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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you had your own Mother present when you gave birth?

308 replies

Wiseplumant · 07/08/2025 14:34

I am interested in this because my own mother died years before my DD was born, so it was never an issue. I think I would have been fairly horrified at the thought! But then I was only 15 when she died, so we may have had a closer relationship by the time I had kids of my own. Did anyone decide to have their Mother present but changed their mind when it came to time. Or did you definitely decide you didn't want her there, but changed your mind and really needed her there? What about women who were with their daughters as they gave birth, did you want to /feel privalaged to be there? Or was it very traumatic for you,but you felt that if your daughter wanted you there you would be there no matter what?

OP posts:
GG1986 · 07/08/2025 16:29

Absolutely no way!!
I know a few people who have had their mums there and my close friend had her dad there!
Both times I had my partner there and made a rule that no one was allowed to show up unannounced as I was worried MIL would, luckily she didn't.

Cavello · 07/08/2025 16:30

wizzywig · 07/08/2025 14:38

No way. She'd make it about herself

Same!

MCF86 · 07/08/2025 16:31

God no. She stayed with me until it was time to push, but I didn't want her there for that any more than she would want to see it. She sat in the waiting room with DS dad (we'd already split up and I wasn't having him in there either)

ThatJoyousScroller · 07/08/2025 16:31

I love my other and am close to her but I cojkdnt think of anything worse then having my mother present while giving birth. It was just my husband and if it couldn’t have been him, I would have given birth alone as preference

DeirdreChambersWhatACoincidence · 07/08/2025 16:33

I didn't want anyone at all, my daughter's father had already left me by then, but in the event I was very ill and had an emergency section and my mother came in with me. Seeing her very frightened by it didn't really help me much but I'm glad she did, because I was so ill I couldn't hold my daughter or any of that.

marmiteandcheeseoncrumpetspls · 07/08/2025 16:33

My DH wanted my Mum there as he was worried he wouldn't cope very well.
I had a better relationship with her then than I do now, so was fine with it.

She ended up being a massive disappointment as a DG. It's tarnished our relationship beyond repair.

Rozendantz · 07/08/2025 16:34

My mother was a massive prude (even telling me about periods was clearly torturous for her). I'd cheerfully have shoved my arm in a blender before having her in the delivery room.

Even if you're close to your mother I struggle to imagine why you'd want her there...it's an experience to share with your partner. And to be honest, if DH hadn't wanted to be there I'd happily have done it with just the midwife.

Icanttakethisanymore · 07/08/2025 16:35

God, no 😂

Shitwithsugar · 07/08/2025 16:40

Wouldn't have dreamed of DM being there.
Nor my Mil for that matter.
DD had a c section after a long difficult labour. I'd been there most of the time.
Her DH was in the theatre with her which was correct.

Yet Dil who was an orphan kindly asked me to be in the room with DS.
When it was nearly time I was preparing to leave and she asked me to stay.
It's over 25 years ago and all I can remember is baby coming out.
His beautiful face covered in mess.
It was me that cleaned her up as midwife was not able as there were other babies being born and hardly any staff.
She is 'my extra daughter'

Both DD and Dil went on to have more babies and I was looking after the other children so never experienced it again.

Waitingfordoggo · 07/08/2025 16:40

It doesn’t seem very common in my social/friendship groups. I can’t easily name anyone I know who had their mum there.

My mum was around when I was in early labour both times. The first time it was because we went to a local event with my Mum and Dad. Contractions kicked in while I was there and then began to ramp up so DH and I headed off earlier than planned but Mum helped coach me through some of the contractions which was lovely. With second DC, mum came to collect DC1 so I could get on with birthing and she spent a bit of time with me then.

I didn’t consider asking her to be at the births but now she’s been gone a fair while and I miss her and that makes me think I wish she’d been there.

I would love it if DD invited me to attend when she was giving birth, but she is adamant she won’t be having any children so I don’t think it’ll happen and I’m fine with that.

ravenclaworslytherin · 07/08/2025 16:41

I never planned to have my mum with me for any of my kids births. For my first and third child it was just me and my husband. For my middle child my mum was present as well as my husband but that was due to the quickness of the delivery and giving birth in a carpark.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 07/08/2025 16:41

I hadn't planned to but after a 3 day induction and long drawn out day attached to a drip, I could see that DH was seriously flagging so I rang Mum. She arrived, took him out for food and a drink and then stayed until baby was born about 4 hours later. But she did cause chaos telling me it was a boy and then the MW had to say no it's a girl. I was off my face on drugs and remember saying "what have I had" all confused.

