Friendship problems- AIBU to go even though it will upset her?

[jacks11]

I don’t think I am unreasonable- though accept my(possibly ex-) friend is struggling.

Good friend and her DH have been TTC for some time, several failed rounds if IVF and it looks increasingly like it just us not going to happen. Friend’s DH had agreed one last round IVF but says after this he would like to stop as they just can’t afford it and he feels emotionally it is becoming too much, though if they can conceive naturally (albeit unlikely) he’d be delighted. I, and our other friends, have always been as supportive as we can be and I think I have been a good friend in lots of other ways too. We’ve been friends for a long time.

DH and I have DC, as do most of our other friends. I am pregnant- this was unplanned- but we are happily surprised. We waited until 12 weeks and before we told anyone else (other than our parents). I messaged her to say I had something I wanted to tell her (at a time when she wasn’t at work or anything like that). She immediately messaged back to say “you’re bloody pregnant, aren’t you?”. I replied that I was and that I just wanted to let her know in private before anyone else found out. I genuinely thought this was the easiest way- she would get time to privately react however she felt, without having to put a brave face on/ think about how that would look to others etc. I’m happy to concede she might have preferred a different approach but this was genuinely with good intentions.

She called me a few minutes later and was absolutely horrible- she berated me for not telling her we were ttc. I said that a)if we had been it would not have been something we necessarily had to share with others if we didn’t want to; b) we weren’t exactly TTC, although we are happy about it; c) I would not have thought she would have wanted to know if we had been. She then replied “well, I can’t believe you let that happen” and “ that was f***g stupid of you”, kept going on about how it’s just irresponsible and something only “daft teenagers” do etc. was I really sure this was what I wanted? I said that even if not planned, we are happy about it, and it’s not as though we are in any way going to struggle- financially secure, solid relationship, both in good health etc. I was really taken aback- I expected she might be upset, perhaps want to keep her distance a bit (although I’d have missed her, I’d have understood why) or not want to hear much about my pregnancy. But she was actually utterly vile. I was really upset and appalled by her attitude, told her so and ended the phone-call.

I told my husband who was upset and angry too. We decided to just leave it, let things cool and see where we stood once we’d had time to calm down. I decided not to contact her again, leave the ball in her court regarding the next step.

I told our other friends re pregnancy and they are all delighted for us. DH is friends with her DH- he contacted DH to say he’d heard the news, congratulated him but said he knew his DW and I had “fallen out”. They had a chat and her DH was surprised by what DH told him about what had happened. He was actually quite shaken according to DH. He messaged me to say congratulations and he was sorry for how things went with his DW, she’s just really struggling and he hopes we could work it out. I replied thanking him and that he was not responsible for what his wife had said but appreciated the thought.

I had told two of my closest friends exactly what had happened. Some of our other friends could tell something had happened but I just said that things were strained and not really in contact with her, without giving details. She has been unpleasant about me to a few mutual friends- this has caused friction with them, and most have now sussed out why we aren’t speaking. I have not tried to get anyone to “take sides”. I’ve just carried on, other than not contacting her directly.

We are due to attend our friends wedding- DH is a groomsman. Friend and her DH are also invited. She has demanded that I do not go- DH can, but I can’t. Bride and groom have said we are both invited and if either of us feel we can’t be civil, then it’s best that that person don’t come. I am happy just to be polite and think we should be able to keep our distance. I fully intend to go. I’ve had a lot of messages demanding I “don’t take another thing” from her. I’ve ignored her.

Most of our friends feel she is being totally unreasonable, but two friends have suggested that I “give her this” as she’s struggling. I don’t feel much like putting her first, nor do I think it wise- frankly, if I give in to this it won’t stop at this event, she’ll just try to exclude me from other things. This has caused some friends to fall out and I feel really caught in the middle. AIBU to go?

it sounds as if some of your replies were pretty insensitive and probably felt to her like rubbing salt in the wound. You really didn’t need to get drawn into discussing whether you had been TTC or not.

