all her anger at her situation to you and it's not fair. I think her other friends are actually failing her by telling you to give her this.

I would go to the wedding and completely ignore her. If you can, I would suggest to bridge and groom that you are sat at different tables.

I agree that it would have been better to just text and let her know you were pregnant, so she could reply when she'd gathered herself. Texting "I've got something to tell you" probably made it more stressful for her and ended in her replying before she'd calmed down.

Go to the wedding - you are there to celebrate your friends’ day and she doesn’t get to dictate who can go. If you do as she asked and don’t go then where does it stop? She’ll be cutting you off from all of your friends stage by stage if she thinks she can get away with it.

Don’t engage with her, walk away if she starts on you. Stay near your friends and DH so she can’t corner you without witnesses. Ask the B&G if you can be on separate tables.

If she puts on a public performance then that her responsibility. If I was her DH I would be getting seriously worried about her fragile state of mind and encouraging therapy.

Yes, but if the OP had just texted she was pregant the friend would have said she sent a cold callous heartless text as she was too much of a coward to speak to her personally, so she probably can't win.

You seem to be excusing her behaviour despite your explanation for it. OP is not the one in the wrong here despite the friend's situation.

I did not play up the “whoops” aspect. She asked why I had not told her we were TTC and I said we weren’t actively planning. I have no idea why she thought she would have a right to that knowledge, but either way she would have been angry with me- if I had been ttc and not said she would have been unhappy that she had been talking about her problems and I hadn’t said anything, just as she was when I replied that we weren’t. So yes, I suppose I could just have not said anything at all- perhaps it would have been wiser. But I was a bit taken aback by her response, so I think it’s probably fair to say I did have the most thoughtful or reasoned conversation with her.

I don’t think there’s anything you could have said or not said which would have affected the outcome. She’s clearly in a very bad place. Ignore her, go the wedding and most of all, congratulations!

And yet you have no excuse.

She needs learn how to fake it. After years of infertility I’m an absolute expert at smiling while my brain is reminding myself that surely I’m over half way through my life and I won’t have many years left to suffer this. And with my family history I’m hoping I’ll die much younger than average. It’s a great comfort in situations like your friends for me. All the while I’m smiling.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I've struggled to conceive for years with multiple failed IVF rounds and miscarriages. The grief and loneliness is something I couldn't begin to explain. I will be honest, I have loathed some of my friends who have gotten pregnant easily. I am angry that for some people they can just have sex and get pregnant, and getting pregnant equals having a baby and for me that path is so complicated. I sometimes confuse that anger with anger at them. However, I dont ever act on it or show it. I give the obligatory congratulations and explain I am happy for them (even though tbh I'm not really) but I will need some time and space. I do distance myself and I do do everything in my power to avoid seeing/hanging out with pregnant people as I have a really visceral reaction. So I do understand your friend's grief - and it sounds like she is really not coping.

That being said, I think you should still go to the wedding. I agree with PP that you should text her/her DH in advance to say that you will be there but you understand if she doesn't want to engage with you. Then it's up to her to decide if she is strong enough to attend. If she confronts you, just walk away. And please, please try to be kind - try not to talk about the pregnancy if she is within earshot. If someone asks, just answer briefly and change the subject. Please don't sit there stroking your bump for her to see. I know you shouldn't have to do these things but as someone else has said, you're winning in this situation and she is facing a very difficult turning point in her life so I'd give her that little bit of grace. She is obviously suffering and I'd say quite mentally unwell and she probably feels exceptionally isolated and scared for her future.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f*g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc.

I’m sorry she was horrible to you on the phone, particularly when you’d tried to be considerate about how you told her you were pregnant. I can understand how that was very upsetting for you. But honestly, given that it must have been immediately obvious she was in a lot of pain about the pregnancy, it sounds as if some of your replies were pretty insensitive and probably felt to her like rubbing salt in the wound. You really didn’t need to get drawn into discussing whether you had been TTC or not. I don’t think it’s difficult to understand why hearing ‘well we weren’t even really TTC, but we’re happy about it’ will have been awful for her, let alone starting to list to her all your other good fortune re financially secure, good relationship, good health - why was that necessary?

I understand maybe her attacks were making you feel defensive, but honestly it sounds either insensitive or actually baity on your part. I think once you’d realised she was so upset you should have just said ‘I wanted you to know privately, I’m sorry you’re upset about it, what you’re saying is upsetting me so I’m going to hang up now and give you some time to process it’ or similar. Then if you wanted to reconsider the friendship based on her behaviour fair enough, but you’d know that you’d behaved kindly and the fact that she reacted badly wasn’t your fault. As it is, it does sound like you were adding fuel to the fire with some of your comments.

This is why I'm very uncomfortable with the common MN narrative than women suffering with infertility should be able to behave however they like and need to be centred in everything their friends do or say. Even on this thread, people are excusing it. This kind of thing is not acceptable, no matter how much your friend wants a baby.

Go to the wedding. Avoid her, and have a plan worked out to extract yourself with grace if she causes a scene.