AngryBird6122 · 07/08/2025 16:42

I had my dad there 🤣 plus dsis and dh of course - wasn’t planned but thats how it turned out

allthesmallthingsarehere · 07/08/2025 16:43

Quite genuinely I would rather have Boris Johnson present than my mother, she'd be a nightmare in every single way. But I do think there are lots of mother/daughter relationships where this would be more supportive... and then a load where perhaps they're a bit more enmeshed than adults should be. Makes much more sense to me if e.g. partner deployed, terrified of blood etc.

springtome · 07/08/2025 16:43

No I didn’t. She would have loved to and I think always assumed she would be there. She was with her sister for the birth of one of her children and I know this was special for her. However, my mum moved abroad when I was first married and this did affect the closeness of our relationship as well as her choosing an abusive husband over us kids when I was a teenager.

my own 16 year old daughter says she would want me with her if she ever gives birth but I fully expect her to change her mind (she is very private at the moment and won’t change or anhthing in front of me 🤣)

hoohaal · 07/08/2025 16:48

As nice as my Mum is, she is very high energy and makes jokes out of every single thing and would be there jumping around by my side etc whilst trying to get the baby out. Can’t think of anything worse!

W0tnow · 07/08/2025 16:48

Absolutely not! And we were close!

softlyfallsthesnow · 07/08/2025 16:52

My mum rang the delivery suite at 7pm just after DS was born - pre mobiles- because she was worried. I'd been induced by drip first thing and she obviously thought DS should have popped out by lunchtime! I was so embarrassed, not to mention exhausted. The midwife asked me if I wanted to speak to her and I said "No!" and I really didn't. DH delivered the news to her instead. Tbh I think I'd have got very emotional if I'd spoken just then and I definitely wouldn't have wanted her at the birth.

We had a very good relationship and she was the best DG but it was a special and private thing for DH and me (and the odd midwife, doctor etc lol).

Starlight7080 · 07/08/2025 16:52

My first went very wrong and my dh called my parents . My mum then stayed with me . She was my rock . My dh was far to distraught.
But I didnt plan for her to be in the room.

pinkgown · 07/08/2025 16:52

My daughter asked me to be there when her child was born as she thought her DH might pass out - and certainly wouldn't be supportive in a practical way as he is too squeamish. He wanted to be there but he knew he'd find it difficult.
She was right. He didn't pass out, but he sat a little way apart just making vague encouraging remarks.
(He retreated to the other end of the room when we asked the midwife if we could have a good look at the placenta and she held it up and explained how the amniotic sac is inside out when it is excreted. Poor bloke 😂)

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/08/2025 16:57

springtome · 07/08/2025 16:43

No I didn’t. She would have loved to and I think always assumed she would be there. She was with her sister for the birth of one of her children and I know this was special for her. However, my mum moved abroad when I was first married and this did affect the closeness of our relationship as well as her choosing an abusive husband over us kids when I was a teenager.

my own 16 year old daughter says she would want me with her if she ever gives birth but I fully expect her to change her mind (she is very private at the moment and won’t change or anhthing in front of me 🤣)

When my mother was with me and when I was with my daughter giving birth we weren't at the 'business' end so privacy/prudishness didn't come into it. The role was more of emotional support and handholding.

ThierryHwasthebest · 07/08/2025 16:57

Chris no, I can’t imagine anything worse than having my mum there. DH was there and felt right for us.

NeverCouldGetTheHangOfThursdays · 07/08/2025 17:00

Yes, my mum was with me. My partner of 2 years ran for the hills when I told him I was pregnant so I did it all on my own. My mum was a huge support and I'm glad she was there. She stayed at the "top" end, held my hand and held a bowl for me when the pethidine made me sick. After me she was the first to cuddle DD, her only grandchild. She had extra time with her too when I was taken to theatre for stitches (3rd degree tear, many stitches!)

DD is 30 now and she's already asked me to at least be at the hospital when she has her own baby (her and her partner are still at the "thinking about it" stage) and I'd be more than happy to give her that support, either alongside or instead of her partner, whatever she decides at the time. She has autism and depending on how she copes she may want one or both of us.

TimetoGetUpNow · 07/08/2025 17:00

No, wasn’t a question, the birth was for me and DH.

My mum was there for my sister giving birth shortly after me. She was great I think. Plus my sister had a shitty husband so needed the support. But just not what I wanted.

DC2, my mum was needed to babysit DC1.

RealEagle · 07/08/2025 17:01

No could think of nothing worse .I was at 3 out of 4 of my grandkids births,my daughters both asked me ,To be honest I didn’t really want to be,but I am laid back and do not interfere,