This is the kind of crap I'm talking about. The OP should have avoided direct questions and chosen her words with extreme care when she was being insulted and berated? No.

She asked directly. I could have lied, I suppose. But then she would have been angry about that. I don’t think I was wrong to tell 2 friends. They do think she is wrong. Our mutual friends who think I should give her what she wants don’t think I am wrong/she is right- they have said she’s being pretty awful but just feel really sorry for her and want to try to help. At least thst is what they have said to me.

Fucking hell- she’s being a bitch! I can’t stand people who bring their personal struggles/vendettas/issues anywhere other than where they belong. Go to the wedding and have fun. Don’t let this cow spoil it for you.

Texting about important issues, or hinting at them, is never a good idea, as you have now discovered.

Go to the wedding

YANBU however if I were you I would me more concerned about the wedding being spoilt by her drama. It's nothing to do with the bride and groom. They in all liklihood would prefer her not to come if she cannot control herself but won't uninvite either of you. Maybe you should stay home just for the couple, not because she demanded it. I dont think I would say this for anything other than a wedding.

Infertility is heartbreaking but no one gets to dictate to someone else how many children they can have and where they can go.

You're right, if you don't go to the wedding then other demands on where you can go, who you can see, where your newborn (when baby arrives) can go, etc will follow.

You need to nip this in the bud and carry on exactly as you originally intended. She might not attend the wedding but that's her choice. Just tell anyone who thinks you should "give her this" that you won't be punished by anyone for being pregnant.

If she does go to the wedding make sure you keep your distance and don't give her any opportunity to speak to you alone. You need others around you if she is potentially going to kick off. Others need to witness what she says to understand the extent of her problems which will hopefully get her the support she needs.

The general advice on telling a friend struggling to conceive that you're pregnant is to do it via text because it gives them space to react privately, rather than presenting them with the news face to face and them getting very upset in front of you, which most people wouldn't want to do. Sounds like OPs "friend" would've reacted this way regardless of how she was told.

I disagree with this. I agree hinting at it was not the best path but as someone who has suffered with infertility for years, a text has always been very welcomed (particularly when timed for a point they know or expect I will be at home). When someone tells me they're pregnant, it feels like a punch to the stomach and I always burst into tears. I would much prefer that to happen over text so I dont make the other person's news about me and so I have some time to process my emotions in private and respond appropriately.

The other person is the one who should stay home, if they can’t trust themselves to behave. If they are having such a hard time dealing with it, they need to remove their own self from the situation, not demand someone else does.

Op has done nothing wrong.

She really doesn't sound mentally well. I would speak to her husband, tell him you're very concerned for her mental health and she needs help.

However, she's not being rational so she can't expect you not to go to the Wedding. I would keep this in mind when you're going over what she said to you. I know you're hurt but she's really not in her right mind.

If your friend wants to kick off at you and make someone else's wedding about her, then that speaks volumes about what sort of person she is. The fact she hasn't apologised for her outburst on the phone and is now trying to control whether you go to a friend's wedding is shocking.

Sorry, but she sounds like an awful person, plenty of people can't conceive or have other serious issues in life, and despite being in pain, they don't use it as an excuse to behave horribly towards other people. I take it she isn't being nasty to your husband despite him being equally responsible for creating the baby?!

You need to go to the wedding, or this will grow arms and legs. She will demand you not be at other events too. If she can't face you and doesn't want to go to the wedding, that is on her. It is not something you are taking away from her.

Someone should suggest to her husband that she gets some serious counselling.

I feel for your friend but you have nothing to apologise for. It was a difficult conversation that you tried to do your best with, it went sideways worse than anticipated and you were attacked. Yes, maybe you could’ve not said we weren’t actively trying but when under pressure unexpectedly we never get it 100% correct. You did your best.

I wouldn’t stay away from the wedding either, where do the demands stop otherwise. it will likely cause a divide in the group, fall outs always do. Sorry you’re dealing with this.

