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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you had your own Mother present when you gave birth?

308 replies

Wiseplumant · 07/08/2025 14:34

I am interested in this because my own mother died years before my DD was born, so it was never an issue. I think I would have been fairly horrified at the thought! But then I was only 15 when she died, so we may have had a closer relationship by the time I had kids of my own. Did anyone decide to have their Mother present but changed their mind when it came to time. Or did you definitely decide you didn't want her there, but changed your mind and really needed her there? What about women who were with their daughters as they gave birth, did you want to /feel privalaged to be there? Or was it very traumatic for you,but you felt that if your daughter wanted you there you would be there no matter what?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 07/08/2025 15:11

My mum came to my first birth, I was quite young though, only 20. I was glad she was there, she was a very calming supportive presence.

She found it difficult and asked not to be there for the next time. I didn't particularly feel I needed her the next time, I was much older and had a more supportive partner.

songbird3086 · 07/08/2025 15:12

Lord no. It’s not a spectator sport!!

CherryAlmondLattice · 07/08/2025 15:13

She interfered in so many aspects of my life - this was one time I could keep her opinions out. Although I asked everyone not to come to the hospital, and she was there when I left the labour ward.

Original poster
Wiseplumant · 07/08/2025 15:17

Thank you for all your different perspectives , interesting reading. I suppose it would have been more usual for mother's to be helping at the birth of their Grandchildren in the past. My feeling is that I probably wouldn't have wanted my mother there either.I wouldn't particularly want to be present if my DD gave birth, but I would be available if she wanted me there.

OP posts:
helphelpimbeingrepressed · 07/08/2025 15:20

I’d planned to have my mum as back up as DH was working away the week before DD was due but she arrived while he was at home. Mum turned up to the hospital which I’d thought would be good but she was very irritating - kept wanting to hold DD instead of me and DH, tried to give her a bottle when I was BF, and worst of all, pinched my post Labour toast!

She was not invited (or told) when DS arrived and it was a far smoother transition.

luckylavender · 07/08/2025 15:20

Good God no. I only wanted DH & he nearly missed it.

arachnidadriana · 07/08/2025 15:21

Absolutely no way would I have, either time! We’re close and she is supportive but just no way she would drive me to absolute distraction. First time I didn’t tell anyone other except DH that I was in labour, we just announced when baby arrived. Second time I had a planned CS and my Mum looked after our eldest so she knew, but no one else did.

I only wanted DH, it was our experience to go through together. If I’d have wanted my Mum there I’m sure he would’ve supported me, but I didn’t want to.

For my own daughter (mine are still
children so hard to imagine!) absolutely I would go if she wanted me to, but I wouldn’t expect to be asked. I would find it really, really hard to see her in pain and not be able to fix it or stop it, but I would put a brave face on it and support her if that’s what she wanted because that’s what us mums do!

I only have one friend who asked her Mum to come. She came to all three of her births, along with her DH, who was perfectly happy with it. No one else I know has had their Mum there, or as far as I know, would’ve wanted them.

NavyRose · 07/08/2025 15:23

I did but I was 22, unplanned pregnancy and my boyfriend was terrified so I had them both there as I felt like if I needed support my mum would be better than him🤣 Now we are 32/33 I don't think I'd have her again if I got pregnant now.

LacStCharles · 07/08/2025 15:23

Never in a month of Sundays.

However a friend had her mum and not her DH twice because the DH passes out at the sight of blood.

SwingTheMonkey · 07/08/2025 15:24

Jesus, no. I love my mum and we get on well but absolutely not. I only wanted my Dh there when our kids were born. He’d have also hated it if I’d asked my mum to be there too - luckily I agreed that it’s really odd in cases where your partner is helpful and supportive.

To add, I don’t want to be there if/when my daughter has a baby either!

SparklyGlitterballs · 07/08/2025 15:25

I had just DH there. Partly because I wanted those first minutes/hours just us three and also because I didn't want that part of me on show to my mother. She never expected for a moment to be there.

I have two DDs but likewise, I wouldn't expect to be invited if they ever have babies. If they asked I would consider it, but I'd stay away from the 'business end' to preserve their dignity.

Mrsttcno1 · 07/08/2025 15:25

I had both my mum & my husband there with my when I had my daughter. Was really very grateful of that when things turned very urgent, the emergency alarm’s were pushed within seconds of her being born & both of us had to be rushed in different directions due to pph/sepsis as it meant my husband went with baby and mum stayed with me. I’d have been terrified to be alone in those moment's but equally could not have had my baby be alone. I’d love to have my mum there again for this baby but she may be looking after our eldest so we will see.

