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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you had your own Mother present when you gave birth?

308 replies

Wiseplumant · 07/08/2025 14:34

I am interested in this because my own mother died years before my DD was born, so it was never an issue. I think I would have been fairly horrified at the thought! But then I was only 15 when she died, so we may have had a closer relationship by the time I had kids of my own. Did anyone decide to have their Mother present but changed their mind when it came to time. Or did you definitely decide you didn't want her there, but changed your mind and really needed her there? What about women who were with their daughters as they gave birth, did you want to /feel privalaged to be there? Or was it very traumatic for you,but you felt that if your daughter wanted you there you would be there no matter what?

OP posts:
Gymrabbit · 07/08/2025 14:36

It wouldn’t have occurred to me or any of my friends. Though a friends sister in law had her MIL there as she wasn’t close with her own mother which I thought was very strange.

Zov · 07/08/2025 14:37

Oh hell no. Couldn't think of anything worse! 😂

wizzywig · 07/08/2025 14:38

No way. She'd make it about herself

DancingintheSpoonlight · 07/08/2025 14:38

With my eldest, the plan was just me with her Dad and hospital staff, but as I got closer to actually pushing I very emphatically insisted she came.
The Dad wasn’t the most supportive birthing partner so I was glad she came.
2nd child I just had DH (different Dad) and it was totally different, and I was just glad to have DH.

diterictur · 07/08/2025 14:38

I would have hated this.

I realise some women have very co dependent relationships with their mothers and basically treat them as the co parent with the father of the child as a hanger on but that's not my thing

Makingpeace · 07/08/2025 14:39

Absolutely no way I'd want my mother there. We have a great relationship, but just no.

HeyThereDelila · 07/08/2025 14:39

No, I had my DH with me.

Each to their own, but birth is between you and your spouse, if you have one.

Wolfhat · 07/08/2025 14:40

First birth was tail end of covid so couldn't have her there but I wouldn't have wanted her there. We are very close but I only wanted husband and midwife. Second birth, my mum lives next door and it was a homebirth but she stayed in her own house and only came round after me and baby we all clean and in pjs. I wouldn't have felt comfortable having her around before that. But im a private person.

What my mum and MIL did do which I was so grateful for is all the bits so me and baby and husband could really be in a bubble. They did food, tea, sorted the house, spoilt the big one rotten and allowed me to settle with the baby. I will forever be grateful to them both for that.

Waterlogged · 07/08/2025 14:44

I had my mum and partner. Most of my friends did the same

MidnightPatrol · 07/08/2025 14:44

No chance!

It’s funny, in the US birth seems to be a spectator sport, with a wide range of relatives and in-laws potentially expected to be able to attend.

I find it utterly bizarre. I barely wanted to be at my own birth, wanting to attend someone’s else’s… just why.

I’d go if someone desperately wanted me there, but I can’t imagine actively wanting to be present. People actually fall out over not being invited to other people’s births - imagine!

namestealer · 07/08/2025 14:45

No chance. Unless DH couldn't be there for some reason (because he was very ill himself) then I might have asked her to come. For #1 she didn't even know I was in labour until I called to say baby was here.... the only reason she knew for #2 was because we needed someone to look after #1!

Showerflowers · 07/08/2025 14:46

I’ve been there for three of my grandchildren’s births. Both my dd’s asked for me to be there. I’ll be there again for fourth grandchild soon. Son in laws there also. We are close and they’ve wanted me there so I have done it.

but I won’t lie I’ve found it very distressing and scary. Seeing my child in such pain, and there were complications with both of my dd with their first borns. I’ve loved actually seeing my grandchildren take their first breath but my gosh I think it’s taken a few years off my life lol

ChipKing · 07/08/2025 14:50

God, no.

gingercat02 · 07/08/2025 14:50

God no! She's lovely but she would have been horrified at the idea. When my DBs and I were born, Dad's waited outside so she wouldn't have wanted to be there. DH was annoying enough all.in his own (he's lovely too but got right on my tits trying to be "helpful ")

MissIonX · 07/08/2025 14:51

Nope, just DH and me for both our children.

I have a friend who had her mum there but they are very enmeshed generally so that wasn't a huge surprise, but her dh has said to mine he was disappointed as the mother took over and pushed him aside. He did say it's what his wife (my friend) wanted so he supported the decision.

My estranged cousin... spectator sport. She had her oh, her mum and MIL there and FIL waiting in the waiting room. Hospital weren't happy as only meant to be 2 but they kept rotating and just ignoring instructions to leave. They all posed for photos with the placenta at the end too... utterly bizarre!

suburburban · 07/08/2025 14:51

No and my dds didn’t want me there when they were giving birth

Hadalifeonce · 07/08/2025 14:51

Apart from Health care professionals, only those present at conception were allowed at the birth.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/08/2025 14:54

Even if I had wanted her there, there’s no way my mum would have bothered to come and be there while I was in labour.

I had long labours, and my PIL lived nearby when I was having ds1 - they came and visited while I was in labour - that was nice, and actually, I’m sure my MIL would have been there like a shot, if I’d thought of asking her to be there for the birth - and she would have been very supportive.

My lovely DIL had her mum there, as well as my ds1, when she was in labour, and it was lovely to see how much support she gave her dd and my ds.

Eggsyummyeggs · 07/08/2025 14:54

My mum wanted to come to my kids births but that was the last thing I wanted.
Dd1 my sister was with me.
Ds1 I was on my own with the two midwives.
Ds2 my my sister was with me again.
Ds3 my friend was at the birth.

BernardButlersBra · 07/08/2025 15:06

No way! It was husband who was there with me. He managed to catch covid near the end of pregnancy and l had a friend lined up as back up. But he was fine by the birth and the pregnancy went to 37 weeks -l had twins and often they don't go on that long

My mum is hard work and annoying on a good day, it would end up being all about her. How this didn't happen with her (she had me decades ago ok!), she's glad she's not me, she's tired etc etc

BetweenTwoFerns · 07/08/2025 15:07

No and I don’t know anyone who even considered it.

mamabearlove · 07/08/2025 15:07

I was my daughter’s birth partner with my 1st grandchild because the father not involved.
It was the most beautiful experience and I felt so honoured to be there,my daughter was awesome and still is .
I was present at the birth of her second child because both her and her partner asked me for my support. Am glad I did because the 2nd birth very quick and traumatic and baby had to be resuscitated. Can honestly say the 20mins after the birth was the most terrifying experience,not hearing an audible cry or breath ! Baby went to SCBU once resuscitated .
Thank goodness I was there to support them and to ensure that the communication between the professionals and parents was consistent and reassuring.
Also I was able to 100% understand exactly how traumatic the birth was to help support the parents for the few weeks after the birth.
Baby is now absolutely thriving and the memory is now fading but awful for the first few months.

Cutleryclaire · 07/08/2025 15:08

I’m very close to my mum but definitely not. It’s the role of the father (if present) to be there.

ellie09 · 07/08/2025 15:08

I had my mum and my now ex-H there as Ex-H was a dick and me and my mum knew that he would be useless in supporting me.

We were correct.

He disappeared for hours with his own mother, and just after giving birth, accused me of cheating on him and stomped around the delivery room when he was told his mum couldn't come in.

I was very glad that my mum was there to support me at my most vulnerable moments.

thornbury · 07/08/2025 15:08

No, and I didn't have my husband there either 😆