She would have been completely reasonable to feel sad/angry/upset. What she's going through is mentally torturous.

She is not however even remotely reasonable to act in this way, especially not trying to demand that you don't attend a wedding of a mutual friend. People can simultaneously be going through a hard time and also be an absolute bitch.

@jacks11 what @SeaGreenSeaGlass said is right - how can she try to exclude one of you but not the other? I’m sympathetic but if you did ‘give her this’ as others have said, that would be a precedent. You tried to give a heads-up to make things easier on her - you were damned if you, damned if you didn’t really. You not going would look far worse to those people who don’t know and turn some focus on that situation when it should be all about the wedding. I’d be ignoring her ridiculous demands and continuing to act with the dignity you have shown already. Oh, and if the others think you are wrong, I think you have every right to explain what really happened. I hope you manage to have a lovely day and things settle down.

‘Extreme care’ is your interpolation. I’m talking about basic tact. Most people exercise it on a daily basis, in a range of situations. It’s not hard.

me too. I didn't think I minded much until "not yet" became "not ever"
In life we will experience huge sadness and while its right that friends should be sensitive, its not right to expect to rule the world because we are hurt. You have done what you could for her, go to the wedding.

The friend should not have been asking!!

This.

There is also some responsibility on the ttc woman's DH to keep her in check. It sounds like her DH knows she was out of order, from his reaction to hearing what she had viciously said to OP. She was absolutely vile. And the woman's DH needs to make sure he keeps her in check on the day. Hopefully he is savvy enough to do that.

OP, you just go and have a good time. Your DH is part of the bridal party - how lovely! Enjoy it. Avoid this woman like the plague and ignore her.

You haven't done anything wrong and the TTC woman has serious mental health issues and needs some therapy.

Can't believe people are desperately trying to scrape out a way you must be at fault somehow.

Its completely ridiculous to castigate someone for not having the exact correct response when they were surprised and taken aback during the middle of an argument that had come out of nowhere! Real life isn't scripted. Sometimes when people make ridiculous allegations it's hard to respond perfectly. And tbh I think it's fine to tell her you weren't actively trying - she ASKED this so if OP hadn't told her side she'd have had to lie.
It sounds like either way she'd have something to kick off about- she said herself if you had been deliberately ttc she would have been angry you didn't tell her. There was no way for you to win.

Also don't see any issue with you telling 2 people when she's telling literally everyone else her side. It's not like they wouldn't have noticed anyway when she inevitable starts glaring at op during the wedding or whatever. Why should op allow the incorrect version her "friend" is obviously going round telling everyone be the only account they hear, if she doesnt stand up for herself.

Also op I think it was very gracious of you to say that you'd "fallen out" with this friend. I'd have been more specific and said "she's upset that I'm pregnant". By saying you've fallen out it sounds like it's a 50/50 disagreement, but it isn't - you've done nothing. This is 100% on her.

You are not being unreasonable about the wedding. You should go and your friends should either sit it out or come along and be polite, give you a wide berth and focus on making sure the bride and groom don't feel uncomfortable.

YABU for how you dealt with this. Your friend is going through an incredibly hard tine. You didn't need to lie about it being unplanned, you could have avoiding going into detail.

Your ex-fiend was insensitive and unkind. You have been too, even if the wasn't your intension in the original conversation. . Give her some grace and rise about it. Stop talking about it with your other friend. There are no sides to take.

I think you could have dealt with your ex-friend's husband better. You are already right, unkind things were said after your pregnancy announcement. You are being insensitive and the friendship probably cannot survive this. It doesn't sound like you want it to,

I feel extremely sorry for your friends and hope they get the help they need.

Does her husband know that she is trying to ban you from the wedding? Might be worth getting your husband to speak to hers in advance?

It’s up to the bride and groom who they invite. If she doesn’t want to see you she can stay away. She’s using you to vent her emotions. Hopefully she will realise this eventually and apologise when she is back to thinking rationally.