It is pretty normal to be mum & partner among people we know though, I don’t know anyone who didn’t have their mum there.

Moveoverdarlin · 07/08/2025 15:27

I’m extremely close to my mother but I would categorically not want her at the birth of my children. Me and my DH were fine on are own.

FuriousInventions · 07/08/2025 15:28

Good Lord, no!
I didn’t even want DP there (despite the midwife’s insistence that he HAD to be there for the whole labour)… he’s incredibly squeamish with blood/pain/hospitals, and I’m incredibly irritable and intolerant when I’m in pain so I was happy for him to leave me to it and just pop in to see baby come out.
In the end he went out and the (other, nice) midwife phoned him to come back in just as baby was being pushed out. He still stayed away from the business end.

NazeLife · 07/08/2025 15:29

Yes, I did with my first one. I wanted her there as well as DH because I thought her profession (and personality) would make her a better advocate for me if things went wrong than DH who hates hospitals. Also, she had given birth three times and been at two of my sisters births by then so I trusted she know something about it. Now she is older I wouldn’t do it (but also it’s highly unlikely I’d have another baby!) because she is more likely to get anxious and panicky now, but at the time I saw her as (and she was) strong and capable and with my best interests always at heart.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 07/08/2025 15:30

No I just wanted my husband with me. I actually think it’s a really strange thing to not have the person that you’ve supposedly chosen to spend the rest of your life with not be the first person you seek comfort from. It could be a coincidence and I’m probably being terribly judgemental but of the few people I know that chose their mother over their partner are now divorced.

deveronvalley · 07/08/2025 15:30

My plan was to have my husband there and the midwife gave us an ETA for baby arrival which he communicated to my parents, they arrived hoping to meet the baby after my husband and I had had sometime on our own with him. Baby didn’t play ball with this plan, my parents arrived, many more hours passed by, still no baby, my husband took a break outside with my dad, then I was taken into surgery and my mum was the only one there so along she came too! My husband missed the birth! Nobody was upset though and my mum now says it was one of the highlights of her life!

HansHolbein · 07/08/2025 15:32

God no! I would have had my mother in law there if she wanted to be as we are very close.

In the end I had two sections so only my husband was allowed in anyway.

StopRainingNow · 07/08/2025 15:32

My mum was at my 1st, 2nd was a section but she was in the waiting room, 3rd was pretty much half the family as DS came so quickly. Mum was also at my sisters births too.

DarkForces · 07/08/2025 15:34

I wanted it just to be dh and I. I don't think it was ever suggested my mum might be there. Everyone was very welcome once she was born. Dh's family waited until we were settled at home as it took about a week for dd and I to be discharged as it was a tricky birth and she wasn't well, but that was their choice. My parents visited the day after she arrived!

BubblyBath178 · 07/08/2025 15:35

Yes and she was very helpful. I’d been pushing for 2 hours and nothing was happening. In the end, she told the midwife that if she didn’t get the doctor then she (my mum) was going to find one! When the doctor arrived, she actually said to the midwife ‘why didn’t you get me sooner?’ before delivering my daughter via ventouse.

SockQueen · 07/08/2025 15:35

No, I didn't. She ended up being out of the country on holiday both times in the end (not deliberately timed!) but I wouldn't have wanted her with me. We have a great relationship and I love her loads, but I didn't need her for childbirth. Needed her for plenty else afterwards though!

JoanChitty · 07/08/2025 15:38

When I had my first daughter my mum popped in to see me as she was the sister on the ward above! I was taken in with preeclampsia when I was 34 weeks and in those days 35+ years ago, you were on bed rest.They would induce at 38 weeks.
Mum came to see me every morning before she started her shift and at lunchtime.
During labour she came in once but obviously she was at working. She did arrange for my dh to have a meal which is more than I got! When our daughter was born the staff left the three of us alone for a little while so we could have a few precious minutes just us. After I had been made comfortable both my Mum and Dad were allowed in the delivery room to see her their first grandchild.

BreakingBroken · 07/08/2025 15:39

As a Canadian (retired) labor and delivery nurse, I’d say 25% have moms present. I’d also say extremely few male partners are remotely helpful. Zero men seem to know how to tie back their partners hair, or know what a damn head band is. They need guidance to rub backs and massage legs for 5 seconds before being bored. They need direction in all things including what food or drink options would be suitable; Big Mac during transition, orange gateraid.
DD requested I attend her second delivery, absolutely beautiful.

CheeseWisely · 07/08/2025 15:41

Hello no. I’d sooner have given birth on the centre circle at Wembley than with my Mother in the room.