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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you had your own Mother present when you gave birth?

308 replies

Wiseplumant · 07/08/2025 14:34

I am interested in this because my own mother died years before my DD was born, so it was never an issue. I think I would have been fairly horrified at the thought! But then I was only 15 when she died, so we may have had a closer relationship by the time I had kids of my own. Did anyone decide to have their Mother present but changed their mind when it came to time. Or did you definitely decide you didn't want her there, but changed your mind and really needed her there? What about women who were with their daughters as they gave birth, did you want to /feel privalaged to be there? Or was it very traumatic for you,but you felt that if your daughter wanted you there you would be there no matter what?

OP posts:
edwinbear · 07/08/2025 16:08

I didn’t even have DH second time around, he was at home with DC1. It went much smoother with just me and the midwives. I’d have clamped completely shut with my mother there as well faffing about. No thank you!

Philandbill · 07/08/2025 16:09

No, she does not cope with anything at all medical. Goes into a massive fret and it would have been grim for us both. I love her dearly but she was not a good choice as birth supporter. DD2 was a planned home birth and I didn't tell my mum that was what we'd decided on as she'd have worried too much. DH was a superb birth supporter 😀

indoorplantqueen · 07/08/2025 16:10

My mum was there for the labour with my dh, but at the final stages I was taken to theatre so only dh could come, otherwise she would have seen the birth. My mum has been present for 5 of her DGG. Myself and my sisters all wanted her there alongside our DH’s. My SIL had her mum present at her births. I think it’s fairly common, well it certainly is in my circles.

ShesTheAlbatross · 07/08/2025 16:11

No, I felt like I’d be in enough pain without adding her presence tbh

youalright · 07/08/2025 16:11

Nope I would rather give birth alone if my partner couldn't be there . I get on fine with my mum its just a bit weird.

FluffMagnet · 07/08/2025 16:13

No. I had planned CSs both times, and only one person is allowed in the theatre with you anyway, but I know my mum did really want to be in there. For her sake, not mine. She went cold turkey on HRT just before I fell pregnant with my first and was an absolute nightmare for the whole time, and then when staying after to "help" me recover. It scarred me so much that when planning for DC2's birth, during COVID restrictions, we knew DH would have to test negative before being allowed in with me and I planned for my dad as back up if DH had tested positive. Thankfully DH was negative and never had to have that convo with my parents, but I needed someone I could rely on in the ward to keep me and the baby fed, watered and pain free without taking over...

CurlewKate · 07/08/2025 16:15

No. But she was my stand-by.

ArabellaScott · 07/08/2025 16:16

MidnightPatrol · 07/08/2025 14:44

No chance!

It’s funny, in the US birth seems to be a spectator sport, with a wide range of relatives and in-laws potentially expected to be able to attend.

I find it utterly bizarre. I barely wanted to be at my own birth, wanting to attend someone’s else’s… just why.

I’d go if someone desperately wanted me there, but I can’t imagine actively wanting to be present. People actually fall out over not being invited to other people’s births - imagine!

I barely wanted to be at my own birth

😂

OP, I love my mother and we're close, but I wouldn't have wanted her at my birth.

socks1107 · 07/08/2025 16:17

Yes for my first. By total fluke she was visiting as lives 300 miles away, and I was 36 weeks pregnant. I had horrible tummy ache ( now I know contractions) and the labour ward said to pp in, after a few hours she drive over to the hospital with my dad with some bits of food and a magazine and ended up being in room when 15 minutes my daughter was born. My dad came in shortly after once I was covered up!
Didnt plan and wouldn’t have had it any other way

twobabiesandapup · 07/08/2025 16:18

Mine died before my children were born but I hadn’t seen her in the years prior as we had no relationships so obviously would’ve been a firm no! However regardless of that I can’t imagine wanting anyone there other than my partner, couldn’t imagine anything worse than having what I would consider to be spectators 😂

starrynight009 · 07/08/2025 16:19

Yes. But my DDs biological father wasn't present so I was very grateful to have my mum there, especially as I ended up being in labour for 43 hours with a dramatic emergency C-section at the end of it! She was the first person to hold my DD and they still have a wonderful relationship to this day.

greengreyblue · 07/08/2025 16:19

I really wanted my mum there during the Labour with first child but didn’t consider it beforehand. In the end there wasn’t enough time.

BlondieMuver · 07/08/2025 16:20

My dm was with me when I had my first dc as I was a single parent.
But not subsequent dc as my exdp was there.

MsJen · 07/08/2025 16:21

Dear God no. My mother turned up when I was in labour but I turned her away. No idea why she did that, we don’t have that type of relationship. I can only assume some of her friends were at their daughter’s births and she wanted to pretend we were close.

LBFseBrom · 07/08/2025 16:23

I did not and never even thought of it. I was happy with the midwives and my husban, cannot see how my mum would have added anything. I went into hospital at 04.30 and had my baby at 06.35, would hardly of got her out of bed in the middle of the night. She and my parents in law came along to the hospital in the afternoon to see me and their grandchild so all was well. Both helped me for a while when I came home.

Specter1989 · 07/08/2025 16:23

I would of had my mil at my childrens birth,don't know why that would of been strange?
I had been estranged from my parents and my mil was amazing.
But unfortunately she died just before I found out I was pregnant.

BrassOlive · 07/08/2025 16:24

Showerflowers · 07/08/2025 14:46

I’ve been there for three of my grandchildren’s births. Both my dd’s asked for me to be there. I’ll be there again for fourth grandchild soon. Son in laws there also. We are close and they’ve wanted me there so I have done it.

but I won’t lie I’ve found it very distressing and scary. Seeing my child in such pain, and there were complications with both of my dd with their first borns. I’ve loved actually seeing my grandchildren take their first breath but my gosh I think it’s taken a few years off my life lol

Wow that's amazing, you must be a fabulous Mum if they asked for you to be there.

FridayNightSinner · 07/08/2025 16:24

I was unsure, but had her there for my first and glad I did. She died suddenly and unexpectedly not long after.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 07/08/2025 16:24

No, she lives abroad and we're not close. I did have a doula though

DinoLil · 07/08/2025 16:26

Not with DC1 who was born in hospital. DC2 was born at home. DM decided to come round during late stages of labour to 'clear up' downstairs. She said she couldn't bear to hear me labouring so came upstairs to watch her second grandson being born. She wasn't invited but I couldn't care less if the whole street had paid tickets to watch at that point!

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 07/08/2025 16:26

Yanbu to ask if we would or would not have our mothers at childbirth.
Like you, my mum passed away before I had DC so she could not be there.
If she had lived, I would not have wanted her at the childbirth, but visiting a few weeks later would have been ok.

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 07/08/2025 16:28

I had my mother there. She was great. I didn’t want my partner there which seems to be the thing these days.

Odiebay · 07/08/2025 16:28

She will be there when I give birth along with my husband. Couldn't imagine her not being. But then again we are very close and she would genuinely be there for me and respect anything I asked.

CarpetKnees · 07/08/2025 16:29

No, I didn't.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to insert my mother into such a personal moment for me and dh.

She was on stand by in case dc1 came early and quickly as dh was working away quite a lot in the last couple of months of my pregnancy, so I wouldn't have to be alone, but that was only if dh couldn't get there in time. Never as well as.

FrayaMorstater · 07/08/2025 16:29

I had my mum as my birth partner and she was amazing. My ex husband was useless and drunk
when I went into labour. I would have never have wanted him there anyway. She was the only person I would have wanted with me.