AIBU to ask if you had your own Mother present when you gave birth?

[Wiseplumant]

I am interested in this because my own mother died years before my DD was born, so it was never an issue. I think I would have been fairly horrified at the thought! But then I was only 15 when she died, so we may have had a closer relationship by the time I had kids of my own. Did anyone decide to have their Mother present but changed their mind when it came to time. Or did you definitely decide you didn't want her there, but changed your mind and really needed her there? What about women who were with their daughters as they gave birth, did you want to /feel privalaged to be there? Or was it very traumatic for you,but you felt that if your daughter wanted you there you would be there no matter what?

No, EXH who was useless,and deeply irritating. I didn't want him there at all after my first baby but he insisted. If my daughter asked me I would definitely support her. Not sure that she would ask but I would be honoured to be there.

I did for my first, along with my DH.

My DM is very respectful and doesn't get in your face or officious. She said she found it really fascinating and that it was a privilege.

I wouldn't have been mega upset if I couldn't have had her there, and I don't really know why I wanted it particularly; we're just close and it was something I was happy to share with her.

i actually had my own dad there.

it absolutely wasn’t planned. We were at the hospital visiting my grandad when I went in to a very very quick labour a few weeks earlier than due.

he was actually really good, calm and supportive.

Turning OP's question 180 degrees around to those who have already answered; would you attend your daughter's or DIL's birth if you had the option?

I did have my mum with me for my first, and if I had the opportunity I would happily assist in my daughter or DIL's. Personally I think having someone with you who had been through it and understands is far more practical than having a potentially clueless partner there (not that they should be excluded). I understand that not everyone has a great relationship with their mum, and birthing partners need to be the strong, silent type that offer practical help and support, and most of all should be 100% there for the birthing mother and her best interests. Could we do that for our kids, and would they let us?

That's a lovely story, I'm so glad you had that support. Quick births are an absolute lottery, you hit the jackpot being at a hospital and having your dad there!

I did! It was my first baby and just wanted the support of my mum who had done it before. My DH was there too - he was totally on board and expected my mum to be there too. I wouldn't have change a thing - it was an extra person for support (for both me and my DH), it didn't feel intrusive at all and she said she loved the experience so much and felt it was such an honour to meet her first granddaughter that way.

If I had more, I'd definitely consider asking her again - although I'd worry about my DD so I'd probably want my mum there for her (rather than Mil lol).

It’s fascinating to read all these replies. My mum died when I was young so of course she couldn’t have been there but I dream of having the kind of relationship where I could have depended on her. Obviously it’s all a fantasy and I have no idea how our relationship would have panned out. Maybe it’s a bit of a comfort to know that mother/daughter relationships aren’t always perfect!

Mine wasn’t there, and I wouldn’t have wanted her. We got on pretty well but not super close. TBH I would never have wanted anybody except dh, and for dd1 he was an 8 hour flight away anyway.

When it came to dd having her first, I didn’t want to know until it was all safely over - I’d have been in such a tizz. But she had her dh with her, which was what she wanted.

I don't like to chat or be touched when in labour either - I told DH that and he stopped. But what he was great for was advocating for me - when I knew labour was moving fast and the midwife has just wandered off because she thought I wasn't in labour, he went to get someone very fast and shouted for help. My mum would have told me to stop making a fuss.

He also put up with some highly specific snack requests and did a lot of runs to the hospital M&S

Absolutely not to my own mother. She’d have been a liability. I would for my own daughters if asked but would hope that they’d have loving and supporting partners so I wouldn’t be needed.

I find the spectator sport type approach really bizarre tbh. What do these people who hang around the hospital do if it’s a long birth? My first was 3 days. Surely just waiting for a call is much more sensible.

I’d also say support needs varied across my two births. First one very long and I absolutely needed someone to advocate for me and be there and a feeling that someone was on my side. I was also on a lot of drugs. Second birth was very fast and a bit of a shock as we were prepared for a re-run of the first one. Could have very easily been a car park baby. Husband nearly missed it as he was faffing with the parking metre as it wasn’t accepting his coins and then got lost. I don't remember being that bothered as was totally in the zone and didn’t want anyone to touch or talk to me but fortunately he re-appeared just as the baby was coming out.

This.
If she had been the only option I would rather it just be me and midwives. Truly.

for our first my mother in law wanted to be ‘at the hospital’ as my husband apparently needed support too! I really don’t know what support she felt he would need or when she expected him to get it. Was he supposed to leave me alone to go out and get support from his mummy? Add to that, in our hospital the maternity ward is on the 6th floor and the bistro/canteen is in the basement so she wouldn’t exactly been close.

Thankfully my husband didn’t entertain such thoughts and it was just us both times.

That’s lovely if that’s what worked for you all and you sound really nice but I couldn’t help but smile to myself and think my partner wouldn’t have made it out the hospital alive if I’d heard him say he was overwhelmed and needed a breather 😂 saying that though you say the parents are young so I guess it’s probably a much different situation to a couple in their late 30s!

Absolutely no ! She’s not good in any situation like that at all , she fusses and isn’t practical in any way whatsoever

Same.

No. She would have been the absolute last person I would have wanted there. I would rather have had my dad there! I just had my husband.

I had my MIL with me for the birth of all my kids, my mum is complete child and hard work. MIL was more of a mum figure to me and was really good at pushing for what she knew I wanted and being listened to (I had quite quick labours so when they tried to turn me away she didn’t take no for an answer - 30 mins later my son was born!) didnt find it weird!

To each their own but no way would I have wanted my mum at any of my babies births. It was bad enough she was buzzing around while I was in labour at home with my 2nd (childcare for the oldest). I am very selective about who is around when I am at my most vulnerable and she doesn’t make the cut as she’s too self centred.

No I didn’t and wouldn’t have my mum there. We are very close and she definitely would have attended if I asked, but I would prefer to just be alone. DH was there but in an ideal world he wouldn’t have been 😂 I find it easier to deal with things like pain when I am alone.

My mum worked in the hospital and was on night shift when I went into labour so she was with me a lot.
But I was 17 and my thankfully now ex partner was horrendous so I preferred having her anyway.

My daughter asked me to be present at her first and second births. I was honoured to be asked. I was as helpful as possible, i hope i wasnt intrusive, i did what i would have wanted in her position. It was amazing to be there. 2nd birth was a water birth. Lovely memories. Have tears thinking about it, beautiful and such a privilege. Thanks for asking xx
Wasnt there for twins birth due to covid.

Exactly the same here
Close with my mum, great relationship but nope to having her at my births!
Only wanted DH there.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum also died before my daughter arrived. We were very close and I definitely would have wanted her at my birth. I had my mother in law there instead, we have a brilliant relationship and I have no regrets about her being there.

It ended up being the best thing because I had a traumatic birth. I needed surgery within an hour of my baby’s birth, had and an ICU admission, and my husband was beside himself with shock and anxiety. Thankfully my baby was well but couldn’t be with me because I was so unwell. She supported my husband, held baby when I couldn’t and my husband was too scared about me to do anything at all.

Nothing will take away the pain of losing my mother early in my life, and my child never knowing her grandmother but I am truly grateful to have had my mother in law at my birth. To me there was something magical about my child’s other grandmother being present, and just a woman who had been through birth multiple times guiding me through it and also supporting her son/my husband through it.

No! My mum tried, and she worked at the hospital at the time and had a pass to get onto the ward, but the midwife apparently asked DP if she could come in. He said absolutely not, without asking me. God the stress it would have caused me, she's not easy. It feels right for the co-parent to be there.